I was diagnosed with bipolar depression my sophomore year of high school but I’ve been depressed since elementary school. I hid it well for years before anyone knew.The first time I cut was in fifth grade. I did it once until middle school, that’s when it started becoming more common. It was my little secret. Eventually my parents found out, I was hospitalized and that’s when the cycle continued. I was an inpatient twice and I was an outpatient once. I have moods so at times I seem perfectly fine and then something triggers it and it all comes back to me. Everything that seemed to be going right started going wrong. If you knew me you wouldn’t think I was depressed either, I’ve always been social, and I have a few good friends, my parents are still married and in love and I have a boyfriend but it doesn’t seem to make it go away. I’ve always sucked at school, from elementary to high school. I barely graduated high school, I should be ending my sophomore year in college but I haven’t got around to enrolling. I don’t know what’s really stopping me because I know it’s what I’m supposed to be doing. I’ve had a couple of jobs but they all failed because I got depressed and stopped showing up so I lost them. I don’t know what to do with myself. I want to move on especially with my boyfriend. I want to be with him and I want to be happy but I feel like I’m preventing it because of this whole depression. How can I really be with him and love him when I can’t even love myself. The worse part is I know what needs to change I just can’t do it. I change for a bit and then the real me comes back, and that’s the depressed version who could give two shits about everything. Funny thing is, I love helping people. I want to go to Africa some day and help out. I’ve wanted to join the Peace Corps since I was ten. That’s a fail, since I need a college degree. Can you tell I’m bipolar? It’s just that I’m not at war with the world, I’m at war with myself. It’s me that I don’t like. Ugh, I’m a mess and that’s the truth. I can’t hide it forever, it seems like I’ll always be depressed. I can’t escape. I’m stuck.
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2 comments
The thing is your brain chemistry is not your fault.
And you probably need professional help log term to change it.
Not saying you could not do it solo but it would be harder.
Do not hide it.
Let your passion for your future and for helping people give you the strength to keep trying different things and therapy until something works for you.
I’ve been thinking of going back to having a therapist. I loved having one, it’s just I get into these phases where I think I don’t need it anymore because i’m better and I stop or I feel like it’s not helping/nothing’s helping so I just stop making appointments. it seems to be a pattern, I start things but I can’t finish them or keep up with them which makes me sad alll over again. I wish I could just start over.