I was thinking about suicide and came to the conclusion that it is also a very “romantic” and passionate thing to do. This may sound awful, but I enjoy reading and hearing about suicides online and in the news. I do feel sorry for their loved ones, but it just inspires me and makes me think if they can do it, so can I and other people who no longer desire life. I try to put myself in their shoes, alone with some gun or rope or at the edge of a cliff ready to dive head first….adrenaline and excitement in their blood knowing life, hopelessness, and suffering are soon to be over. God what a feeling of power…to be able to end one’s life. In the afterlife (if there is one and we somehow retain our memories and personality) I know I’ll look for and give those people a lot of hugs, love, and respect. It takes a lot of nerve to surrender everything and suicide in hopes of peace and freedom. It takes a lot of will. Unless, of course, you’re one of the impulsive types, but still it takes a lot of nerve.
It takes a lot of courage to end your suffering
and even more courage to live through it
…. unfortunately, I have the courage for neither
Hello, everyone. First post here. Found this site about a week ago, and have been reading quite many posts since then. Maybe I should introduce myself… I am a man, just below 40, living in one of the Scandinavian countries. My life has been ok overall, aside for some suicide thoughts in my late teens, but I guess I was never serious about it then. Up until early august, my life has been fine, until it crashed completely. Even the day before it crashed, I was thinking that “Everything is quite good!”. And then, something happened. Something that I see now was unavoidable, and for the most part (if not all) my own fault.
Three months have soon passed since that dreadful moment, and I do not feel one trace of a hope. I see no joy in anything, every day is just a gray haze passing by, I am just watching the days go by, and when I try to get some hours of sleep every night I wish so much I will not wake up. It is all strange really, how one thing can affect you that much, especially thinking that other aspects of my life are quite ok. I am healthy. I look ok. I am not broke (if not having a lot of money either). I have the support of mother and father and sister, I have friends to talk to. But I could never guess how utterly devastated I would become from this that has passed. None of these other aspects matters a bit in the big scheme, they all pale in comparision to the hell I feel and have felt every single day since early august. I am a broken puzzle made of glass, with pieces as thin as leaves. I have no way at all out of this, I cannot find the key, I am at the bottom of a chasm with broken legs, blindfolded, trying to look for a key which I have no idea where to find. I am really stumbling in the dark and it doesn’t get better and I have realised the last weeks that it will not become better. I can in no way stand the thought of living another 40 or so years feeling like this – even if the pain might (or might not) lessen a tad bit over time. The opportunity and feelings wasted is simply overwhelming.
Some would call it weak, and I would not disagree. But what some people handle with ease, other cannot handle, and vice versa. For me, this is a situation that I cannot handle. I do not want to die, but I do not want to feel like this, and the only solution as I see it is the final sleep. The worst part of it all is that I do not know if I have the courage to end my life. It is not about wanting to stay in this world, nor fear of what’s beyond (I am not religious, I am an agnostic if anything). It’s just that the concept of throwing myself in front of a train (which I think might be the only way for me) does not seem that appealing to me. I do not want to die, I just want escape from the heartache and pain and suffering I constantly feel. Therapists would be of no use, trust me. Anitdepressants? Maybe, I do not know, and I do not care enough to try. My final day is not imminent, I have told myself I will suffer through a couple of more weeks or even months, but if the situation does not change, there is no way I can live like this. It is out of the question.
Oh, I’ve tried. I’ve tried letting the sorrow engulf me in order to “get it out”. I’ve tried “doing things” to keep me distracted. I’ve talked to friends and family (and one professional one time) about my feelings and my problem. I have no problem speaking about the situation in order to see aspects that I haven’t seen. I do not *want* to feel like this, after all. I’ve tried excercising. I’ve tried “rest”. I’ve tried to bury myself in work. I’ve tried to find things to look forward to. I’ve tried to “close off” my feelings. I’ve tried to be alone. I’ve tried to be in company. But every single day, 75% of the time since it happened, it is all I can think about. The nights gets me no rest from the demons that haunt me. What little hours I sleep are hacked up in portions, and every time I wake up, the first thing I think about instantly is my situation, which makes it near impossible to fall back asleep. I am amazed that my physical health hasn’t yet been that much affected from the immense lack of sleep. As for my mental health, I fear. I really fear I am losing my mind, constantly picking my mind about what has happened and how things are now. There is nothing I can do about it, and I do realise that to some extent, and I keep telling myself I have to put what has happened behind me since I cannot change the situation about it. But that doesn’t help either. Even what few times at night when I try to sleep I can feel my mind a tad tiny bit at ease at time, it seems my heart itself remembers and will not let me forget since it keeps pounding hard and loud and echoes in my ears.
