Him and her…and me

I am extremely tired. Happiness keeps teasin me. Everytime it feels like its finally in grasp and my lifes going to be ok, it slips right out of my hands. Somebody I thought was my friend screwed up my relationship a while back. We never got over each other. I still like him alot. My boyfriend now, doesnt make me alot happier. We only see each other literally maybe three times a year so we just text. In the middle of the convErsation he’ll leave without explanation…yay. Then he acts like it never happened. I flirted with my ex and sccidently went a little too far. He forgot i had a bf and when i mentioned it, it broke his heart. I felt awful. I was a cold hearted *****. I was on a trip with my friend since the third grade. She has a bf too but she was flirting with my ex the same why I did. I asked him about later. He said they liked each other since the beginming of the year and were too afraid that i’d get hurt to tell me. So they waited. And because they waitedshe has a bf and i would imagine he would feel really bad. But what happens when i tell him she does? He says:”I know…” Is he kidding me?! He feels bad for ger alot bcuz shes suicidal but so am I. So I get all the penalty? I feel like I deserve to die while with her he just lets it slide? She’s always gone after the guys I’ve been interested in. I’d be a little hurt by that but why would I be mad at them? Well I am now. They are both avoiding me. I feel like this big ugly unattractive, fat, stupid, useless, worthless thing taking up space.