I hate that my “friends” are all friends with my rapist – they claim not to be but they very obviously are. Always talking to him, laughing with him, partying with him, visiting his place, cooking for him at one point fucking him. I wish they could see how deteriorating this is. Its not enough to say I should be the one to say don’t hang out with him. if some guy that you say you’re only acquaintances with rapes you’re friend you get rid of the guy. Don’t make excuses as to why you continue to get close to him and apologise and continue to do it. Just cut the fucker off. No wonder they won’t help me make a case against him. Probably making hearts over the “i” in his fucking name. I’m fucking raging right now. They wonder why I don’t hang out with them well try take a stab in the dark there, Sherlock . After all my rape has put me through….. but why should I be fucking surprised… after all they’ve put me through!!!!
I honestly am not sure where to start this all off. This is a very long story, just to let you know. For starters, I am a 20yo male. I’ve dealt with severe clinical depression, anxiety, and anger issues since I was 11yo.
I am a current EMT and am a Paramedic student in Maryland. I joined the fire department when I was 17, and have been an EMT since I was 18.
One of my first calls as a 17yo EMT student, it had been a pretty tough day. We had already run a cardiac arrest, and I was in general having one of my down days. We get dispatched for a gunshot wound, and I had recognized the address as that of my best friend’s. He and I both being avid hunters and gun-nuts overall, I thought maybe he had an accident.
I hopped on the ambulance and we went lights and sirens to the scene. When we got there, his sister, whom was my age and we both liked each other at the time, immediately runs out of the house down the front lawn and practically tackles me, sobbing uncontrollably. At this point, I knew something bad had happened.
***NOTE: THIS NEXT PORTION WILL BE DESCRIBED GRAPHICALLY. PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN RISK***
When you enter the front door of my friend’s house, it leads directly into the living room, and there is a doorway in one corner that leads to the kitchen. It’s not a very big house, to say the least.
I walked in the front door, and immediately noticed blood spatter with brain matter on the wall in the living room, next to the doorway into the kitchen, and there were already police on the scene as well. As soon as I saw the blood and brain matter, I instantly knew what I was about to walk in to, though I denied it to myself. But once I walked into the room, any denial was crushed into non-existence. There, on the floor of the kitchen, was my childhood friend, with the back of his head missing, and blood and brain pouring from his mortal wound. His favorite gun in his collection, a .410 revolver some may know as “The Judge”, lay a few feet away from his lifeless body. I stood in the doorway for what seemed like hours, until the man who I was being trained by told me to radio dispatch and call in a priority 4 (DOA). Now normally I do not show emotion on any scenes as to remain in a calm mental state to treat my patient’s, and have become very good at it. But I looked at him, my eyes glazed with tears building in the corners, and then I could see in his face that everything clicked, between my silence and the shocked look on my face, to my friend’s sister running up to me as I consoled her. He gave me a sad look and nodded, and he called it in for me. I felt myself falling back, and reached for the wall behind me, where I leaned against it and slid myself down onto my haunches, covering my face with my hands as tears streamed freely down.
It was at that moment that I heard a shrill scream, and I had realized that his mother and father had been in the kitchen with us this whole time. My friend’s father and mother were on their knees, her face buried in his chest and sobbing/screaming, and him looking between me and what had once been his only son and my best friend with red, swollen eyes streaming with tears. She had screamed because she looked up after a while of her face being against her husband’s chest and saw that I was there. It was at that point where I lost it, falling back on my rear and hanging my head, sobbing. My friend’s sister came over to me at one point and sat next to me, holding my hand and sobbing. I had been through so much with my best buddy. From starting kindergarten together, and from that point ending up in almost all of the same classes as each other, to hiking half of the Appalachian Trail with each other, and so much more. And it was all over. I would never see him again. It was about 2 months before we graduated high school together.
In the note he left, he pertained it mostly to his family and myself. “I’m sorry, but I think you’re the only one this will hurt.”
