Yeah I’m ok…more lies…

Yeah, i haven’t gone on here for a long time. I thought i was actually getting better, but i just got worse. Also, if anyone remembers, my name here was MarissaSucks. Changed it since it negative and sounded odd. Your welcome.

I finally got the guts to tell my mom that i’m really depressed that i want to see a therapist since that would be helpful i guess. She said ok, but now its been like a month, i’m sure that she hasnt done anything. She thinks that this isn’t serious. I could be dead by tomorrow.

I’ve never hurt myself this bad before. I cry everynight feeling worthless. Sure, i have my bestfriend, but she can’t be there 24/7 and all we do is text because she lives in Cali. The guy who i actually love that also says it back doesn’t really help. All i can do is call him, but not all the time i’m able to. I know that this “thing” between me and him, isn’t real. But it makes me happy for once.

I’m so tired. Tired of just being here taking up space.

I only cut my wrist 5 times but thats because i wanted to feel something because my thighs weren’t helping me feel. But that just left bad scars for people to see. I wasn’t thinking. And now, people won’t stop questioning me why i’m wearing long sleeves or a sweater in the heat. I hate to lie to people, but now i do it like its nothing. I’m cold. Yeah right.

Nobody would want this girl. The ugly, anorexic, weird, awkward girl that everyone calls me. I don’t get it. Why would people bully me? i don’t say anything to offend anybody. Sure, i might think bad about you, but i don’t say it. I’m the quiet one that doesnt bother nobody. I’m glad that there is only 4 more mondays left of school, but i hurt every second. It seems so far away. I don’t know. I just want it to go away. I’m so scared to leave my bestfriend behind. I can’t, even when she is also hurting herself.

Why do they hate me? Why do i have to be so alone? I wish i can have those friends who you can trust and tell them everything. I only hang out with them at lunch so i won’t seem like a loner. But really, i am a loner. I thought i had a person to trust at school, but i guess she only used me while her other friend wasn’t talking to her. That’s cool. Just leave me like it was nothing. I should be getting used to being replaced. Happens all the time. I know that there is other people who have it harder than me, but i can only take so much pain. I guess it depends on the person. I also, stopped going on Facebook because it makes me realize how alone i am. I hate it.

You know, i used to love drawing. Until that one day, when i was very suicidal and i drew a picture that even scared me. I haven’t drawn since. Well, drawn with my feeling or emotion to it. I’m scared to draw anything because i know it won’t be pretty. And plus, i also have my mom who is a critic. Maybe i should draw something, that probably would make her believe this is real.

It’s funny how fake my parents are. Ever since i told my mom that i needed help, they like to fake like they actually love me. Every now and then they say “i love you” but they don’t deserve a response. Why couldn’t they say it but actually mean it before i became suicidal?  Oh, all of sudden they think that they should act like they care about me. I’m the forgotten child. If i want something or need something, i have to wait like months. But if my siblings want or need they get it right away. Why?

I just don’t know. My only true friend that doesn’t judge or hate me and also helps me is my razor. It’s there for me whenever i need it.

Suicide is something that i won’t live to regret either..

Nobody cares. Not even you. It’s not like any of you care for a stranger anyways.