I had a really lovely dream. I dont really remember it, but it was with my ex and we were on holiday or something. And I woke up really happy and I rolled over to his side of the bed to look at his handsome face and I realised he´s not there. And I actually had to think for a minute: why is he not there, I just saw him didn´t I? So I looked at my phone and I see a textmessage of my ex. I read it and it said he had always loved me unconditionally (which is not true) and that it hurt him that I thought he cheated on me. And then I realised he hasn´t been sleeping here for months. Oh yeah, he dumped me because I´m insane.
How is it even possible I forgot? How come it took me about 10 minutes to realize he is never gonna sleep next to me ever again?
And why the fuck is he still lying to me? I saw all the textmessages from all the different girls and I saw everything he said to them online and on that fucking facebook. He always lied to me, he would say he was with his friends in Belgium and I would find out they were in Poland. (there was something in Poland, idk, he went there a lot) He would stay away for nights without calling or texting me. And still, even now he wants to pretend like it´s all in my head. I didnt even text him, he just texted me out of nowhere.
I dont understand why even now, months later, he still wants to make me think I am crazy and made everything up. I know I am crazy though, but I did not make this up goddammit.
39 comments
Hate waking from a great dream…only to realize it was just that…
Insane? Why do you say you’re insane, from the conversations and posts I’ve read, I have not seen insanity…
Not sure why he is still lying to you…maybe he still wants to be in control of you? Or he was drunk…doing who knows what in Poland. I don’t know how your relationship went, but if the guy is lying where he goes constantly, flirting/cheating with other girls, flat out lying, and blaming YOU for it all – well that just doesn’t seem right to me.
:/ Well I don’t think you’re crazy.
it’s more like its all in his head. He’s the crazy one for thinking he can be shady and get away with it. Besides it doesn’t seem like he’s the kind of person you wanna be with considering he goes off and disappears and doesn’t keep in contact. I don’t think you should be so hard on yourself. Maybe change your number you don’t need him still trying to talk to you and make things more confusing. I hope things work out the way they are meant to and i hope that you feel better about things as well.
^this.
@Will, I think youve been reading the wrong posts and conversations haha. Usually when I´m in a “conversation” on here I´m in a reasonable mood so I guess I dont come off as insane. but thanks.
@alina well what I did not say is that when he first dumped me (months ago) I was the one who was constantly texting him. Because well, I did not get it. And I stll dont actually. It´s not like he is constantly herassing me or something, just today this random text.
The thing is. I do understand why he was with other girls. I actually gave him a free pass once. Saying if he wanted to fuck someone else I would not mind. Because I was so obsessed with the idea he would actually fuck someone, I thought well at least that way I would know. He said he didnt though. I dont know. I know it is my fault he went to other girls though. And that hurts a lot actually. Knowing that you could have changed everything if you just were a better person.
He explained to me once why he was looking for other girls on dating sites and what not: because he was looking for someone to talk to about my insanity. He could not take the stress I was putting on him because well, Im just crazy.
Later he kinda changed his explanation and I never got a clear answer.
well if he was talking about your insanity he wouldn’t of gone to a dating site, personally i think that blocking him on your phone or whatever he’s contacting you with would be the best thing to do. because if he is deliberately trying to make your life terrible then he doesn’t deserve to be in it.
While I agree that’s highly possible because I’m crazy myself, I don’t think so in this case lol. Hm, well how can we keep you in those reasonable moods eh?
Even if you gave him “permission” I would hope he still didn’t – there is no justifiable reason… It isn’t your fault and you surely are a good person. Seriously, sounds like alina is truly right – he’s the crazy one.
yes. thats what I said too. And I know that. But its just. I dont know. He did really love me and I know that. And it really is my fault he dumped me and did everything he did, because he couldnt handle my anger and mood swings,and he wanted to leave for over a year but I always manipulated him so he would stay with me. I just wanted to make him happy.
the only thing that I can think of to keep myself in a reasonable mood is smoke weed. I cant right now unfortunately caus I have to go to the gym in 10 minutes. Why are you crazy?