That Monday, I entered my school, wearing my “idiot #2” shirt that I wore with him every Monday. Except I was missing “idiot #1”. I felt the entire school hallway go silent, as there were people standing in the hall, on the stairway going to the second floor, and some of the faculty standing at the entrance to the office, and I felt the tears begin to stream down my cheeks. At this point, I began to see other people crying as well, while some were audibly sobbing, with some people just hearing about it for the first time. I got many looks of sadness, understanding, and some of pity. I barely made it through that day, and it seemed as though none of the teachers were interested in teaching that day either, as every single class we watched a different movie.
I went to my friend’s funeral, which they were able to do open casket by cleaning up and covering the parts of his head where the wound was. I had been asked to give a few words some days before the funeral. I had been sitting in the front with his family, and when I was asked to come up to the podium, I stood there looking down for a few minutes at him. I looked down at his resting face, but all I could see was the sad, bloody, broken face that I had seen not but a couple weeks prior. As I began to speak, I had to stop 3 or 4 times to keep myself from breaking down. I talked the whole way through tears with a wavering voice. I shared stories of our childhood, growing up together, being idiots together, and all the fun times we had together, as well as the not-so-fun times. I shared the story in lighter detail of that call I ran, from how his sister ran to me, to when I collapsed on the floor. As I looked around the sanctuary of the church, I realized how many people were there. Keep in mind this church is massive and the limit for people per the fire department (which I helped with) is 850 people, and all the pews were packed, and there were people flooding the floor, the three sided balcony, and I saw that the front doors were opened with people standing outside, many from the school. I saw all of his family, local shop owners, teachers, fellow students, teammates, and the entire Fire Department was there. I was told later that over 900 people were originally counted, with possibly over a hundred more slowly trickling in throughout the funeral.
Sometimes, I wonder if he had known how many people cared, would that have changed his mind. Would he still be here today.
I post this 1) to get it off my chest, 2) to let you know I know what it’s like to feel this way, and 3) I can tell you what it would most likely be like if you killed yourself. After seeing the way his family, classmates, teammates, and even people who didn’t know him that well reacted, as well as my reaction, people do care, even if they don’t always show it. For those wondering why I am still in the Fire Department, my friend’s suicide, while tragic and heartbreaking, encouraged me to continue helping others who are in their darkest hours of need. It has strengthened me to be able to see that I do everything I can for my patient’s, no matter how dire their situation or condition is.
Thank you for reading this, and just know that you are loved. Don’t be afraid to cry out for help. It doesn’t mean you’re weak, it just means you’re very strong.
Dear M, My one and only friend
You were the best person I ever met. You always took care and looked out for me even though im such a child. Everytime I feel apart you helped pick me back up. You pushed and motivated me to be something with my life. I looked up to you in a lot of ways. You pushed me to get a job, mostly because i wanted money to hang out with you but i still had a job. You even inspired me to give college another chance. Your the only person I trust with my life. Your the only person i’ll listen to. Even if you didnt feel the same way you were my family, the only family I had, and I would always have your back. Through all the shit I went through no matter how fucked up my life was you was there for me. I want you to know you made this life worth living. I finally had a friend :). Finally someone who cared and gave a shit about me. Someone I could hang out with. Through all the darkness my happiest moments became when we would hang out with each other, when we used to go out to tournaments, when we used to eat ramen together. Those will always be the moments I cherish most. Thank you for those memories.
