Four o’clock in the afternoon and I didn’t feel like very much
I said to myself, ”Where are you golden boy? Where is your famous golden touch?”
I thought you knew where all of the elephants lie down
I thought you were the crown prince of all the wheels in Ivory town
Just take a look at your body now, there’s nothing much to save
And a bitter voice in the mirror cries, ”Hey, prince, you need a shave”
Now if you can manage to get your trembling fingers to behave
Why don’t you try unwrapping a stainless steel razor blade?
That’s right, it’s come to this… Yes, it’s come to this…
And wasn’t it a long way down… Wasn’t it a strange way down…
There’s no hot water and the cold is running thin
Well, what do you expect from the kind of places you’ve been living in?
Don’t drink from that cup, it’s all caked and and cracked along the rim
That’s not the electric light, my friend, that is your vision growing dim
Cover up your face with soap, there, now you’re Santa Claus
And you’ve got a gift for anyone who will give you his applause
I thought you were a racing man, but you couldn’t take the pace
That’s a funeral in the mirror and it’s stopping at your face
That’s right, it’s come to this… Yes, it’s come to this…
And wasn’t it a long way down… Wasn’t it a strange way down…
Once there was a path and a girl with chestnut hair
And you passed the summers picking all of the berries that grew there
There were times she was a woman, there were times she was just a child
And you held her in the shadows, where the raspberries grow wild
And you climbed the twilight mountains and you sang about the view
And everywhere that you wandered, love seemed to go along with you
That’s a hard one to remember, yes, it makes you clench your fist
And then the veins stand out like highways, all along your wrist
And yes, it’s come to this… It’s come to this…
And wasn’t it a long way down… Wasn’t it a strange way down…
You can still find a job, go out and talk to a friend
On the back of every magazine, there are those coupons you can send
Why don’t you join the Rosicrucians? They will give you back your hope…
You can find your love with diagrams on a plain brown envelope
But you’ve used up all your coupons, except the one that seems
To be written on your wrist, along with several thousand dreams
Now Santa Claus comes forward, that’s a razor in his mitt
And he puts on his dark glasses and he shows you where to hit
And then the cameras pan, the stand-in stuntman
Dress rehearsal rag… It’s just the dress rehearsal rag…
You know, this dress rehearsal rag… It’s just a dress rehearsal rag…
In the mood for some Hicks today…
Its 12.30pm on a Tuesday morning, people my age are at work or school doing something meaningful with their lives yet here am I: Lying on my bed with no intention to make today worth it. I don’ t even know how I found the strength to type this. I have a job interview in a couple of hours yet I am wondering if I should go. I feel like doing nothing. Nothing interests me anymore. I have lost my appetite, my eyes are swollen from crying everyday.
2017 was one hell of a year. I graduated from college, I turned 24, got my first car, got a good job. Felt like I had my sh!t together. However I also lost my boyfriend of 3 years. got fired from 4 jobs and after the most recent one, I eventually attempted my first suicide project. I overdosed on a bunch of painkillers but that did not work. It just all came out as my body could not hold it in and I just threw up. For two weeks straight I put my phone off and avoided all human contact. My bestfriend who is in another country sent me a text « If you don’t respond to my messages I will call the cops ». Thats when I decided to use my phone again.
I live alone in Canada, all the few people who care about me are either thousands of miles away or just too distracted with their lives to know that I have been battling depression and anxiety for a long time now. I am a loner: no friends, no partner, no kids. I just feel empty, I don’t see the point to life. I am thinking that even if I had everything in the word I would still feel this way which is why I don’t even want to fight for good things. I did try before though, after my ex, I got into crappy “situationships” just to get some love out of it. I felt like if I was with someone, I would finally be happy but nobody likes a woman who is always sad, complains all the time and who seems desperate for affection. Its like trying to get a job when you have no experience; nobody wants to give you a job because you have no experience but how can you get that experience if no one is willing to hire you? That’s exactly how my life feels. I involuntarily push people away because of my melancolia but technically I need people or (people’s love) in order to get through it.
