I’m a failure to myself, to my family and to nature…

I don’t know anymore what I want to do, what I want do be, how to be good. I’m 20, close to 21 and I am just so full of problems. Social inadept, habitual liar (to others and myself), a huge range of food allergies, a bad a student that failing all his classes, and top it all of a plain retarded asshat with problems with his sexuality. I really fucking hate myself these days, for one I’m failing all my classes and I can’t myself to anything about it, when I sit down to do the work my mind goes blank and I can’t do anything. I just feel such a fucking failure, like I have writer’s block or something yet I’m writing right now, and I’m fine. Errr….

I don’t feel college is right for me, yet everyone knows it’s mandatory these days, I want to learn but I don’t want to do the work and when I try to do the work, I just don’t know, I can’t do it. And I feel so ashamed, so damn ashamed of it that I can’t do anything. That sure it’s interesting to learn, but I have no motivation to do well in school even with the stick wavering over me, it doesn’t motivate me it just makes me more apathetic. And people keep saying I’m smart, that I’m bright, no no no, I’m just retarded asshat that just looks like he smarts saying all these things that may or may not be true.

Yeah the lying piece of the puzzle, that’s an interesting thing. My biggest shame is using forums as a place to lie about other problems or being another person, that is distinctly different than me to get pity and acceptance, as some sort of fight club esque support group. And then add to this that I lie to all my professors, I can’t do stuff yet I say I can. Ugh.. I just don’t know anymore, I don’t want to take anymore of this.

Funny thing is that I don’t have any fond memories of better days, I litterally don’t. It’s been hard, and rough road for a long long time now, and it’s not getting better it seems. I don’t want to die, but I’m not seeing any other way out at the moment. I’ve been too much of burden, too much of a hassle why can’t anyone see that? Why won’t anyone see that I am hurting, and I can’t be fixed, why can’t I commit suicide?

Why is it so hard, that I stay my hand when I reach for cleaning agents, or when I want to jump off a bridge, what stays my hand? When I go off my diet, what makes me from gouging and choking to death with my conscricted esophagus?

I’m just so tired, I want to sleep, or die, or go into a coma, I just want it to end. And I lie to myself that it’s the coward’s way out, I’ve been altruistic for all the time, I can’t be selfish. But what if I am being selfish by not killing myself, I should think of the expense that I have incurred on my family, and for what a miserable, failing student that can’t even do anything any more.

My biggest wish is to sleep for a very long time, socrates either said that death is a very silent sleep or just oblivion right? So why shouldn’t I go down the rabbit hole, why shouldn’t I drink rat poison? I don’t know.