I dont know how to explain how it got to this point M. I’m dieing. And i’ve been dieing for a while. Crying in my room and fighting the urge to cut myself again. Everyone seems to ignore me but I knew I would eventually get to this point. And I tried to avoid it. The only thing I wanted in life was this friendship. And for a short time I was content with life. I finally had something. But we stopped being friends and a part of me died that day. Even now we’re still not really friends like we used to be(you currently have me blocked on fb). On top of that i’ve lost any desires in life. I dont love my family and I cant be the son/brother etc that they want me to be, as that person died a long time ago. My life is over. I dont want a job, i have no ambitions, i have no family and now it feels like I have no friends anymore. The loneliness is killing me and having no desires or drive in life, i havent had any for a while now. I just wanted to be surrounded by the people I care about. When I said my life was over this is what i meant, I gave up on my professional life a long time ago, because I dont know what to do with it or maybe I dont want anything. I just wanted a friend and after you left I realized i’d never actually be happy. People would come and go as they always have and i’d just be left hurt wondering what went wrong as I always have. I cant handle losing any more friends. Losing you destroyed me. Im sorry I didnt come to you(if I havent) because I was scared of losing my only friend again so I tried to hang on as long as I could but I cant deal with this pain anymore. I wonder how my life wouldve been if I didnt take those drugs. Maybe we’d still be friends, Maybe I wouldnt be struggling to find a job, maybe i’d feel less empty on the inside. Maybe I wouldnt have lost that part of me those couple of months. Maybe I wouldnt have any of these fucking scars. Most of the week I cry and think about cutting myself. Not a single day goes by that I dont regret not killing myself those months ago. Can I tell you a story? I told everyone in the suicide group i believe you added me in that I was going to kill myself soon. This one women took it upon her self to post it all over my fb wall so that friends would see and they could maybe do something? Well all my friends ignored it and after a hour of us going back and forth she eventually told me to just kill myself and she didnt care. Everyone seems to ignore me and it feels like I have no one to talk to. Im tired of this pain. I cant take it anymore. Im tired of this broken shit empty life. I’m tired of pretending im ok. My family destroyed me and my life just constantly keeps falling apart and constantly getting worse im so tired M. I just want to get drunk so I can finally remember what its like to be happy, to not have to worry about anything. Things arent going to get better. I dont have a family anymore. I dont have a friend to make the pain go away. I dont have a future. The world did this to me. Im not eating, im not healthy, i hate everything about my self and this life. I hate what everyone made me become. You were the only person that made me feel like I could be something in life, that this was worth struggling for, and now it feels like no one has my back. I cant do this alone. I never wanted to do this alone. I hate feeling lonely or being alone it ruins me and I cant deal with it. Im tired of crying alone in my room. Im tired of being alone.
Im sorry M. Im sorry for everything. Im sorry for everything that happened between us those couple of months. Im sorry for all the trouble I put you through. Im sorry you had to have such a broken child of a friend. You didnt deserve any of this. And im sorry for the pain this might cause. Even as im writing this the only thing I can think about is eating ramen with you again :). I remember the time we went and i cried infront of you. I wanted to say something before we left and never got to. “You are my brother M and I will always have your back no matter what. Your my family and thank you for everything you’ve done for me”. I mean it. You are my family. Fuck my family, and fuck all of my friends. They’re all dead to me. Everyone has been dead to me for years and after a while you were just the only person I cared about. I thought we’d always be close but ig thats not how things work out sometimes. You will be the only one to read this note, the only one to get a note from me. I dont know what to say to my family or “friends” who I dont love or feel any connection towards.
“Im glad your in my life because you make it more fruitful”. You said that to me one day I was high on medication and it honestly stuck with me ever since. I can die happy knowing I made someone’s life better if even for a little bit. Im sorry M please forgive me for this but I cant do this anymore and hopefully my anxiety about us not being good friends anymore or incapable of going back to that friendship was all in my head because those were the happiest moments of my life. Even when we got drunk together I had never been so happy in my life. I truly thank you for such happy memories. Please take care of yourself
Love, your child of a friend, thanks for everything
And seriously want to murder my moms drunk loser of a boyfriend. Maybe one day if things get bad enough, I’m really just waiting for him to hit her or something then all bets are off. I mean I wouldn’t kill him, probably just stab him a few times.
So I’ve been really good since my last post, did an ibogaine treatment and have been living in Mexico ever since. Been clean for longer than I ever have, and the visions I had will be with me for the rest of my life. I became a part of the ibogaine community here and made tons of friends, mostly ex junkies who were helped by iboga. I even got to help out with a couple sessions and play music for the clients during their flood nights, very very cool thing to be part of others healing after my own. And overall finally feel somewhere I belong.
