Escaping from this hell hole was the first good thing I’ve done on my own. Going off to college and not having to deal with all this family drama and emotional drain was so good for me. I was finally happy. I was finally care free. I didn’t have to fake being happy anymore. I was happy with who I was, where I came from, and how I was living. I finally got to be free from her stupid rules and her stupid views on life. I was finally free. And I thought that I could go live the rest of my life with barely any contact with her. Just coming to see her and my dad for a week at the max for spring break. And then I could just live how I wanted to at college and take summer classes and work at my job.
But I had to come back. I had to come back just because I got a D and a F. She was fine with letting me stay there until she found out I got a D and a F. But I got 2 Bs and 1 A this semester too. But she’s not happy with that. She just hates the fact that I failed two of my classes. She just sees me as an investment. Something that can produce profit for her later in life. I know that’s what she thinks of me as. And seeing me fail two classes just proves to her that the amount of effort she’s putting into my education, is too much for her. She just sees me as a waste of her money when I can be off at a community college or a small state college close to home where she can keep an eye on me.
She says that she does this so she can improve my future. She says she wants to protect me. She says that she wants me to be better than she was. But how can I be when all I do is listen to whatever the fuck she wants me to do, because if I don’t, then it just starts another fight. And every fight just leaves me so drained, so upset, so depressed that I just want to kill myself. Just grab my belt and hang myself from somewhere. And it’s not even the fact that she’s disappointed or mad. It’s the fact that she’s threatening to take away my freedom, my only link to happiness and life.
As soon as I got home, it was hell for me. The first thing she told me was the rules of the house and how I had to obey them so I can become a regular, normal human being. And when I try to tell her that I’m normal, she just disagrees with me and that just starts another fight. I hate this. I hate being home. And I try to open up to her. I try to see her side. But it’s pointless. Because I’m never going back to college again where I’m tens of thousands of miles away from her. I have to go to college where I have to live with her. And I got tired of doing that during middle school. I’ve already tasted freedom. If she’s gonna take away that, then I might as well just die. I’m not going to be a robot that just listens to her every whim and demand. I’d rather be just another suicidal statistic.
or if only I just had someone to talk to..