eternal abyss

where do i begin? i don’t even care. i have no one. no purpose. no friends. sure i have pseudo-friends. but not one that would bother be inconvenienced to alter their precious life to help me. so i am alone. perpetually. look, i don’t even bother with capital letters anymore. i don’t expect anyone to even read this so what’s the use anyway? i wish it would end. i haven’t the courage to end things myself. so i just wish for it and cry. i wish i had a real sickness. cancer. something. i almost think at times that then people would notice. but then i realize that it would only be for show. like most things are. my life is a complete waste. i matter to no one. not even my family. not even my child. they couldn’t care less. could i blame them? i’ve accomplished nothing. i’ve got nothing to show. i am very talented with a paint brush. a lot of good it’s done me. people in my life just continue to move on to better things. while i continue to remain stagnant, never-ending cycle of flushing shit. sometimes it seems things are looking up. but that is only so that it is a longer drop to the bottom. i wouldn’t even be here if i had a real person to talk to. i just want someone to sit in my sorrow with me. not tell me it’s going to me ok, because i know it isn’t. my life has been abandonment from the start. and i hate everyone for it. i think of what people would do if i were gone. i fantasize that hearts would be broken. but then realizing that my loss would hardly be noticed is sobering and more realistic. i can’t even try anymore. life, just end.