The reason I’m back here is because of May 11. May 11 was the one year anniversary of my best friends death. The person I was closest too on this earth. That’s sent me into somewhat of a downward spiral of depression again. But thanks to my community and iboga it’s not TOOOO bad. Not like it used to be. I’m also going back to Canada next week after being gone for 6 months, not looking forward to that. That’s going to be the tru test of whether I’ve beaten my addiction or not. I’m going to miss the iboga and psychedelic community here as well as my friends, but they’ve introduced me to a couple iboga people back home so hopefully I won’t lose the whole community.
On that note, does anyone have experience with psychedelic medicine? After my experiences with ibogaine, followed by peyote, and some lsd thrown in (which I haven’t done since high school) I’ve felt better and more hopeful and in control than ever, besides these last couple days. It’s obviously not just the psychedelics, the community that surrounds the clinic is full of amazing people too. It’s been a long time(since my friend died) since I’ve been around people I’m entirely comfortable being myself around, and being able to share the parts of me I withhold from others in order not to be outcast. Now they aren’t perfect, no one is, in fact I’m pretty pissed off at one of my good friends right now, but it’ll work out. Part of me is ready to leave the bubble of this hippy little Mexican town, despite how magical it is, I’ll be back one day.
Anyways, I came here to talk about how depressed and suicidal I was again, but after typing that all out, I feel a lot better. I think ibogaine did something really positive to my brain, repaired a lot of damage, defragged my mind body and soul, and showed me how to begin creating the life I want. It really opened me up to new experiences too, which my social anxiety never liked, but it’s a hell of a lot easier to disregard it now. This may be tmi, but for example, I’ve always identified as bi but never really believed it. And a couple months ago I had sex with a guy, and it was fun. I think I still prefer women but it’s nice having options, and it was very liberating, as I’ve always been a rather repressed person.
Anyways that became way longer than I was intending, but it feels good to put out there. There’s also a letter my provider/therapist got me to write to my 14 year old self, and I feel it came out really well, so whenever I finish typing it out I think I’ll post it here. It feels good to let things out. I’m looking forward to the next chapter of my life, however it flows. Have a decent night everyone, hope you all can make it without too much pain.
this problem will sound pathetic if you have never really loved someone. so please dont think im screwed up or crazy, because if you have loved someone truly with every piece of yourself, you will understand. ok?
I NEED ADVICE.
so about a year ago i started talking to this guy and immediately i felt like i could trust him. i felt connected to him. then he ended up getting a girl friend until september. then we still talked a lot, before and after their break up. not in a romantic way of course but as good friends. Then we started to talk more after september, facetiming every day and night, texting allll the time. one night i was upset, and he had an exam the next morning at 9am. but he called me until 3:30am while i cried and he just listened. i loved him. but he would leave. he would talk to me for 3 weeks and make me feel like i was soo much to him and like he was interested in me as well. but then he would stop replying for a week or two and whenever i asked if he wa sok or mad he would go “its called being busy” and stuff. and so it kinda broke my heart after i while i felt like shit. i was in love with someone who i thought didnt love me. then about 2 months ago i met this other guy, he started talking to me. he liked me, still does actually. and i was hurt and scared and didnt wanna love again. i almost killed myself 15 times in november and october due to guy#1 not loving me back (he doesnt know this). but so this guy#2 keeps saying he will make up for whateve rit is that someone did to hurt me, that he cares about me, that he wants to be there for me. hes soo nice to me. but guy#1 is also back talking to me right now. and im talking to both. and they both flirt with me an dim not flirting back because it feels wrong.
i am and always will love the first guy, ive never felt so connected to another soul. but then again that situation hurt me an dif it happened again i would actually go through with the suicide.
but what if i went with guy#2 and he wasnt right for me and i lsot the first person i have ever loved (guy1).
i love the first guy, but it hurt me so much and this other guy likes me and wants to love me but im scared and i dont know what to do because i… like both…. which is wrong. but i do like the first more becayse you know but ugh.
then, the other day (like 2 nights ago) i got into an rgument with guy1. i ended up calling him to say im sorry and i started crying, i dont know why. i was so overwhelmed by everything. he talked to me for 2 hours that night while i bawled my eyes out on facetime, and he cried too.
but i dont know. i dont fucking know.
this situation itself is makibg me suicidal all over again. and dont say “neither are right” thats not an option ok? i dont wanna lead anyone on or hurt anyone. but i also can tlet myself hurt again. idk what to do. i DONT KNOW OK? FUCK HELP ME SOMEONE HELP ME PLEASE I CRY EVERY NIGHT FROM THIS PLEASE I NEED SOMEONE. id rather die.