Being a Christian, the thought of suicide really scares me. If it works I am doomed: I don’t want to burn in hell fire. What good would it be to me to have lived an unpleasant life while alive and still go through same after dying? I want to be happy. If not in this life at least in the next one. Which is why I prayed to God endlessly to kill me Himself like in my sleep or through something really random and unexpected but He never did…. then I made a deal with Him to figure a way to “hide me somewhere” like going to an unknown country starting all over etc.. I don’t necessarily want to die but I want to be far away from everyone, I want to stop feeling like a failure and even when I do, I don’t want them to know about it. However God didn’t take this deal either. Will He be God if someone had the possibility to tell Him what to do? Lol
Another scary thing about suicide is what if it fails? Makes you hate life even more. Like I am thinking of drowning myself. Since I don’t know how to swim, it shouldn’t be too hard. But then again what if I get rescued in time? I will just be a laughing stock for people who know me. I know a lot of people pretend to sympathize with you when you are going through stuff but in reality, they just mock you in their hearts or they simply just don’t care. The people who care are supposed to be my family and friends but how do you explain depression to black people? No offense but most of them (most of us) just don’t get it.
The truth is I feel bad having to worry those who care about me, its easier running away than facing my truth with them. I am tired of being an emotional burden to them & even a financial burden. I was told that suicide is being selfish but I think its actually being very considerate. Is it not better for my folks to feel the pain just once when I die rather than being stressed on a daily basis because I am alive?
Some people go through stuff because: well, “such is life” but almost everything I go through is due to my own stupidity. Its like I don’t think straight. I am so clumsy. I wish I could forgive myself for all those mistakes . Even if I did will I want to start all over? My brain keeps thinking about the exact things which am trying to avoid. I want to shut it up forever. If I don’t, I would probably start using drugs or something and thats exactly what I am trying to avoid. I need a pill (just one or two) which I can take with a glass of wine and just sleep forever. Is that too much to ask?
I wish that I could be reborn in a new body. Cosmetically speaking, I have got to be one of the biggest freaks ever to exist. My body is a lemon. I have hideous body acne almost everywhere – including sometimes on my forearms. I’ve lost some hair. I have hideous teeth (possibly malocclusion). I am 28 years old but look like a puny 14-year-old. I’m also only 5’3.”
Before I continue, I must state that I know that these problems, individually, are not necessarily freakish (aside from forearm acne).
Yes, some people have bad body acne, and I’ve even found some rare examples online of people that do have forearm acne.
Yes, some people lose their hair.
Yes, some people have bad teeth.
Yes, some people look unusually young for their age.
Yes, some people are short, and I honestly stopped caring about being short long ago.
BUT…who has ALL of these deficiencies COMBINED!?
Think about each deficiency individually – and then combine them all – and imagine how such a person would look. Think of all those deficiencies combined. A balding guy with a puny body with acne on the head, face, neck, back, shoulders, chest, and forearms – and with horrible teeth. That’s how I look – or how I’ve feared I’d look – particularly if my hair loss and acne get worse. I even still have the voice of a wimpy 14-year-old kid. It’s like I’m stuck in puberty – only worse because it’s been a more ruthless, aggressive, and freakish form of puberty (acne spreading to forearms) – AND with middle-age problems at the same time (hair loss). It’s like George Costanza said: “I completely skipped healthy adulthood.” But at least George Costanza didn’t look like a punk kid – nor did he have hideous body acne.
Seriously, think about a balding, puny guy with forearm acne. Who would want to be friends with a freak like me? Who would hire a freak like me? Since last year in particular, I’ve considered myself very lucky in that I’ve had great friends – and that I was finally offered some job interviews. But that was THEN. That was just before I started losing my hair. That was before I started getting acne more often on my forearms, hands, and fingers. I looked like a freak before, but at least since I had hair and clean arms, I was at least somewhat acceptible in society. But if my hair loss and acne get significantly worse, who the hell would befriend or hire a balding, puny guy with forearm acne?
As I’ve said before, YES, INDIVIDUALLY, these problems aren’t that big of a deal. BUT I have ALL of them COMBINED, and I know of few or no other people like that.