But I digress. I guess my main question is: where do you find the courage to end your life? My lack of courage is not because I want to live or have hopes that things will get better (well, I HOPE, but have no hope for it, so to speak). I do not know where my lack of courage comes from. Of course my mother and father and sister would be devastated, I know this. But that is not enough to keep me here and my lack of courage haven’t got anything to do with that. Why do I lack courage, and where can I find it? As I said, my final demise is not imminent. Even though the pain indeed is unbearable in the long run, I can and will suffer through at least a couple of weeks. Probably at least a month or two. I need to let this decision, if that is what it is, sink in. I need to think what I need to do before (aside from goodbye-letters, are there really anything you really need to do?).
I genuinely believe that some people don’t belong in this world. This atmosphere is just too much for us and we need an escape. I am one of those people that just isn’t meant for this environment. I need a different way and I think heaven would be so great. I know it would be great. I just wish I had the courage and strength to go there.
I’m still trying to find the courage to jump. Jumping is like all I have left to try. Can’t bleed, tried it, got gnarly scars. Can’t OD, too much risk of survival. Want to try the exit bag, but I’ve heard that the success rate is less than favorable. I don’t want to jump. I want to die pretty, and I need my family to know that I’m gone. I don’t want them to worry and wonder if I just disappear and die out in the middle of nowhere. I can’t do that to them.
I don’t want to jump…. I thought about hanging, too, but that would be hard without jumping… jumping and snapping the neck is the easiest.. but how do you make yourself step off the cliff?
I feel like a coward… I’m supposed to follow him. To meet him. To be with him again… Why is it so difficult to jump?
I have a plan.
I have a date.
I have the materials.
All I need is the courage.
Part of my brain says I should just take a leap of faith and talk to someone. Talk about the cutting, the suicide attempts. But I’m just feeling all the “what if’s”. I hope I can find the courage before it’s too late. I don’t want to die, but I don’t always want to live either.
“Better an end with terror, than a terror without end.”
“Should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee?”
“A lot of you cared, just not enough.”
“But in the end, one needs more courage to live than to kill himself.”
Lots and lots of insightful and witty statements and quotes about shuffling off this mortal coil atÂ http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/suicide?page=1
Im numb now… no not numb exactly…I have forgiven him all the shit that went down… an addiction is a nasty thing and he is seeking help. has a specialist who deals with the sexual addiction may be going to a inpatient facility for a while… I forgave him (mostly some days it is hard though to remember that) .. now it is just the life with him.. my life ..
Im not sure I want it any more.. not just the life with him but any life.. well obviously im on here it has been like that for a while.
but Im not happy and I do not think I ever will be.
He dosnt think he can ever give me what I need… (to physically desire me) a sex addict and he cant even find it in himself to feel lust for me! WOW Irony how I Love you so! Im tired of feeling like a awful person. I look at the children I have with him and there is a sick sick part of myself that thinks.. I should not have had them. that I conceived them because of lies and deceit and I wish I did not have to raise them and I could just walk away. But I love them so much.. that when those thoughts come I feel like a monster.
I have kept fighting to work on us to be together.. and now… I think im done… 15 years for this?
it is way to much to deal with any more…
should there have been some kind of gratefulness at my willingness to stay to try to work on things? to try and forgive?
so so so so done…
I pray when I do if I do ever get the courage to do this… to just end… that he alone has to deal with all of it..