I’m a 17 year old girl in my senior year of high school. I don’t do terribly in school, but i also don’t do great. I’m kind of mediocre at everything I do. I’m also kind of a pot head. I don’t get along great with my parents, we have really different views on everything. I have always had a good amount of friends, but recently started drifting from a lot of them. I have one best friend, and she is sort of my only friend at the moment. Don’t get me wrong, I love her like a sister, and she is a really good person, but even with her always around, I still always feel alone. I feel like i’m different than everyone else, and I can’t really connect with people. I just feel like high school is supposed to be this great big part of your life, and some of the most memorable years. I want to enjoy being young and be free and happy while I can, but i really hate high school. I consider myself a pretty girl, I’m in good shape, long blonde hair, kind smile. (not meaning any of that in a conceited way, I usually don’t think or talk highly of myself at all). But i’ve never had a boyfriend. All of my friends are always in and out of relationships. Going on dates, falling in love, being happy. I really want that. I just don’t know whats wrong with me. Guys only want to hook up with me, but never want to actually have a conversation with me. And its not just that boys will be boys, and all guys only want sex, because all of my other friends seem to have no problem finding guys that are genuinely interested in them. I don’t know, I just feel like I’m never really good enough. Im in the process of applying to colleges and stuff, which is exciting. I really want to get out of here and start somewhere new. I really hope that college will be my time. I just want to belong somewhere.
Hi guys, I am new to this site, came across it while looking for an outlet for my negative thoughts. I struggle to talk to people about how I feel, and I am finding it increasingly difficult to live with the loneliness of not being able to express myself. My friends are kind. I don’t have many, but the ones I do have I appreciate and are there for me often, but more in terms of meeting up and having fun, rather than being able to specifically talk to them. That’s why I am here.
For many years, I have felt insecure. I was severely bullied for years, from being called names to being hit and followed home from school. This caused me to move schools. Now I am in university, failing my second year, and in need of motivation to do the simplest of tasks like getting dressed and washing myself. Some days I can force myself to move, go to the gym, go into town with a friend. Other days I can’t move from my bed, my hair will become increasingly greasy and my clothes will need washing, but I remain in bed, either not eating, or eating nothing but junk food. I know that’s common with people, and I want to share my story and find some like-minded people.
My biggest problem is my constant anxiety. I have not told my parents how bad it is, and I try so hard to fit in with the fast paced-ness of my university course, and the type of people who are there, but it’s so difficult, as they are very different to me. We do fashion and textiles. Being unable to retain friendships is a big problem, because I find myself scrambling for words to say, and trying to keep a conversation going is virtually impossible. When I started University, I was very excited. I could finally move on from the oppression of school, and be my own person. What I became, however, is the same as everybody else. Well, at least that’s what I attempted. I found friends via the internet, fresher pages etc, and made friends very easily (online, I can be outgoing, almost like a complete new person), but meeting them was a different matter. At first, conversation was easy “So, what did you do at school” “what A-levels did you take?” “How is where you live?” The conversations come easily, because there is so much to learn. Me, I asked the questions, rarely answering them, because I find myself very boring and uninteresting.
