I’m 28 years old.  I’ve been what I’d call a depressive since I was probably 14.  I tried to kill myself when I was 16 by overdosing on my anti-depressants.  I haven’t tried since, mainly because I saw what the first attempt did to my parents.  I was very fortunate in my parents; they’re loving and supportive, and I probably wouldn’t be writing this if it wasn’t for them.  I swore on my Grandmother’s grave that I would never try again.  That vow has also helped stopped me.  But it’s losing its effectiveness.  I don’t see the point anymore.  Why should I go through life in misery just so I don’t hurt them?  I know it sound selfish, but there are times I resent them for it.  There are many times I wish I would get a terminal disease or get hit by a bus so I could die  guilt-free.  There are only two times since becoming a teenager that I was actually “happy.”  Both were when I was seeing two – not simultaneously –  of my ex-girlfriends.  (I’ve only had four, all of them dumped me).  None of them lasted longer than two months.  They both ended it because of me.  I’m afraid I’ll never have a lasting, loving relationship.  That it will always turn to crap.  Worse, I work with one of those two exes, and a lot of the time just being around her is painful.  It’s becoming so depressing that I’m thinking of quitting because of it.  I know people say “it gets better,” and for some people that may be true.  But it’s mostly just an empty platitude.  How long do I have to wait? till I’m 40? 60?  I’ve been happy in my adult life a sum total of about 4 months.  I think about killing myself often.  usually with an overdose of sleeping pills.  If I killed myself, would some people be sad? sure.  But they’d get over it.  Like they get over someone close who died due to an accident or illness.  Sometimes I wish I could fake my own death and find out who actually cared, and who just pretended to.
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Have you tried going to therapy? I know it is cliche but it can help sometimes. I don’t know ..i guess I shouldn’t bother commenting bc I am the worst person to be giving any advice…bc I have similar feelings towards my own life. Try everything before you decide to permanently take your life!
ugh,i’m sorry about the ex situation,totally been there.:( theres this one guy i was in love with and we were friends or together off and on for 4 and a half years. i saw him a few months ago at the grocery store in my hometown and almost died right there on the spot because i left him,and I know i didn’t treat him right,and it’s haunted me ever since. i doubt i’ll ever meet anyone like him and of course,i screwed it up.i guess i should be grateful because i do love him and wish him the best and right now that’s just not me.but he was with his new girlfriend, and i want so much for him to be happy,it’s just,i wish he could be happy somewhere away from me so it doesn’t feel like theres a dagger twisting in my intestines. 🙁 i know that’s dramatic,but it was horrible seeing him.:( hang in there okay? a lot of times exes end up being great friends after the initial pain goes away,i hope it works out for you that way. but even if it doesn’t,you’ll find someone someday. you sound like a really nice guy. i know it’s hard waiting.:( but we’re all here for you too to help you get through it.
my mom died when i was a little girl and i sometimes think it’s so ironic in such a sick way that she wanted so desperately to live,and died,and sometimes i pray that i could die because i get so tired,but i still live. seriously-i survive through everything.if it wasn’t so sad and tragic it would funny. i’m 19 and have already survived cancer and an eating disorder and various horrible home life situations. but that just goes to show-theres a reason for us to be here. your not alone okay? your family is waiting for you,just like mine is for me,but they want us to live-you never know whats around the corner,and if we give up,we’ll never find out.
Same with me..never had a relationship for more than 2 months until my recent ex(just broke up a month ago) we dated for a year and 2 months…I wonder if i’ll ever have another relationship like that again..the breakup was so bad that i feel like no one is able to love me..Please..keep your head up..for me. I need to know that someone else can do this, that someone else can stick it out and that standing with this much weight on your shoulders can be done.
“There are many times I wish I would get a terminal disease or get hit by a bus so I could die guilt-free.”
“Sometimes I wish I could fake my own death and find out who actually cared, and who just pretended to.”
We’re sick people, my friend. I have these thoughts almost every time I’m on the road, in a hospital setting, etc etc. It’s really not okay to think like this, which you know. So what do we do? Who the hell knows. I’ve been going to therapy once a week for the past year and three months, and I feel like all I’ve learned is how to isolate myself. Which I’m not sure if it’s any better.
On the other side of things…you can’t be selfish. The thing is, if you wanted to be selfish, you would have already ended things. 14 years is a long time to deal with suicidal thoughts and depression, and it gives me a lot of hope that you’re still fighting. So think of it this way: yes, it would be selfish. But you’re letting down a lot of people. You’d be hurting you family, but you’d also be giving in to your illness. You can’t let it win. I’m 20, and have been dealing with this since I was 13…got really bad when I was 15 and onwards. To even see your post here makes me feel a little bit better that I might make it to 28, since somebody else did. So don’t be selfish. Do it for your family, do it for the rest of on here, and do it for yourself.