I know I want to do it. I’m 22 , graduating college- everything seems ok. But I recently lost two jobs. I have battled with depression for years, and some of the horrible things that happened to me in my past are starting to show up in my head. I cant make freinds and I literaly sit at home and cry all day. I am in so much pain. I understand completley that killing myself is the only answer. But how do I get the courage to do it ? Part of me is scared of the consequence I guess. Please help. Ideas for something quick- easy cheap, that I couldn’t take back or my boyfreind couldn’t detect?
I don’t want to die, but I made my mind: I have to. Unfortunately, I’m such a coward! It’s been month since I took the decision of killing myself. Months… And I keep postponing it, like everything else in my life… I would like it to be easy, but it’s not. It’s so hard to think to myself “This is the last time I see him/her. The last time I eat chocolate. The last time I take a bath.”, for everything…
I think that my suicide is so difficult to commit because I took the decision with my brain, not with my guts. I’m unhappy, I’m depressed, but I’m not suffering a lot, compared to what I used to those past 12 years.
But I NEED to die! I know deep inside me that I can’t have a happy life. I’m too broken… I have always been.
I need courage.
i’m so sick and tired of existing. sometimes i don’t feel fear, i am terrified of the pain that will come with killing myself because there is no easy way out, but sometimes i feel no fear, i feel desperation and unbearable pain. i just want it to be over and i NEED the courage to just fucking do it. i’m miserable and tired. the worst part to all of this is that there is no reason behind any of the pain that i feel or for that matter the pain anybody feels. theres no reason. no meaning. nothing. as they say, shit just happens. and this is not a world i want to live in and there is nothing beautiful about depression. nothing is beautiful about self harm or eating disorders or sexual abuse or fucking anything. it’s a sick, twisted, cruel, fucking world and i cannot do this anymore. i never could.
I promisedÂ myselfÂ I would kill myself before I finish high school (I’m in 9th grade) but I keep onÂ postponing it…sometimes I wish I had enough courage to do it but I don’t want to die alone…I hate it when someone asks me why I want to kill myself… I can’t describe my feelings with words someone would have to feel what I feel to understand…everyday is aÂ struggle to keep myself together , sometimes I feel so alone and unwanted…everyday I wake up I just want to crawl in a hole and die…
I also feel so stressed out when I go to school and it doesn’t make it any better when everyone around me is just sooo happy and teachers give you homework everyday or else they fail you…
when IÂ finally realized I was kinda pretty it didn’t even matter anymore when I die all that will be left of me is skull and bones
what’s the point of being alive if I’m going to die sooner or later…
I’m tired of not knowing what’s going to happen next for all I know I could dieÂ tomorrow…
Strength. Courage. Love. Happiness.
I thought I was strong, but these past few days have shown me otherwise.Â I’ve slowly been changing each and every day…and not for the better.
A few years ago, I used to be suicidal. I would only wake up in the mornings to think about death, cutting, and hatred. I hated the world around me and it hated me back. I had accepted that. I got no support from friends or family surrounding me so I had learned to depend on only myself. It took a few years, but I was able to get past all this. I had finally believed that I was genuinely happy and that I wouldn’t go back to those dark ways. Well, guess I’ve regressed back to how I was 4 years ago…
This year was awful for me. Probably terrible for everyone on here as well, but I can say without a doubt that it’s the worst year I’ve experienced in my life span of 18 years. I started off this year with my best friend betraying me, and I almost took my life because of all the damage that she’s created. In April, I had finally gotten into my first relationship that I’ve been wanting for so long, but the guy turned out to be the worst type of human being alive. He cheated on me, left me for another girl (only to be rejected and come crawling back to me) and like an idiot, I took him back (only to have him do the same shit to me again) but this time, he was able to leave me for good. I become friends with his now ex girlfriend and I’ve learned that every bad thing he did to me, he did to her. I’ve also learned that he’s been going around telling people that I cheated on him when I never have. Normally I wouldn’t care, but I got so attached to him because he was my first boyfriend, and I had really believed that I finally found someone that loved me. Well, I was wrong.