A few weeks go by, and I am feeling lonely, distant. I knew a girl from school, the pretty and popular type, but we took the same classes and got along well, and ended up at the same uni, doing the same course. This was great, knowing her made me more confident, because nobody else knew eachother, but we did. I’d like to think that I created that group. All the people, I made friends with, me. I introduced everybody to eachother. However, as the months went by, I was pushed out. Conversations would be dry, with me barely being able to get a word in. They would all go out and I wouldn’t be invited, which hurt like hell when they discussed their fun days in front of me. The collective Birthday presents we decided to buy eachother apparently didn’t include me, and I wasn’t asked to sign the card. Those little things made me feel more alone than the days when I was physically hit and spat upon, because at least then I would know they disliked me, instead of being two-faced. I’m sure it’s pretty relatable, we all have those friends I guess!
I’m rambling now, my point is, I am stuck. My parents, friends.. nobody has a clue. I get emails from my lecturers and even higher up people in the university wondering why I virtually never attend, and I never have a good enough reason. What am I supposed to say, “today I was so down I couldn’t get out of bed, I’m sorry” or “It took most of my strength just to keep myself alive today”? Nope, bad idea, so instead I have to make excuses that are obviously lies and just make me look like a loser.
Anybody else feel this way? I’m struggling with seeing a future for myself. Most people by now have a direction in life, who they want to be in 5-10 years time.. me? I just want to be here. I do. As much as my negative thoughts tell me I am better off not being here, I want to stay, and prove to myself, my school bullies, and the friends who pushed me out for not being like them, that I can be somebody. Hopefully I have found somewhere I can channel my pain and stop bottling everything up.
I never really had a problem with people abandoning me because of what had happened to me a couple years ago. I was 10 years old when my best friend passed away due to an asthma attack. I was so devastated and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to go on with my life now that my only friend had gone.
I never wanted to get out of bed and i especially struggled when it came time for me to go to school. I lost so much weight and by the age of 11, i started cutting. I didn’t know how else to relieve my pain. I was sure that it would only be a one tome thing but then…the shit got addicting. I spent 3 years cutting and never told a single soul. No one ever found out about it. I remember coming home from school and looking forward to self harm (i know that it sounds sick and twisted).
One day i found a kid who understood me i knew exactly what i was going through. He was just as depressed and upset with his life as i was. We became good friends and enjoyed each others company. We then dated for a while. He was the only reason i why i kept living. Then everything came crumbling down. I found out that he hadn’t been to school in a really long time. I haven’t heard from him for a long period of time…..then i found out what had happened. He committed suicide. He slit his throat. He left me.
That was about a year ago. I became severely depressed and try to commit suicide 3 times in the pass 7 months. I ended up in the hospital about 7 times. Im now in therapy and it isn’t doing shit for me. I’m completely broken and torn apart. I’m afraid to ever love again…
…wow this sounded like a cliche story o.o
I have no hope for anything anymore, why should I keep living? I just want a reason to still be alive.
I struggle in school. After I messed up kept failing classes and failing a whole semester, it’s going to take forever for me to graduate.
Interpersonal relationships always seem to fail in some way or another, most people seem to want to take advantage of me, and leave eventually. Not to mention that I’m ugly and unlovable, so no one cares about me. I just let everyone down and disappoint them.
My father hates me so much, he changed his will to replace me with my cousins who are better than me in every way.
I can’t function as a real adult, I also have the uncanny ability to screw myself over. The property management screws me over, school screws me over, everyone screws me over and I just let it happen.
I’ll never be happy, I’ll never succeed in anything, I’ll never be loved back, no matter how much love I give to others.
Someone just please give me a reason to keep living. I can’t stand living like this.
you run , you love,
you could you wont,
you stay, you feel,
you should, you wont
You wont be allowed to being attached to someone without pain.
You wont be allowed to get what you want without hurt someone.
there are friends outhere , waitting for you
and most of the time they love you more than you will love them .
theres is no one waiting for me, no one who could love me more than I do,
I need to talk , to do something, to get out of my head all those “friendly” people who doesn’t love me back!