Yes, there are people with severe cystic body acne, but are they also losing hair? If so, if THAT wasn’t bad enough, do they ALSO look 14? On top of that, do they ALSO have bad teeth – AND are freakishly short? Is there anyone that has ALL of these problems COMBINED? I don’t think so – or at least it’s extremely rare. I am a FREAK.
If it hasn’t been made clear already, the biggest problems for me are my severe body acne, my abnormally youthful appearance, and my hair loss.
I started getting severe cystic acne on my back and face almost exactly 14 years ago. I eventually was put on doxycycline and Accutane – both of which worked until I stopped taking them, and I can’t get back on them since I have no health insurance.
Regardless, one would think that, since I’m well past my teen years – well into my 20s – and almost into my 30s, my acne would have gotten better, right? Wrong. Not only has it not improved (except for my forehead), it’s actually been SPREADING. Yes, my acne is SPREADING at 28 years of age. My body acne, overall, has probably never been worse.
Two years ago, I started getting more severe acne on my chest, and last year, I started getting small but rare pimples on my arms. But earlier this year, my acne got worse. The pimples on my forearms became bigger and more frequent. Not only have I gotten them on my forearms, but I’ve also gotten them on my hands and fingers – albeit less often. But I’ve seen what my acne has done. It very well could get worse. I could end up with severe cystic acne on my forearms, hands, and fingers. Seriously, who’s ever heard of that? Am I really that big of a freak – not only to still get severe body acne at 28 – but to get it in unbelievably rare places?
I’ve seen posts online by people with acne on their forearms and hands, but they’ve often been greeted by naysayers – saying things like, “Are you sure it’s acne?” and “It’s probably keratosis pilaris.” But I really think that I have actual acne on my forearms and hands. I’ve never had any issues with the skin on my forearms and hands before. Also, the pimples aren’t itchy like keratosis pilaris bumps. They honestly seem just like normal acne pimples. Also, the pimples started appearing at the same time that they appeared elsewhere on my body (upper arms, chest, and stomach).
Sometimes, I’ve feared that getting acne on my forearms, hands, and fingers would cause so many social problems for me that I would have to put makeup on my arms, hands, and fingers. Seriously, who the hell has to put makeup on their ARMS!? On top of that, unless I got waterproof makeup, it would wash off anytime I washed my hands – meaning that trying to hide any hand acne would be futile. I’m such a freak.
Similarly, a huge problem for me is that I’m 28 years old but look like I’m 14. I’m not kidding at all. Now, many might say that looking young for one’s age is good, and I agree. The question is – HOW young? I wouldn’t mind looking 20-21 – but not like a puny kid!
I suddenly stopped growing taller when I was 14, and since then, I’ve been 5’3,” and my face and body haven’t widened or matured any since then – aside from getting some facial hair. Almost a decade and a half later, I still look like a puny, dweeby kid at 28. And on top of that, I have hideous acne all over my body – including my forearms and hands. Lovely.
As if THOSE two things weren’t bad enough, to top it all off, since late last year, I’ve lost some hair – though thankfully I haven’t gone totally bald. Most would say, “Big deal. Lots of guys lose hair.” But it IS a big deal due to the context. I ALREADY have hideous body acne in weird places. I ALREADY look like a 14-year-old. So how terrible would it look to be bald on top of that!?
I was freakish enough without hair loss, but at least my full head of hair compensated for everything else. Not anymore. Now, I have yet another deficiency, which for me is ten times worse than on most others since I already have a ridiculously puny, gross body.
Nowadays, many people recommend that those with hair loss shave their heads – and that there are many good-looking, bald celebrities – like Patrick Stewart, Vin Diesel, and Dwayne Johnson. And sure, they look fine bald, but that look doesn’t suit everyone – especially if one has a puny-looking body. Plus, if I shaved my head, then that would expose the cystic acne on the back of my scalp. See that? I can’t do what most NORMAL guys with hair loss do! That shows what a freak I am. As the saying goes, “Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.”
So there you have it. I’m 28 but look like I’m 14, I have hideous acne everywhere, I’ve lost some hair, I have horrible teeth, and I’m only 5’3″. What a catch, right? Seriously, my body is such a piece of shit.