Like everyone on here, my self-esteem is shit. I really don’t believe it when people tell me “you’re beautiful” because I just don’t see it myself. It also doesn’t help when my parents blame the fact that my boyfriend had left me for another girl because I’m overweight and she was “prettier” and “skinnier” than me. Oh, but then again, my parents blame everything on my weight. I also firmly believe in karma and I believe that all these terrible things that happen to me is a result of me being a terrible person. I really do believe that I’m a horrible person because of all these bad things keep happening to me which, in return, causes me to self-harm.
I used to cut myself four years ago, but it wasn’t my wrists that I would cut, it was the top of my forearm, right underneath my hand. Of course I got caught and after going through a bunch of shit with my parents, I had “promised” that I wouldn’t cut myself ever again. Note how I put that in parenthesis…that’s because I would continue to self-harm, but I found different ways besides cutting. On the tennis court, I would smash my racquet into my legs to create bruises as a way to punish myself for not performing as well as I should have, but my main method would be to scratch my hands. I only really scratch my left hand (even though I’m left handed) but my right hand always seems to have the longer, sharper nails. I can get away from scratching because I can make it seem like it was an accident, but last night it wasn’t enough.
I had found this razor amongst my art supplies and for the first time in 4 years, I began to cut. I decided to cut on my thighs because it’s too obvious on my wrists, but I was almost caught today. Today my family insisted on going to the beach, but luckily everyone got into an argument with one another and the beach plan was canceled. Thankfully, I was able to get away with it today, but this still didn’t stop me from cutting again today…
I really don’t know why I’ve regressed back to being this way…I feel as if I’ve lost everything. Although I should be happy and I really have no excuse to feel this way, I still feel like absolute shit. I feel sort of numb in a way. I feel as though there isn’t any point in doing anything anymore. Although I won’t be committing suicide any time soon (or at all hopefully), I still feel terribly alone and afraid. I can’t talk to any of my friends about this. I only really talk to 2 specific people about how I feel because they truly understand me. 1 of them I met on this website and we’ve been emailing each other everyday since my last post, and the other moved to Germany and he basically goes through the same shit I do and feels the exact same way as me, so he helps me a lot. You’d think that by having this support I would be fine right? Wrong. Because of the 5-6 hour time zone difference between us, they’re always asleep whenever I need them most…like now. I can’t be selfish and expect them to always help me, which is why I mostly try to help them instead of focusing the conversation onto me, but sometimes, I wish I had someone here with me to hug me and comfort me when I mostly need it.
I think I might just be posting this note because I want to get my feelings out, but thank you to anybody that took the time out of their day to read this.
I don’t think anyone knows the battle you have with your own mind. Day in and day out. Then the people who set you off yell at you and blame you as if it not their fault. Frankly if you set anyone off and blame them they will get mad. So why blame it on the person who is already upset with daily living.
Frankly one day i will have enough courage to kill myself. The thought of leaving the world and the pain and suffering actually makes me more excited for death to come. To think that i will not be in pain anymore. I will not feel this way anymore. It is the only think i have looking forward too.
No one knows the stuggle it is to wake up everyday with the feelings of dispair and loss. and emotional pain. your heart literally aches every day. And the sad part is i have been feeling this way for over 8 years.
Maybe today will be the say i have enough courage to finally take away my pain.
For a long time now I’ve been subconsciously planning my suicide. My main reason for this is this ever growing sensation of “weltschmerz” – feeling the pain of the world and the uselessness of existence and living.
I have a good job that pays well. I am married to a woman that loves me, I have two beautiful and adorable children and still these aren’t good enough reasons for me to keep on living.
For as long that I can remember, I’ve been trying to live life, but never really knowing how. On the outside I’m am successful, but on the inside there is only this big desert filled with nothing.
Suicide has been in my mind since I heard about it for the first time when I was a young boy.
So, this morning the time for my big finale had come. I fixed one of my neckties through a loop on the ceiling and tied a noose. I climbed up on a stool, stood there for a long time until I had mobilized enough courage to kickÂ awayÂ the stool and all went dark.