Damn it im such an idiot! :,(
I wanted to talk about something im having a problem with…friendship. I have one friend i’ve known her for most of my life she’s really great. We got into a fight over a rumor passed around school that I was messing around with her boyfriend. She beileved the rumors and said alot of hurtful things like, go cut yourself and no one loves you. She knows i harm myself its a sore spot for me and i instantly started crying. This happened during school so it drawed in a crowd and i felt like my whole world was crumbling around me. As if ive just been shot there was so much pain, i was already getting bullied so other people started adding more hurtful things. I said fuck it, if i am really nothing then no one would care if i died. So i made another attempt, and failed… My friend heard the news and rushed to the hopsital i was in and came into the room sobbing how sorry she was. I love her shes like a sister to me so i forgave her but i can never forget. Since this happened we’ve had a stronger bond. Friendship is realy inportant cherish it because if you dont you’ll lose it.
Sorry I’m so wordy, and you probably don’t care. I guess I’m just whiny.
My timeline of friends and now I have no one..
I’ve been a very sensitive person, who loved other people very much.
I was always ready to help them, to support them by listening them.
I realized that people uses me like a diposable tissue, throwing me away when I stop to be useful to them.
I realized that I can open my heart to other people, but they never open their heart to me.
I realized that I can help other people, but when I am the one who needs help, nobody is there, neither the person I’ve helped, neither the other person.
I stopped helping, listening, or socializing, it hurts too much.
I realized I’ve never met a good person. People are not good.
I believed once in friendship, and I considered a friend as important as a lover.
But people have only friends because they can take some advantage.
Anyway, I never had friends. I may have considered some people like friends, but I realized I’ve never been something to anyone.
I don’t like people anymore.
I would need help in life, I never had families or friend to help me. I have been completely alone since I am 14. Alone in this world, my mother never knew when I was not sleeping in my home. When I was going back at home the day after, she didn’t know I was not at home, because she didn’t care. Maybe she has too much problem herself, but it’s the same thing.
I would need a little help to be better, but I know that people are not interested in doing good thing in other people than themselves. So, in this world with no love, no help, friendship that is only an empty word, it’s better to go.
Do you think like me?
I have no really good friends and im sick of it. I try to see what the problem is and the only thing I can think of is that I dont “pop out” like everyone else does. Everyone has something special about them. Not me, Im just a boring, depressed person who dosent have friends. I dont blame people that they dont like to talk to me. Also, everyone that I know has had at least 1 boyfriend before, but me. I know im not popular but seriously. I feel unloved. It feels like I have a dark pit in my heart because Ive been neglected by everyone. Im just not special and nobody like me. Nobody has ever felt any attraction to me either. Am I that horrible of a person? Even my friends dont think im interesting.
So, I have nowhere to rant so im just gonna do it here. Excuse my incorrect grammar and spelling or confusing stuff. Here goes. Please stick with me.
Everyone who I thought was my friend just ignores me. Im never invited anywhere when all my best friends go out together. People never text me, I have to text them first, and they just ignore me. I’m fucking sick of trying to make everyone happy when no one gives a shit about me. Thats one of the reasons why I have depression. Now let me tell about other stuff.
Im not sure how this all started off. I just remember trying to cut one day but I chickened out. A couple days later I did cut and I was so proud of myself. My cuts got deeper and deeper. It was an addiction. Im sure everybody around me noticed I was depressed but they didnt care. Even my mom didnt care. My friends didnt even give a shit. Im so sick of everyone else having a friend to go to but me.
I started to go numb inside. I also started to think about suicide. I seriously almost killed myself one day. It was hell, I was holding my knife, and having flashes in my head of killing myself. Im still in so much pain. School was hell, I was trying not to cry throughout the day. I cried as soon as I got home, cut, and went to sleep to escape from everything. The next day, I was so numb, not happy, not sad, just annoyed. I hated talking to people it was so irritating and took so much effort.
Anyway, my depression completely ruined my social life. I felt so sick of trying to make friends when I was just ignored. I was neglected by everyone so I didnt give a shit anymore. I blocked everyone out. Since I went numb and gave up on talking to people, I forgot how to hold a normal conversation. Now im known as the girl that never talks. I dont see the point in talking to anyone anymore, I forget how to talk to people normally. I fucking hate what my depression did to me.
