I love her with all my heart. But I hate her for doing this to me. I love her for being honest about her feelings. But I hate her for not having those feelings. I hate myself for hating her. I hate myself for loving her.
Sometimes I think I’d be better off if I’d never looked at her a second time. It’s funny how that single act of going up to her and starting a conversation, has led me to where I am now. Sometimes I think I’d be better off if we’d never met, but then I wouldn’t have enjoyed the WONDERFUL time we spent together.
I deleted her number from my phone today. That was difficult, but it’ll stop me sending any drunk texts. And drunk is what I always seem to be lately (ironically I’m completely sober as I’m writing this). The amount of whiskey I’ve been drinking is inhuman, it’s a wonder I haven’t got alcohol poisoning. It’s not even the feeling of being drunk that I like, sometimes the first sip is the sweetest… you’re not drunk, but you can feel that first bit of alcohol entering your system, and it makes everything seem easier…
That can’t be good. It feels good.
I miss her so much. I was counting on the fact that by now, she’d have realised that she was better off with me, that I love her with all my heart and don’t want to be anything but good to her.
I genuinely thought we would get married. I haven’t just lost a girlfriend – I’ve lost my BEST friend. That’s what hurts. I can live without the sex and all that rubbish, that’s not what I miss (although I DO miss that!). It’s the companionship, the feeling that there was someone else in the world who would help you carry your burden, and you’d help them. Somebody who you didn’t have to put on a show for. Natural, you know?
I miss her so much.
2 comments
Hi LiamS…. I’ve been in a similar situation… with some differences, of course. While I was the one to break the engagement (she cheated… friends saw… I got a call…), the pain still hurt quite a bit. Reading your posts, it looks like your breakup happened a couple of months ago. From my own experience, I can suggest to you that each day you don’t pick up the pieces and move forward, the harder it becomes. For the first few weeks, I wanted to do nothing… Absolutely nothing. Things were at a standstill and I probably had similar feelings as you do. At a certain point, I was dragged out… and jump-started. Slowly, things began to move forward… and I met new people. If you don’t allow yourself to move forward, you’ll stay stuck… and it will get harder. You spent a few months mourning and reflecting… It might help to start taking steps forward… for your own self-worth and value… which are important.
Betrayed trust never feels good – it makes us feel like chumps. That said, anytime a person who abuses our trust exposes themselves BEFORE we’ve actually made a legally binding commitment is one HELLuVA lucky break for us … does it hurt? yup … do we feel like total crap/ yup … but ask yourself how completely and totally screwed you’d be if you were already married.
We live, we learn … our mistake hurt … but the lessons are more valuable than gold or diamonds … find them, and learn from them and take them with you to the REAL person who is meant to be with you
all the best
x’ed dawg