I woke up in spasms on the floor. I came to myself as if I was waking up from a dream, coming back from a dark hole. The light slowly came back and the surroundings started to appear around me. Had I become a ghost? No, I realized that the necktie I used to hang myself with had torn, wasn’t strong enough.
My first sensation? Failure. Now I’m fighting myself as to whether I should redo it or not.
It’s the first time for me. I felt no pain. Now, my throat aches a little and my elbow and knee are bruised from the fall, apart from that no physical pain.
who ever reads this, Hi to you.
I salute myself that I have got the courage to create an account and post my first story that I always kept in my heart. My story in short, I still LOVE him. I spent the best five years with him and all of a sudden we broke up and we both love each other, shall I blame it to theÂ circumstance? or blame us?
Now two years past, my feelings are the same. I LOVE HIM. no day passes without thinking of him and checking all his social media accounts 🙁
Tell me how can I ignore my heart and move on? I feel incomplete. I’m full of tears and wounds. Pray for me.
I am sick of the bullshit that people say to me about suicide. All are invalid or just something they say because they dont know what to say.
“it gets better” – are you personally guaranteeing that? in reality it can also and more likely get WORSE
“someone loves you stay alive for them” – If suicide is selfish isn’t demanding someone to stay for you despite their pain and misery even more selfish?
“suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem” – unless of course the problem is permanent then the solution is perfect. I dont think a temporary solution for a permanent problem is very helpful. If the problem is temporary suicide is still a solution none the less
“God never gives you more than you can handle” – I’d prefer if he would give me LESS than what he thought I could handle because Im not handling this shit very well at all
“Other people in 3rd world countries have it worse” – Oh so what you are saying is despite my own bullshit and problems I should compare them to others and be happy that their problems are worse. perfect logic.
“you can pull yourself out this slump” – this is the equivalent of giving someone a waterhose when they are on fire and drenched in oil and telling them to put themselves out.
“I didnt raise you to be weak minded” – I don’t think people can choose if they are weak minded just like they cant choose if they are intelligent its either you are or you aren’t
“suicide is murder and you will answer to god” – If this is true I will give him an honest answer. Can he be angry at me for being weak?
“suicide is the cowards/easy way out” – It takes courage to kill yourself just as much as it takes courage to live the deciding factor is which one you fear more Life or death? and it is not the “easy” way out. If it were easy a LOT more serious attempts would be completed suicides
“suicidal people dont hesitate they just do it” – this is true for some that commit suicide on impulse but most of us carefully plan our exits with consideration for others and what we want to happen after the fact.
“everybody goes thru something in life” – people go thru high school not 100% make it thru. People go thru car accidents not 100% make it thru. People go thru surgery not 100% make it thru. people go thruÂ something in life….not 100% make it thru
“what about all the future things you will miss” – Im sure I won’t enjoy my future as today was once the future and by all means I would have ended it LONG ago had I known what was to become of me and Im sure I wont miss more depression or homelessness or possibly becoming involuntarily detained in somebodies psych ward
“you wont see another sunset, sunrise etc” – Ive seen enough already
“You have so much to live for” – yes like waking up and knowing Im a fucking failure ass piece of shit who cant do shit wont be shit and will never be shit..
I cant think of anymore now but please stop saying shit like this because it doesn’t help
I am praying that I don’t wake up in the morning. I usually do this each night before I go to bed now. I don’t yet have the courage to end things myself but I keep thinking each day I will get braver. I know why I want to end my life would seem rediculas to many. silly.. but the pain my heart and mind are in is unbearable to me. I do not want to hear it will get better. that I will heal that there is other options or that someone out there cares. or will love me. I can not even begin to belive that is possable.