There comes a point when something is so badly screwed up that it’s better to just get rid of it and start over. That’s what I’d love to do with my body. I wish that I could kill myself – and then transfer my consciousness into another body. A new body. A better body. A REAL body – not this piece-of-shit lemon of a body that I was cursed with. One that would actually be strong enough to resist hair loss and acne. One that wouldn’t be pathetic enough to look like a 14-year-old kid. But unfortunately, transferring my consciousness into another, better body probably will not be possible in my lifetime. It really sucks.
In closing, I realize that many have problems worse than mine, but I’ve still felt very frustrated with my body since it’s had the potential to cause social problems. I wish that I could just kill myself and get a new, better body, but I honestly don’t want to kill myself, either, and I hope that my problems will get better.
So, I have self confidence and self esteem issues and I’ve recently been looking for a job. This would be my first professionally employed thing and I can’t seem to gain the confidence to apply anywhere. I’ve managed to ask for applications and fill them out decently with only a few mild anxiety attacks but can never turn them in. A lot of this is centered around a fear of rejection mostly, but I also have problems talking positively about myself or “selling myself” like I would have to in an interview or on applications. I either fill things out as honestly as I feel (Which definitely wouldn’t convince anyone to hire me) or I fill it out like everyone else does “selling themselves” and make it extremely sarcastic without intending to.
I apologize for the long post. My story is summarized in the beginning and end of this post. This post turned out to be long because I felt that it was necessary to explain some aspects of my situation.
I’ve always loved life and feared death, so committing suicide was absolutely unthinkable for me. That changed in early July 2015 – when I finally considered suicide as an option for avoiding homelessness or jail in the future. Originally, any suicide that I might commit would take place after my parents’ deaths – and when I had no income and faced homelessness, which I estimated to be 10-15 years in the future. However, since attending a court date yesterday morning, and fearing that I would be issued an impossible probation condition, I’ve feared that I might have to commit suicide within weeks or months – rather than years as I originally “planned.”
I should probably explain how I ended up being open to suicide in the first place. It all started almost one year ago when I was arrested for domestic violence, and I spent a day in jail before being bailed out. My stay in jail was absolutely traumatic for me – especially in the holding cell. I couldn’t do anything except sit and pace the floor. It was so incredibly boring, and I had to sit there so long. It was agonizing. I told myself that I never wanted to return to jail again.
That mindset helped open the door to suicide about a month later. For years, I’ve feared that I would ultimately be homeless because I’ve had a seemingly hard time getting jobs – or even interviews. One day, I realized that, without my parents’ support, I was screwed. Seven years had passed since I graduated high school, and I estimated that my parents would be around for another 10-15 years. That might have seemed like a lot of time, but it wasn’t – considering how fast my years since high school passed. I feared that I would still be unable to find work – and that I would end up homeless, and then, I would go to jail for being homeless. I would be caught in an endless cycle because I would still fail to find work, resulting in me being homeless again, and then, resulting in me going to jail again. And after my experience in jail, I did not want to go back. Therefore, I wanted to avoid it by any means necessary – even if it meant suicide.
I wanted to die happy – and on my terms. I wanted to die – surrounded by my nice, comfortable home – not being anxious and rotting in a jail cell. Therefore, I wanted to preempt any arrest with suicide.
Eventually, I had plans in place that would hopefully help me avoid – or delay – homelessness and suicide. However, I began worrying about my domestic violence case – fearing probation. I feared it for two reasons: a potential no-contact order and being unable to find employment.
I feared that the no-contact order issued in my bond would be continued during probation (rather than reduced to a no-harassment order), and therefore, I couldn’t return home for a year. None of my friends live in the same county as me anymore, so I couldn’t stay with a friend during probation. While I was able to live out-of-county on bond, I might not be able to do so on probation. If I were to stay with a friend in another county during probation, I fear that I would have to prove actual residency there, which would be hard – if not impossible – for me to do so – seeing as how I currently have no job and can’t own or rent my own home, don’t have any regular bills, etc.