@christina–: its not that i’m saying hes harassing you but the fact that he can still get in contact with you. I know it doesn’t seem like it but when you cut off all connection with someone it makes it easier to move on. I used to be that way with my ex always txting and calling him trying to understand and make things right but thats not who i am anymore. I get what you mean about the whole thinking he’d sleep around. We all make mistakes and say things we don’t mean, but if he honestly truly cared for you he wouldn’t have been looking for anyone else regardless. He is a jerk for trying to put you down and using this made up reality of you being insane to justify his poor actions. He is completely and totally wrong you don’t need someone making your life any harder than it already is. If someone cares about you then they will be willing to help you get better not the other way around. I was cheated on as well to the extent i don’t know but i found out thanks to the power of technology. I never got an explanation from him he jus tried to blame me for it all. I didn’t get a clear answer nor do i want one i just want to move on. I look back and i ask myself if i really want to be with someone who would lie to me and put me down, and honestly i dont neither should you. You deserve better then that.
@Alina, I know I should agree with you. But I cant. I know its my fault. The only thing I cant stand is the fact that he is still lying about it.
:/ I don’t think it’s your fault – but I mean sometimes things just don’t work out – sadly enough… In the end you just wanted to make him happy, and I don’t think there’s something wrong with that. But maybe sometimes they just can’t end that way? Why am I talking about relationships…?
While that is a fix…sort of temporary fix. There must be some other way…
Uh…’cause I am. Have you not seen what I say? I’m as batshit crazy as they get, duh.
Also, thinkin’ alina and hated have points…
@christina–: I believe that at some point you will be to see things in a better light. At one point i was similar to you believe it or not. I was always moody and my ex blamed me for things he did saying it was because of how i was. And for a very very long time i blamed myself. Looking back now i realized how hard i was on myself and how much more i hurt myself. I would always think if only i wouldnt have been that way then things would have worked out and we’d still be together. But im glad cuz i found out what kind of person he really is and if he treats me like that at my worst then he sure as hell doesn’t deserve me at my best. i get it i was angry too at first about him lying to me even after i confronted him with the truth. But it passes and you get to a point when it doesn’t matter that he’s lying because you decided you won’t put up with it. I guess you sort of have to go through the different emotional stages and it sucks so bad im still going through them.
I lost someone who meant a lot to me about a week ago. Every night I have dreams that everything is okay and I have to relive the pain over and over. There is a reason I’m awake at 4 am. :/
@Will youre talking bout relationships caus you were trying to help? haha. well I guess you must be crazy if you think I am not 😉 But you are certainly not more crazy than I am. I win. (at least I win at something)
@Alina its not that I was always moody. But for example if something did not go the way I planned I would be very irritated. Mostly, because I just cant stand it if my plans dont go the way I planned them. I need certainty I guess. Thats something that bothered him too. But yeah, sometimes I feel like I´m okay and he´s just a big dickhead for treating me that way since I always tried my best. But then I start to think again well, if my best was better he would have been happy with me. I do still think I was a better person when I was with him. I need to stop rambling.
@emptiness that sucks. maybe you should take something that helps you sleep?
doing better wouldn’t of helped if he was constantly lying to you. all you need to focus on is moving on and finding someone new. he’s probably trying to make you sound crazy because that is the way he sees himself and he wants to push that on to someone different.
Yeah but if I was better he wouldnt have to lie. I try to move on though, I dont want him in my life anymore per se, mostly because I dont want to hurt him anymore. A sane person doesnt tell her boyfriend (who lost his best friend to suicide years ago) that apparantly he makes people want to kill theirselves. I literally am the worst person in the world.
