I feel at a crossroads.
I have tried 5 times to kill myself and 1 week ago I knelt in my bathroom with my neck in a noose and started to inject a drug to put myself to sleep. I stopped, and since then have been very angry with myself but also wondering why I did stop.
I have to go back to work, continue with my painful and pointless existence alone and it annoys me that I have to do this, yet again. Is it worth fighting or should I just give up because this cycle of deep pain is just killing me slowly.
7 comments
Fight on… we must stop Paula at all costs 🙂
I feel so often like this. I have always been alone and because of my personality which I can’t seem to be able to change, I really doubt that I get over that.
I don’t know the case why you stopped, but I have stopped because I have this very small hope that things eventually get better. It probably won’t happen, but I always find myself thinking about that when I am either setting up or attempting suicide…
I can’t get rid of it, and often I think about the choices:
Live a life that is painful, but a small hope of eventually getting better.
or:
Die, and never feel or enjoy anything…
Because you have tried and stopped this may be a sign of the belief that you have a purpose. Hold on and try to seek some help. You are worth fighting for.
STAY STRONG…
There are possibly some truths there, but I think I have almost answered my own question. I have paused, but not stopped. I felt it again, left my isolation for only 30 min, went to work (it is night here nobody there) and all those horrible feelings and all that pointless, nothingness came flooding back and all that hell that I know I will need to go through just to be there. Oh people pretend they give a shit, but where have they been? Where have they been while I melt into nothing?
Stopping, yes, I still cannot figure it out. I don’t buy into the sub conscious thing though. I know I want to die and I know I will soon, my noose and needle are where I left them and it is just a matter of time before I succumb. Then I will be free, then I will be alone, gone, leaving them to their business without me around.
Paula is there for the taking, I am sure you will one day defeat her. Today was my rest day from running, tomorrow is my long 30km run if I can summon the energy
I got to know a bipolar person on this site and she became my best friend. She’s doing ok now but has been on so many different medications. I’ve listen to her suicidal thoughts and periods of hospitalisation. But if you hear her now she’s a completely different person. So, if you asked her about suicide now nothing would be further from her mind and she’s in good spirits because of this new medication. Bipolar is difficult because it’s more unpredictable. But how do you know that you might not feel differently in the future.
I have been in and out of hospital so many times now. They do not see Bi-Polar, ADHD, Autism, nothing. Just a guy who is depressed, apparently. Throw meds at me, but I just abuse them. Well, who knows, maybe in 1 year, 2 years or 5 from now I might think differently. I might have made it and be happy with life. But is the pain of my daily life now worth it? I think I would rather end it now than carry on with pain for that long.