I also greatly feared the probation condition that I would have to find employment. While I was glad that the condition said “Work faithfully at suitable employment INSOFAR AS MAY BE POSSIBLE,” and while my public defender said that I could attend school as an alternative, I’ve feared that a probation officer might not share the same view – and insist that I find work – and would then violate me despite my best efforts to find work. I’ve feared that my probation would be extended indefinitely until I found work, and I’ve doubted that I would, so I would be on probation for years until I finally spent the maximum time in jail for my offense after being locked up for numerous probation violations. But I fear that, by then, my family might be gone, and I would end up facing homelessness – and would go back to jail on another charge.
Recently, I had been more at ease about my case. Both my public defender and the victim advocate said that I would be allowed to return home as long as I didn’t have violent or harassing contact, and early yesterday morning, after looking at other cases with as many as 4-5 probation violations online, it didn’t seem that most of the sentences were extended. So I finally started to feel more at ease about probation. I started to think that maybe I wouldn’t be on probation forever.
But then, only hours later, I began worrying about probation again – for a much more serious reason, which I had put to bed long ago. Yesterday, I went to a calendar call and entered the courtroom as the judge was sentencing someone. Unfortunately, I don’t know the details of the case, but it seemed that the person might have been sentenced for drugs and/or shoplifting. The judge said that the person was to have no contact with Walmart – and then ordered him to be taken into custody.
That spooked the hell out of me. I was under the impression that, for misdemeanor violence cases, the courts might be able to only issue no harassment orders as a probation condition. I thought this because, on my sentence recommendation sheet, there were several sentencing options available – many of which weren’t applicable to my case, so I assumed that it was a standard sheet used in all misdemeanor cases. “No violent or harassing contact” was the only option that I saw. So why the judge issued a seemingly total “no-contact” order baffled me. Maybe the judge was just speaking simply – or maybe there was another sheet used for sentencing shoplifters (which I suspected he was since he was to have no contact with Walmart). But, after doing some research, I didn’t think that there were necessarily any different sentencing sheets. The judge issued a total no-contact order against a person even though it wasn’t an option on the sentencing sheet.
That made me fear that, even though the public defender and victim advocate said that I could return home as long as I was non-violent, the judge might issue a total no-contact order against me, anyway, and then, I would be flat-out screwed because, as I said, I have nowhere else to stay in the sentencing county, and if I stayed with friends, then I might have to prove actual residency there during probation. Granted, I don’t actually know that any of this is true, but I’m paranoid because, since I have no income, I’m helpless. I’d be forced into homelessness or violating probation, and I’d have to go to jail – the one place that I never wanted to return.
Ever since that calendar call yesterday morning, I’ve been worried that my probation would be tougher than I anticipated. Although I had kept suicide as an option for the distant future, I realized that, in order to avoid problems with the court, I might have to commit suicide much earlier – potentially within weeks or months. Worst of all is that I have many stories, drawings, and other projects that are unfinished, and thanks to this court case, I might not be able to finish them.
I don’t want to commit suicide, but I am prepared to do so if necessary – as much as I would hate it. I did not want my life to turn to this, but my life was ruined the minute that I was arrested.
To summarize, the main reasons why I am open to suicide are my fears of homelessness and jail. On the other hand, I have other issues that are secondary reasons for committing suicide. They include my lack of ability to find work, my short stature and baby face, my ugly teeth, and my horrible body acne (which I’ve had for almost 13 years and has recently started to spread to my arms and legs of all places).
Maybe if I commit suicide, I can be reborn as someone who is employable, and I can get rid of my crappy body and be reborn in one actually strong enough to resist acne.
I’m not impulsive, but I will commit suicide if I have to in order to avoid harassment from the court. It’s like euthanizing an old, dying dog. Why not put it out of its misery while it’s still relatively healthy – than wait until it’s so miserable that it can’t die in happiness? Still, I want to avoid suicide and hope that my situation works out.
