I really hate when someone tells me they want to help because they dont like seeing me “like this”. I would love help, trust me, but seeing me like this? What does that even mean? Everytime i hear it i stop and wonder if ive really changed that much over the passed year. Looking back to August i suppose i have. I guess my real question is is the change really that bad? I used to hate change, still do. Lately though, i feel like thats all my lifes about. My past has changed. My present is changing. And my future is based on change. The word alone makes me cringe. I dont know, im just thinking out loud here, guys. I do know that im scared, though. Im really really really scared and ive never had the guts to admit it to myself let alone a bunch of strangers over the internet. It feels good finally saying it. Im scared about the change to come. I made a mistake a few days ago and now im terrified to find out the consequence. I knew it was a bad decision while i was doing it, but i guess the urge to keep going came with the new me. Being scared is scary. I feel like at any moment, my world is going to crumble to pieces. I just have to decide when. Thats the worst part. Its like hearing from the doctor that you only have three weeks to live. Then youre screwed- youre dead. You suddenly start thinking about the past more and wondering if maybe if you did this one thing differently, you wouldnt be hearing these certain words now. So heres my question: what one thing would you have done differently?
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hi almostgone… In my experience, when someone uses words similar to “like this,” they’re talking about demeanor, motivation, verbal comments (negativity, etc.), and maybe appearance (tired eyes, etc.). Others often might not know how to help, but they know a change in personality and behavior when they see it. I really don’t know you so I can’t comment about the change… Some can hide their feelings well… Others slowly but surely have a change… and others freefall into a personality change because the stress simply overwhelms them.
About that mistake you made… I’m not sure what it was but I can’t count how many mistakes I’ve made in life. They have to be in the hundreds. Some were minor… Some were pretty major… with consequences. Regardless, life happens and we learn from them… and then we move forward.
To answer your question… What one thing would I have done differently? I would have kept the friends that I had close… instead of pushing everyone away. At the time, I needed to catch my breath… and I didn’t know who I could trust. In hindsight, experiencing a series of personal issues is hard enough… Donig it alone for a very long period of time is even tougher… perhaps devastating.
As odd as it may seem I would not really change anything major there are always the things I grill my self over in conversational mistakes but as far as big things I don’t think I could have done anything differently and had better results. What do you feel that you could have altered that would have changed your outcome to this point?
*Donig=Doing
Distant.road: This mistake is pretty hard to move on and learn from. Its got consequences to last a life time. I dont know if its at the point where i have to face it, or if i can just forget about it. All i can do is wait to find out and the wait is whats killing me. I feel like once i know, ill be able to handle it, but as for now, im a sitting duck. As for the thing you wouldve done differently, i believe thats a very good thing to change. No matter how strong we believe we are, no one can go through life alone. You obviously made it though, considering youre still here, and for that, i salute you.
Jarble: I wouldve changed the way things happened this year. I wouldnt exactly change the events, just how they happened and my reactions. Because of the way i acted, i let myself sink into an even bigger hole and now im left to dig myself out. I suppose i can blame myself for all of this, but that would mean i would be “the bigger person” and im not so sure im fit for that role.