Sometimes Im not depressed, I miss the feeling of sadness so I cut to make myself sad again. I love and hate depression at the same time. Its weird. Like, I want to be happy, but at the same time I dont. I still havent gotten better and I dont want to.
Anyway, if you read this whole thing, thank you so much. Goodbye now
I’m tired of always initiating conversations, and never willingly talked to.
I’m tired of being the one to invite them, and they don’t even consider inviting me.
I’m tired of sacrificing my free time planning for us to hang out, and then be ignored when we’re together.
I’m tired of always listening to their troubles and soothing them, and be ignored when I’m sad myself.
I’m tired of the fact that everything I do is hypocritical, and that they are always right.
I’m tired of being told I matter, even though they do all these things to me.
I’m tired of having friends that make me feel like shit and let me cry for hours, and then don’t even bother giving me a legit apology.
I’m am so sick and tired of my friends that hardly lift a finger to hang out with me, yet change their entire schedule to hang out with each other.
But I’m even more tired of the fact that I don’t have to courage to tell them this, because I’m afraid they’ll leave me.
When push came to shove, and I found that most of my friends left me. It seemed like they had left me to die.
I will never forgive some of them for leaving me when I needed someone. I felt so alone already, and when they left, I fell into a deeper depression than I was already in.
I guess I’m writing this to tell the truth. Most friendships don’t last. I was friends with someone for 11 years, and as soon as high school came around, everything changed for good. We drifted apart, as people do, and became different people.
We don’t talk anymore. There are still rumours and gossip and drama that I can never escape. Maybe it will follow me around forever.
But, I can’t just blame people, to try to forgive them. I have to forgive myself. I have to be willing to step up to the plate for my own actions, I have to be able to know when I am doing something wrong. Forgiving myself has been a long road, it’s hard. Because the more you pin point the problems, the more it comes back to you.
You can’t hold grudges on people forever. People make mistakes. They hurt you, they leave you, and god do I know, it hurts. It hurts physically and emotionally, but, you have to move on, you have to be able to take the first step to recovery. It isn’t easy, and nothing ever is, but you have to have the will power to get up and get out of the dark place you are in.
We can do this, even if it means we loose people we love.
I’ve got a roommate that I love dearly. Keep in mind, I knew that he didn’t want to marry me, he claimed is was just his friend. He’s was not in the best of health, and I’ve done things for him that only medical people would do; enemas, insulin shots, emptied urinals. I’ve even handled his mail and banking when he’s in the hospital. Now, after 15 years, his health is better, and he’s going back to his old self, screwing any female that looks like a stripper.
But this man, whom I love dearly, doesn’t love me. We got into a hell of a fight. I’m not good enough for him; I’m lazy and fat, and just tonight he hit me twice and called me an “idiot”, “Fucking *****”, “Crazy *****”, etc.
You see, I’m 49 years old. I was molested as a child and my father HATED me. I have no children, no family, no friends. I’m Bi-Polar II and have horrible PMS. In the past I’ve lost my house, my car, several jobs, and my husband. Currently I have no money, no job, and nowhere to go.
As if now I have 30 days to get move out. Where the fuck am I going to go?
I don’t want to “start again”. I don’t want a “new beginning”. I just want out. But I don’t have the courage or the means to kill myself. I’m so fucking useless, even to myself.
Thanks for listening.
I don’t really know how I feel.
I haven’t talked to my friends in a month or so, at first it was because I was kind of lazy and didn’t feel like talking, but as days passed I realized how little my “friends” care. I mean, did I really mean nothing to them? All the communication I had was with one of them because she replied to something I tweeted. I know they check my twitter all the time, so they know I have been feeling like shit and they don’t fucking care! I just don’t know if I’m angry, or upset, I don’t know. I just know that from now on I don’t have friends, because they’re all fucking cunts who only think about themselves.
I am here for you. Always. You are my family, my closest friends. I believe in you and in Suicide Project. Merry Christmas to everyone. Share love and affection with your loved ones. Don’t let depression, disorders or crisis ruin these days of happiness. I wish the best!