And I would never want a new relationship. I could not bare to destroy another humans life. again.
but you’re destroying your own life right now, i don’t want to seem insensative in saying this but even with his bestfriend dying years ago from suicide that’s not an excuse for him making you feel this way. telling him that you’re suicidal will at least put light on it. if he’s a decent person then he will at least leave you alone
and stop trying to make you feel guilty
I dont like it when people make him sound like a dick. He really always was really sweet to me.
Didn’t you say he cheated on you…lied about where he went…wants to make YOU seem like the crazy one…etc etc. ? Just saying that isn’t helping his case…
Also I meant why was I talking about relationships, ’cause what do I know? But still I think I semi-stand by my point?
But I do mostly agree with hated.
People want the best for you, christina… and they don’t want others to hurt you. Maybe he comes out sounding like a whatever, but I think people want you to feel good… and not be hurt by others. I wish nothing bad for him… but I do wish that he’d let you move forward and not hurt you.
Yes he did. But, I did was in fact the crazy one, so I just cant blame him for what he did. And he did stay home with me when I did not feel like going out, and he held me for hours when I was crying like a baby again. And he used to make everything oke.
Well…then I’d say refer to distant’s post…
I know. Im not stoned yet, Im always sad when I wake up so, I miss him.
I must be crazy caus right now I want to text him and tell him Im sorry for everything I did wrong.
and I have to say I would get back with him anytime if he would want me. (which is not the case). No matter how badly he treated me at times. At least I did not feel so lonely and lost all the time.
I know how it feels to be lonely and lost…I don’t know how it feels to have lost someone like that and be lonely because of it… But I don’t think it’s a crazy thing, I mean who wants to feel lonely?? I think there comes a point when you have to try to push on forward – that you will feel crazy and lonely and lost, but you’ll find your way to something and somebody…
Well it feels the same I guess. You just also miss someone.
Nooo, I can never be in a relationship again. Ive been in one. screwed this guy up like a ************. I cannot destroy another humans life.
So why have you never been in a relationship?
🙁 Well missing someone I get. Bah such is life…
You feel as though you screwed him up…? Well I think everyone gets screwed up after a relationship ends… Don’t beat yourself up about that. Really. You sure as hell wouldn’t be destroying a human life…
Mmm, never in person – as much as I’d wish. Hence miss part.
‘Cause I’m the destroyer of people – so you can’t have that title 😛
I know I screwed him up. He used to have a drinking problem and because of me he started drinking again, and because he got so caught up in my bullshit he got fired. So I made him a jobless alcoholic. Would call that screwing someones life up.
never in person as in an online relatonship or something? I dont believe in things like that.
no. that title has been mine far more longer!
I think the saying: “Shit happens” – applies… You didn’t put the drink in his hands…you didn’t make him do something to get him fired. It’s how he dealt with it. I know it seems like it may be your fault, but don’t beat yourself up about it…
Meh… Don’t need to spill my problems and such here, anywho.
Wha? Hmmm…we shall see about that.
When I felt guilty I did buy him beers or whiskey so yes I did put it in his hands. What is one of the main reasons he got fired is because 1. when he had one really big presentation in the morning I had some kind of episode and we had a huge fight and after that he stayed with me and didnt go to work because he was afraid to leave me alone. 2. when he had to do the presentation again we had a gigantic fiight in the night before and I left the house and he was worried and looking for me and because he hardly got any sleep he overslept in the morning and missed it again. so yes. It was my fault.
that makes you wiser than I am I guess, since I just spill and spill..
and the more I spill the more I realize i should really kill myself.
Well did you shove it down his throat too? He had to know…”hmm I used to be an alcoholic…if I drink…it could happen again”. I don’t want to seem like some complete dick either, but I mean he’s his own person and made his choices. That ONE presentation got him fired…? I find that hard to believe… but even so, look he cared about you to stay. I don’t think you should blame yourself for this, look you probably do the same if he was in your situation… We make decisions because we care, and sometimes bad shit happens…but it was our choice, we cared. You can’t control everything. You didn’t WANT or wish for it… I really don’t think you’re to blame for all these things – you’re taking responsibility for EVERYTHING.