I keep thinking about what I might’ve done in my past to deserve a life like this, and I realized that I screwed up alot, nothing really intentionally. So by my account I should be even with the house, debt paid in full. It seems that not the case, so now I’m beginning to wonder if this is just the hand I’ve been dealt and I just gotta play it out ??? Like I said, I’m no angel but as an adult I’ve grown and always tried to learn from my mistakes, I try to help, and give, to live right. I’ve always stayed faithful, and to an extent I still am. I keep going back to the BIBLE and to the book of JOB. and wonder where my rewards might be ??? I know I can’t be alone in feeling this way. Again being here and reading everybody’s post has opened my eyes to alot of things, One of them and the most important thing, I’m not alone in this, there’s so many people that are dealing with the same things, and as heartbreaking as that is, it’s even more heartwarming to see a family that have never met each other, be there for each other, and I have to say thank you, maybe this is part of my rewards.
I guess im using this site as a kind of diary…for rants…rant diary…heh
So last August/September my boss said it was getting hard for him to pay me because of taxes etc and asked if I’d be ok with getting paid off the books. I said sure, if it’d make things easier for him. I just wanted to keep my job and he said he’d keep paying me the minimum wage.
Some personal shit happened in October with one of my coworkers, she went around telling people that I was planning to murder my boyfriend and called the police on me, then started antagonizing me at work. Long story short, she up and quit on my birthday without warning so that she could screw me over. And of course I did get screwed.
My boss decided that he “didn’t want to train anyone”, so he didn’t hire any other workers. So there was me, my one coworker, and him working there. He also decided that since he wasn’t going to hire anyone, that meant he’d have to work 5 days a week. He then changed the schedule so that I’d have to work. Every. Night.
When I first started working there, he had agreed to having me only work in the mornings because I lived almost an hour away and there was someone to cover the night shift at the time.
So I was stuck working at night and having my parents come get me at 9:30 everynight. I thought hey, he’ll hire someone soon, then I can work mornings again. That never happened.
Then right before christmas, my one coworker left for her vacation. Her 3 week long vacation. Of course, we had no one to take her shifts, so I had to work literally 8-10 hours everyday. Sorry, every night. For 3 weeks straight. And of course, the store had holiday hours, so instead it closing at 9, I had to stay open until 10. I got home at almost midnight for the majority of those 3 weeks because of traffic.
When I got my paycheck for those weeks, turns out I didn’t get over time pay. Also turned out, he wasn’t paying me the minimum wage, like he had agreed. He tried to tell me that I miscalculated or some crap like that. Oh my god, I was so mad. But I had to keep working there, I’m really awkward with strangers, so I always get really nervous at interviews and screw up. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to find another job.
Then March comes around. I have some minor health problems that occasionally cause severe nausea and sometimes vomiting, so about once a month tops, I call in sick. So I had called in sick on March 7, and that night I heard on the news that the primaries for the presidential election was the next night. Meaning if I went to work, I wouldn’t be able to vote. So I called my boss and asked to work the morning shift instead because I was going to go vote. He refused and then got very upset. Saying things like I call in sick too much, was I ever actually sick when I missed work, I “get away with alot of shit”, and then him asking me if there was actually an election. I mean, he literally asked me to send him a picture of their website so he could see the schedule for the voting times.
I just hung up on him and texted him the next morning thay I quit and I’d be there that weekend to pick up my paycheck.
I had left some personal belongings at my work, and when I got there that weekend to get them, they were almost all either gone or destroyed. I had a small sketch book with some drawings, my boss had gone into it and tore it all up. I also had a note pad, which my coworker had found in his personal office. And of course, he didn’t leave my paycheck. I left my address for him to mail it to me, and of course I still haven’t received it.
So the lesson of this story boys and girls: If your boss asks to pay you under the table and gives you a sob story, don’t fuckin listen LOL. You will be fucked over.
And the lesson I’m gonna teach this asshole is: you fuck with your off-the-books employees, and they’ll report you to the IRS, board of health, and the labor board. Hope you like being poor mother fucker, cuz from the IRS alone you’ll be facing fines of up to $100grand. Suck my metaphorical cock you fat ugly piece of shit. I swear to god, if I knew I wouldn’t get caught, I’d kick the shit out of him. Not kill him, just. Just beat the living shit out of him.
It’s not good to get really angry when youre an emotionally empty shell. The anger just kinda takes over. Good thing I have some self control, I guess.
And if anyone’s actually read this, I’m sorry for taking up your time. And you must be very bored lol.