For the last 7 years the only person I have ever truly believed in and thought of as my soul mate has been betraying me. lying to me and destroying our marriage. it meant nothing to him to do it. never thought about what h was doing. never cared enough about me to be honest with me.Â I failed him and disappointed him long ago.. so in turn he has been “cheating ” on me.. to ME it is cheating. he has spent over 20 K in the last 7 ears talking to on line whores. spending money we don’t have. we are in debt.. some months barley scraping by.. I almost never buy anything for me.. have had a broken engagement ring for 4 years because I could not justify to myself spending 275 bucks on something that would not benefit our family. Our children need dressers.. he has made me feel bad for even spending 4 bucks on a coffee for myself or wanting to buy fast food.. like I spend all our money and I felt bad.. I tried to be good.. but in one night alone he had dropped 1200 plus on talking to on line hookers… he has gone 3 years without giving me a complement that I did not literally ask for.. with how do I look? do you like this?Â we have had very little sex life.. he was just not interested.. he would say he was getting older… his libido was not what it use to be (he is 30) yet he can spend over 6 hours speaking to whores and jerking off… he had so many chances to tell me the truth.. but didnt till it was going to be discovered.. and then still held back truths like he had several e mail accounts and had joined hundreds of sex chats sex sites dating sites exchanged personal e mails and pictures and video chatted and im chatted (he used fake pictures f a monster sized black mans penis he himself is a decent sized scrawny white guy though)… he has tarnished everything in my life… our wedding engagement our conceiving our children both times when we were supposed to be abstaining 3 days before trying.. he was on this site jerking off… my pregnancy’s.. and when I was in hospital recovering from emergency c section with our first and then hours before we were going in to have our second… on my birthday on his… im so heart sick so depressed I just dont want to wake up to this being my life any more… I love him so much… I want to be with him.. how?? I can never trust him… I find everything he dose suspect… I hurt so bad.. my mind can not stop dwelling on this.. I am not good enough was never good enough to be faithful to or honest with… he will always want more because I was his only one.. and I can not deal with that.. he says he wants to fix things but I dont think there is a way… I really just want to die.. I dont want to wake up.. I just need courage.. please pray… that I dont wake up one day.. that I find courage.. that …I wont hurt any more..
The worst fear in my life is not that i will lead a lonely life but that the loneliness will drive me insane.
Even when I am in the midst of a huge crowd, a familiar crowd of friends and relatives, that feeling of loneliness creeps in and sometimes pushes me into that unholy pool of madness… where the first impulse is to hide from everyone, the second is a strong desire to run away from everythingÂ and everyone,and then i get caught up in a feeling of despair… at how helpless and useless i am and then the doubts about why i am here to suffer. Then i am plagued by the need to end my existence but there the struggle begins as iÂ lack the courage to kill myself …
My mind squirms under the pressure it created all by itself .. I will do anything to stay sane… I don’t want to be a lunatic with no control over my thoughts… i know i am a failure but i pray that my sanity will not fail me…Before i go completely mad i must somehow muster the strength, either to end my life or to keep the madness at bay …. i don’t know how … but i will… I just cannot bring shame on myself or my family by being totally unsound of mind… I hold on to my sanity by the barest of threads… Anyways i know i can because i have to … there is no choice… i have to and i will….
Well, I haven’t been looking around much here, but I thought that if I write it down, I might have a better picture of my situation.
Basically, there’s nothing wrong with my life. I got a nice apt., a cat, a loving BF and a Â great family. Even job is OK.
Thing is – I just don’t want to live anymore, I have no interest in seeing what will happen next, no plan for kids/children, no interest in finding a new job or studying (have already pursued a Master’s degree). In short, I just don’t care anymore. I don’t see the point of all this, I’m not into “having high-times” or being fussy about something in particular, there’s value to my life, but there’s no reason for me to keep on wanting being here. I have had enough of trying, I’m not tempted by new things, am not intrigued by new experiences or anything, I’m not depressed nor melancholic, it’s just that really – I got this point of what life is, I have experienced enough and I’m good to go, to move forwards – to end this. I mean, why should I remain alive Â – to keep the ones who are closed to me happy?
Are not you fed up of this world sometimes? Are not you also thinking – do I really need to do this – find a new job, build a career, raise a family – and what for? Really? WHAT FOR? To bound to social rules? because everyone is doing so? Heck, who cares if I make it or not, but me? I should be the only one caring, and for a long long time now (years) I really don’t see the point of being alive. Had my parents were gone, I would have ended my life. (spare me “you are essential, you are loved, etc…” – I know these things).
Surely, I’ll have the courage soon enough.