Yeah, seeing her at work is pretty crappy. We were friends after the break-up. I don’t know if we can be now. I found out she lied to me about why we broke up with me. She had originally told me it was because she wasn’t ready for a relationship. I was dumb enough to believe her. Then I saw her at work with her new boyfriend. This was after some time had passed mind you, at least a month. I had had suspicions before, but didn’t say anything till they were confirmed. I was pissed. It was me after all. I got upset with her and started saying things. asking her if she ever loved me. She didn’t exactly deny it. I think word she used was “confused.” It got bad. I don’t know if she ever wants to be friends again or if I want to. Maybe she will. She’s still friends with a guy who dumped her SEVEN times and I had a right to be pissed at her in the first place.
You’ve had a hard life, and I envy your strength. But how long do I have to wait to turn the corner? I’ve heard it for so long it just sounds hollow. I mean, if I’m 50, if I make it to 50, and someone tells me that, I’m going to want to punch them.
It would be selfish to take my life silentxshout. But living your life merely to spare others pain is ridiculous. My life is my own, not others.
@ Dr Shazbot
But by allowing others to have made a contribution to your state of being, whether or not you have done so involuntarily. Can it not be argued that you have assigned them an equitable interest or in the case of parents if you are under the age of maturity, a fiduciary role.
maybe some space would be good then. it might be good for you to work somewhere else,but i want to tell you to be careful. work is so hard to find right now,if you have a good job i wouldn’t give it up,you know? unless you can find another before you quit. but(i know,i’m terrible for trying to see things from her perspective,but just here me out.:PI’m still on your side.:) you said she told you she wasn’t ready for a relationship. it sounds to me like she cared about you and didn’t want to hurt your feelings. i dated one of my good friends for four months and i love him dearly,but i wasn’t in love with him,you know? i went into it thinking he was perfect for me-because he is a wonderful person,handsome,and still to this day,has the most beautiful eyes i’ve ever seen. but when i kissed him,i didn’t get those tingles,you know? i didn’t expect it to work out that way,but there was just nothing.and i realized we didn’t have that “spark” together.it had nothing to do with who he was because he is amazing.it’s just,we’re better as friends.and it wasn’t right for me to stay with him,because he deserved someone who did love him completely and in a romantic way,and i just never felt that way about him,no matter what i did. theres nothing wrong with you,k? before you think that(because i think everybody does after a breakup) i want you to consider that maybe it just wasn’t right with that girl.the guy i broke up with is with an amazing girl now,and if he would have stayed with me,he wouldn’t have met her. it took some time for him to find her,but she can give him love that i couldn’t. theres nothing wrong with that,it just can’t be forced,you know? you’ll find the right girl. just don’t give up,please? keep talking to us,we’ll help you get through it. and you can help us too. 🙂 relationships are hard,i need someone to rant to. lol.:)hang in there,don’t give up.
lol. i say you know way to much. hehe.:)
I know she didn’t want to hurt me, but she does. she can be rather thoughtless. I shouldn’t of had to find out on my own that she started seeing someone else. She doesn’t think ahead. It was inevitable that I’d find out she lied to me and that I’d feel like a chump and a loser. Jesus the whole fight I recently had with her could have been avoided if she’d been honest with me. And it’s not that I want her back or anything. I don’t. Not even if she threw herself at me shamelessly. But the feelings are still there and they are strong. And I don’t think attraction was the issue. After the breakup she still wanted to sleep with me.
may be god wants us to meet some bad people b4 meeting the right one,
so that when we finally meet the right person,
we will know how to be grate ful,
so chill dear friend, nd live u r life happily ………………
have to go through the dark before you find the light. I’ll be finding the light in 5 hours. good luck
“may be god wants us to meet some bad people b4 meeting the right one,”
I think this applies to situations, too… If we experienced only good people and situations in life, we might take everything for granted. The difficulties in life might help us appreciate the finer moments. Perhaps the longer the wait, the more the appreciation.
