I am 12 years old. I have been suicidal since I was about 10 due to the shitty way the other kids treated me. I am overweight and I have self esteem issues.
In my class at school there is a girl who is always crying when no one is paying attention to her. We are pretty much friends, and she has admitted to me that 4 months ago her grandfather committed suicide and she’s been upset about it ever since.
I think she has extreme deppression, because I read up on it recently. The way she acts makes me feel as if my pain is ammature and stupid. As if I am just seeking attention.
Sometimes I wonder if I have some kind of mental illness. I often have these weird negative feelings but I have no way to describe them and I have not heard of anything like them. They are just these deppressed, lonely kind of feelings where I feel as if I have lost everything. As if all the joy and happiness has been sucked out of my life and I am stuck in this empty routine.
I have attempted to strangle my self with a scarf twice recently. For some strange reason I have kind of become attached to it, as if it is some kind of comforting toy.
During the day I look for places that would be good enough to hang myself or jump off of. I look for places that are extremely high up, or things that could support my weight. I have considered cutting but I am afraid of pain….
I used to go to a psychologist to talk about my problems. My mum stopped taking me though, so now these bad feelings have come back and I don’t have anyone to talk to. I used to talk to my mum before I started seeing my psycologist but we are no longer very close so it’s hard for me now. Me and my best friend have drifted apart too. So she’s pretty much only a good friend. I can’t talk to her about how much I want to kill myself.
I don’t have any other friends. I am all alone.
I don’t know who to talk to and every day is just so hard.
I feel so alone in the world.
I don’t know who I am any more and I just want to die.
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5 comments
At 12 you are only just starting to ‘know who you are’ – that isn’t a criticism by the way – just a step to acknowledge. It’s a shame your mum stopped taking you to see the psychologist, but she clearly had her reasons, maybe ask her some time – when you are both in a peaceful place and neither of you are stressed (you might find out that was why she stopped – maybe she needs some support too). Do you keep a diary? I always found that writing things down and having a good old rant on paper helped. As for the kids picking on you – why not try this exercise – write a letter too them – but DON’T post it – once written and you are
happy that you have said all you want to say in them – rip it up into small pieces – too small for anyone to see – then chuck them in the trash.
As for your friend – it often happens that when you’re down, you find and befriend other people who are down. This works for a while but inevitably you will drift apart as the reasons for becoming friends (i.e. being down) change. Do you take part in any activities outside of school? As maybe finding a friend with a similar interest to yourself will make things better.
School maybe tough (I hated mine as I was in a different social class to many of them – I was poor – they weren’t) but there are a lot of people in the world … and many are friends just waiting to be found.
All the best 🙂
awkwardgirl you are not alone. You’re not mental and you’re far too young to be even contemplating doing something stupid that will hurt your family forever.
Beginning your teens can be very tough – some of us get a tougher ride than others. I was teased a lot at school too and had bad thoughts at an early age.
I know you’re an intelligent girl, but just felling very upset at the moment. Don’t do anything drastic. Focus on some things that give you joy and forget about everything else for a bit. Life is what we make it.
Your happiness is deep within you. You just have to bring it out. You know who are, you just don’t want to admit who you are. But you have to be truthful to yourself & love & care for YOURSELF. Then you will find peace & happiness. & Please for the sake of yourself stop trying to kill yourself. It is not your time to die, we need you here on earth with us. & I will be your friend , I will always be here for you to talk too. Build up your self-esteem, I bet your just as pretty as you can be, JUST GORGEOUS SWEETIE! So act like it….. -Your Friend TheListner-
It sounds like you would like to go back to the psychologist?
It’s probably a good idea.
Peace
To everyone who has recently commented,
thank you all so much for your help and inspiration! It is so nice to know that there are people in the world who care about me and want to help me.
Things were pretty suckish at school today. At one point in the day I was sitting on the floor in one of the cubicles in the girl’s bathroom and crying. But luckily I am feeling better now!
It is great to feel that people understand how hard it is to try to get through this big long journey we call life, and that they will support me and help me get through it all. As you know, I am beginning to go through the apparently hardest time in my life, and I feel so priveliged to have you all to support me!
I don’t know how long this happiness will last. I don’t know if it will last a minute, a day, a week or a year, but all that matters is that I stay in the moment and enjoy it as much as possible!
Thankyou everyone!