So, my mother keeps a bottle of her Ambien hidden in her dresser, and I’m usually home alone for about 4-5 hours on weekdays, 10 hours on Friday nights. I keep planning, saying my goodbyes over and over again, but every time it comes to that time, I freeze up. Not because of myself, but because I’m afraid how it will effect the people I care about. It’s a hard thing to think about, balancing a pill between your lips and debating what impact you’ve made on the people around you, no matter how small. Then of course, there’s the fear I’ll find myself  awake, and my most painless option gone.
I’ve been reduced to flipping a coin. This is about the fourth time I’ve waited, and each time my coin lands on heads. The irony just keeps growing every time too. This morning my Mom talked about the importance of doing the thing that makes the most sense in your head, even if it seems hard, while the first message that popped up when I looked at my computer was “5 reasons today won’t suck”
I never feel sad while I’m holding the pills, just thoughtful. It isn’t until I think about setting them down for another day that I start feeling my chest hurt. I’m so tired…..
2 comments
Please keep hesitating… and please put the pills down and that coin away. Your life deserves much more than to rely on an element of chance. Bad things have happened… No doubt. Giving up isn’t the answer. Take a moment to catch your breath… and think about the things in your life. What are the successes? What are the problems? What problems are really weighing you down? Then think about the solutions… There are many things we experience in life that we can’t explain. Stuff happens… and it often hurts. Your life is the sum of everything… not just the pain… but the successes.
This may not be as supportive as the above comment, because I genuinely want death too. But I’m pretty sure the ambien alone has very little chance of killing you. I was thinking about taking some of my folks’ ambien and taping a bag over my head but I still just have a feeling it won’t really work. And then shit will hit the fan cuz their ambien will be gone. And I’ve never been hospitalized and I don’t want to be.