Friends

I always feel so alone. I just want someone to hold me and tell me they love me. I want to trust that my friends actually are my friends, and aren’t just nice to me because they feel bad for me. I want them to come to my room (I live at a residential school), instead of me always going to their room. I want them to message me first. I want to know that they love me. They are all that keep me here; if they leave me, I’ll leave the world. I want their faces to light up when they see me, the way it does when they see their real friends. They tell me they are my friend and that they love me, but they don’t actually mean it. They greet others, random people they hardly know, with more enthusiasm than they do me. They’ll hug people with whom they are only acquaintances, but they won’t hug me. Even though they know that I loved to be hug, and that I reaffirm friendship and love through physical contact. But they ignore me and even when people I don’t really know that much can tell that I am upset they still say nothing. Fuck them and Fuck the world. I want to go to Heaven, and have everything better. I want to be normal, I want to be a little kid again and have no problems. I want to be happy.