I’ve been waiting quite a while… I hope my turn is coming. Knock on wood.
do you think maybe she just isn’t ready for a serious relationship? she could be playing the field and just want sex and companionship but nothing serious. also,some people have commitment issues. i know I’ve dealt with that in myself,if someone gets too close I have to try really hard to be open and not run the other way or push them away,it’s usually only the people who really stick it out and stay with me for awhile that i begin to trust enough to really open up to. does that make sense? there could be a lot of reasons why she did what she did. i’m sorry it’s so painful.:( but i guess the best advice i could give you(and i’m young,what do i know?) but i would just to hang in there,and try to feel fulfilled in your life by yourself.get a hobby,find something that makes you happy,and be complete without someone else. i think when both people are healthy and complete on their own,that’s when a relationship works the best and is healthy. you have to be your own person. a lot of people put so much pressure on the other person because they expect them to make them suddenly whole,but you can’t expect someone else to complete you,you have to be okay on your own. then if your both complete you can both give.i would just give it some time(i know that’s terrible,but it really is the only cure) and trust that you’ll get through this and find someone else. your only 28. lol,you sound like you feel old,but really,you have your whole life ahead of you,and theres a lot more people out there.your going to be okay. i’m so sorry it’s so painful,heart break really is one of the worst things. but your not alone,we’ve all been through it,and we’re here to help you get through it too. (and you know,knowing some people,,,once you find someone else-she’ll probably want you back.)people just suck sometimes.:(
Thanks for the support. Especially you EllaChristina. I’m still miserable. I’ll be going into cognitive behavioral therapy soon. Hopefully I’ll finally be able to “fix” myself. Things with the ex were looking better. But I don’t know. She was really nice to me monday at work; she was complimenting me, being really friendly, even offering to pick up some really good weed for me. It was nice and it put me in a great mood. later after I got off work I texted her that it was nice seeing her. Her reply was “please no texting.” It put me in such a bad mood I had to force myself to eat, and I was stoned!
It made me feel like shit. I dunno what’s going on. I can’t take this emotional fucking whiplash. does anyone have any insight? Is she putting on a show for other people at work? Is she conflicted? What? Jesus. When we were together she told me once that she didn’t like the games and bullshit that some women get on with. it feels like that this is what she’s doing. If this continues, I’m quitting my job. I can get another job without too much of a problem. But I can’t take this anymore. I’m a fucking wreck. I wish she knew, she understood how much I care. I’m so
depressed, I’m actually having chest pain. Thanks for listening
your so welcome.:) i’m glad i helped.I’m glad things are looking better too.It’s hard to know for sure what to tell you because i don’t know the girl personally,but if i was in your shoes i would just tread lightly and be apprehensive. i guess,what i mean is,i wouldn’t be completely trusting right off the bat because her motives are super hard to understand. she might going through something in her life right now. or idk,the worst case scenerio is probably this:sometimes people string other people along…if she feels like your losing interest she might try and be warmer towards you to get back in your good graces. but like i said,i don’t know for sure,i hope that’s not the case,so don’t assume the worst,just be aware. she could just be really confused or having a tough time with something. it is odd she would tell you not to text,maybe ask her why? on the other hand,maybe she is trying to be friends and make things right,but she might not want to get back together.(maybe that’s why she’s being friendly,but drawing the line at texting and things so you don’t get the wrong impression?) i’m sorry this is so confusing. i’m confused,so if this doesn’t make any sense that’s probably why. just be cautious for a bit and feel out the situation. and about quitting your job,lol,i sound like a mom with all the lecturing..:P just make sure you have another one lined up,k? idk..maybe the best thing to do would be to ask her how she feels about you so you have a straight answer. cause if she does want to get back together,and you assume she’s playing the field,she’s gonna miss out and that would suck. good luck k? and just breathe,i know it hurts.but you’ll get through this.*hug*
I need some more insight. A couple of days later she told me that almost invited me over to smoke a bowl with her, but that she didn’t because she thought I might try to bring up bad blood or want to get back together. I told her that I didn’t want to get back together with her. In fact, I told her that I had thought about breaking up with her towards the end and that my friend, uh, Jane (changing her name), had advised me I should tell her that things had to change or I would break up with her. On friday I texted her asking if she wanted to get baked. She replied tonight. she seemed upset, though she said she doesn’t “care enough.” she rebuffed me. she said I had a friend, Jane, and said she thought I was lying about what I said earlier, and that what I had said was merely my way of pretending that I didn’t care that she dumped me. I replied that I had only meant to address her concerns that I wanted to get back together. Her tone was really mean. I told her that while her breaking up with me hurt, it was the right choice and that I don’t blame her, and then I said that if I had known this would be her reaction I wouldn’t have said. she replied with “meh” and said she was going to bed and “night.” I said I was sorry I hurt her and goodnight.”
Can someone please fill me in? I feel like I can’t win. I told her the truth to try and ease her concerns. Maybe I overdid it. But Jesus, why is she so upset about it? I obviously stir up strong feelings in her.