Numb

I feel barely alive, like the world itself feels unreal. I just feel nothing anymore. Nothing comes through to my heart and it’s in so much pain. Not my parent’s love, nothing does.

I’m so alone, my whole life I have been. I’ve been informally diagnosed a schizoid/avoidant by a psychologist. The only girl I’ve felt much of anything for I met years ago in sunday school but after so many tries I don’t seem to be able to get through to her. I could live if my life was being together with her, but that’s not possible it seems. She has someone in her life, she says. Although she may only be saying that to protect my feelings by keeping me away from her.

I’m not far anymore, I only have to wait about 10 days for a fatal barbituate to arrive. After that, if the pain doesn’t show signs of subsiding I’ll have to end it. I feel so bad for my parents but the pain has gone on for too long. I have things I want to accomplish. I want to write classical music in the older styles (Baroque, Romantic and well just anything) and I’m also a classical pianist. I also have this idea for a Silicon Valley startup (I’m a programmer). But I feel so alone and if I’m always in pain – how can I bear even living. If I were to continue living, I must suffer other inconveniences such as working while hiding all the pain I’m in.

I tried to live. I tried so hard to distract my heart from my pain. I got a r/c helicopter to keep my thoughts distracted but it doesn’t really help. I’m also feeding these wild kittens we noticed a few days back. But the pain is so great. It feels like a pit in my heart. There’s a continuing uneasiness there and I feel this tension that must be resolved. I go on crying spells and it felt like it’s slightly better but only for a very small while. Even to cry is an effort however. I must lie still for a period before my eyes begin to well up. I was put on prozac, but it didn’t do much, the pain just went inside me, underground. I could pretend I was ok for a while, but the pain I felt was too much as well. My family took me on a tour of Cape Town, which I had never been to despite living in South Africa my whole life. I saw some of the most beautiful places I’ve ever seen, but all I could think of is how badly I wanted her with me, to experience everything together and how happy it would make her. So the pain never really went away then either. Afterwards, I was as bad as ever and I couldn’t pretend I was okay anymore to my aunt who had come along.

Now I’ve gone off the Prozac. I thought it would mean I could cry everything out again, because the Prozac made me feel I couldn’t cry it out anymore. But the pain continues. I’m giving it a few weeks chance to clear out before I make my final decision. I’ve never really felt depressed, just so heart broken. I can feel that pain in my heart, just about all the time.

I’m sorry about everything, but at the same time I’m not, because the last few days life hasn’t even felt real to me anymore. It doesn’t feel like life is really real or that by committing suicide I’m losing something of any value. It’s like I need something extreme to make me feel alive again, but I don’t know what can. I’ve just retreated even further into my schizoid shell, I guess. Maybe I’m shocked by how awful life really is and I’ve finally withdrawn from reality.