That’s it. I said I’d wait a month before I made a decision, and I did just that. But now the time has come and the decision has been made. No more strings attached. No more saying goodbye and no more lies.
I have the date and, my method is a sure fire. I can’t afford to screw it up this time around. Besides I doubt I’ll get another chance like this…i hope the people around me who actually gave a damn can forgive me one day, but i figure that I’m doing them more of a favor this way then by sticking around. I’m not afraid. I’ve stared death in the face before and he would not take me, but this time I will stare down a barrel and he will have no choice, because the choice is mine.
I wish that there was another way. That I wouldn’t have to put the people that care about me through so much pain. But there’s not. I deserve to die. Ha. I want to die. It’s what I’ve longed for. They will heal. They’ll get over me. But ill never be a contributing member of society. I’ll never be enough and I’ll never change.
Well I guess I’m done fighting this thought of suicide. Instead I’ll just embrace it. Might as well considering that it’s on my mind every goddamn minute of every cursed day.
Somethings never change. Some wounds never heal. Besides I’m sick of playing this game of ‘ups and downs and in betweens’. Enough is enough. There is no sense in beating a dead horse.
sorry for rambling. Happy Easter….
3 comments
I understand. I hate the up & down, hot & cold, winner or loser game too.
I agree Like you I want to die and i also have chosen my method. But i have to wait because of my decision. But i am getting impatient. I can’t wait much longer.
The rollercoaster is a real pain.
nothign wrong with change but sometimes one wishes that all change were positive.
That there was a way to live and learn without pain.
That one’s time could fully be spent on pleasurable things whether it be something productive or something leisurely.