I don’t want to bore you with my silly and annoying problems is all. I want to help you right now anyhow 🙂
Nonono, that isn’t the way to go about it… Gah, where is distant – cause I’m just being idiotic apparently.
I should have known better than to feed an alcoholic alcohol. no not just that one presentation. He messed a lot of things up trying to take care of me and my shit.
yes i am taking responsibility for everyting because everything bad that has happened was my fault.
haha well thanks though but you cant really help me. Id rather be distracted so tell me your silly problems.
and youre not being an idiot, youre being nice trying to help. I just wont let you haha.
I scared distant away telling him I didnt want uplifting chatter.
DISTANT READ THIS POST AGAIN(Put here so you can see in recent posts lul)
Meh, nonetheless his choice I say. Nobody is perfect either…we all make our mistakes – heyo humannnn. All the things he did wrong at work were because of you? Again, hard to believe this… Look I know it sounds stupid to say – but I mean he knew what he was doing, and he knew he’d rather care for you and take the consequences. But look, that’s how most relationships go…we do things for the other. I don’t think any of them can take a lasting responsibility for all that went wrong. Did he ever start the fight? Did he ever do something wrong? I can’t believe he is some perfect person either. Again, we have our mistakes and sometimes bad shit happen because of it. I don’t think that’s reason to throw in the towel, I just think it’s something to think about a bit( NOT obsess over… ). Everything could NOT have been ALL your fault, you’re putting the weight of the world upon your shoulders. Need to learn to forgive yourself…
God I’m not helping…ayeyeye. Someone needs to tell me to shut up( feel free ).
I know what you mean about the reluctance to have help & cheerful comments( considering you commented on that post of mine… ). And, kinda would have to email you if you REALLY wanted to listen to me whine lul.
Bah, well I do say: let me help :). Well how about trying to help, in an idiotic manner – that better?
What? DISTANT, christina didn’t listen to my rule of no cheerful material in my post, so don’t let her tell you what to do 😛
aahh noo dont herras the man! he should be trying to help people who want to be helped. not wasting his time on me 😉
well yeah of course he did stuff wrong (for example fucking other girls, lying to me blabla) but I do have to say he never started a fight with me. I just know if we wouldnt have been together his life would be a lot better. I would still be the same fucked person. My life would have been more fucked if I hadnt met him I think. I dont think I ever went back to college if he didnt push me.
haha well I think your words are quite helpfull, for someone who would want to get helped haha. Like I said I dont care for things like that. But i think its sweet your taking your time to try to help!
Hmm I did comment on that post but I didnt really ignore your wish of no cheerfull material did I?
Well if you would want to email me you can, I would never mind!
that is better yes, 🙂
hmm, distant is always trying to help even when I told him very very often I dont want help. I guess there are some good people in this sick world after all 😉
Me? Harass? I would never. Bah, it isn’t “wasting” though…
Exactly…Therefore you must at least agree with me he has done SOMETHING wrong – things that caused BAD things to happen to HIM too. Well hey, that’s relationships – good times and bad times. It seemed like you both had good times too… I don’t think you’d the same, nor a “fucked” up person( though you’re not now… ). I think your relationship had good times, but it just wasn’t going to work out – and that’s nothing to blame yourself about, at least NOT SOLELY your fault.
Well you’re going to hear cheerful and helpful things whether you like it or not :P. But really, I want you to WANT to want help ( mind fuck again, mwaha ).
You said I was a nice person – therefore saying cheerful things. I made sure to remember that to bring that up again in case you did the same :). Kinda need your email 😛 or well tickin(Dot)will(at)gmail(dot)com – if you don’t want to post yours. (come at me spam bots and random people).
Indeed, and therefore he needs to apply his wisdom here. lol.