Searching for jobs is basically a combination of a lot of the things I hate most about life. Being rejected over and over. Being judged constantly. Fighting social phobia to contact people you haven’t seen or talked to in years, asking for introductions to other strangers. Trying to fake a smile and fake a sense of confidence, particularly after having been rejected over and over. Reading job descriptions and feeling more and more depressed at all of the desired qualifications and experience I don’t have. Sending resumes out into what feels like a yawning void.
Ironically, I’ve had a few people contacting me about job openings that are basically the same as the one that contributed to my current burnout, and in the same location where I’ve been circling the drain for years. I can’t do that. The thing is, I don’t know whether there’s any particular job I actually do want. And after my last job there are a lot of things I’d probably be considered overqualified for.
And yeah, if Hell is real and I end up going there, I’ll probably be spending most days sending out cover letters to demons and interviewing with the Devil.
“And he sat all that day, and he kept the egg warm. And he sat all that night through a terrible storm…” (Horton Hatches the Egg by Dr. Seuss) bahaha. It gets me every time. How many have worn his same expression? Have had life run us instead of us running it? Although in the end Horton is rewarded for his faithfulness and integrity, truth be told many of us come to find that “Job” (Job 1-22 the Bible) is simply cursed and the sufferments were for naught. I read about Dr. Phils “Evil 8s” and it dawned on me this is myraid depressed person’s problems. Horton’s problem was Maysie bird, Job’s problem was (parabolically speaking) the Higher Power and Satan. If we repress our true identity and ideals to make others happy, if we dont retaliate against persons that are in the way of our well being we will be like Horton and Job without the happy ending of a life partner/helper or inner peace/gratitude come what may. I’m sure Maysie bird knows where the orphanage is and am sure “god” and Satan can hear your stance to settle their wager for how faithfull you are in a different manner.
But be heard…never swallow your pride, because without it you become a carpet everyone walks on. It’s not worth it to be polite, I’ve done it and yes it leads to denying your needs and wants to be approved by others. “Good people are like candles, they burn themselves up to give light to others.” Don’t burn all the way however, why give with an uncheerful heart anyway, be yourself and don’t wear a mask. Let’s start being honest. If Amy doesn’t want to go to the dance with you but does it out of pity wouldn’t you much rather appreciate her honesty so you can go with someone that actually enjoys your company? Don’t worry of hurting others, you can be polite of how you say something but never don’t say it, because you are either leading someone on by denying your true intentions or you are forcing good will when you don’t have it…which creates bitterness/resentment instead of happiness and satisfaction.
“Stand up for your beliefs even if you stand alone.” Each of us mature at different stages, if Abe says to Dan he doesn’t want to date just get freaky in bed, should Dan feel predisposed to slap him, cry all summer vacation and throw in the towel in dating? No, Abe was being honest so Dan should be grateful he didn’t hide his intentions like many do just to get in bed with someone and had forced their good will to take you on dates for months when they really hated it and you.
This following quote described what I learned to do after years of taking off my masks and knowing who the “Evil 8s” were in my life or I in theirs, and removing their presence to start living how I’d like regardless of their lingering or not and above all to be truthfull even if it hurts because living a lie damages most. After all lashes from a friend are better than kisses from the enemy which you become when you wear a mask to please others. I know there are instances like your mom on her death bed and you don’t want to confess you have no desire to run her dog grooming business or sensitive stuff like that in which health and income are keeping your tounge tied but just remember what’s hidden in darkness comes to light and you must realize this…to be happy again…
Not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly. Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to our being simply because their needs and way of existing in the world force us to compromise ourselves and our hapiness. They aren’t inherently bad people, but they arn’t the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go. Life is hard enough being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can’t destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. You have to make your well-being a priority. Whether that means breaking up with someone you care about, loving a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful – you have every right to leave and create a safer space for yourself.
Sorry if I ramble, or have half thoughts in here. I’m bad about jumbling things. But I just need to vent/rant.
So. I’m an accountant at a little accounting firm in my town. I’ve been working here since January and I graduated college last December, so they hired the biggest newbie, but they’re desperate for employees.
At first, I loved my job. I loved working during tax season and getting all this new real-life experience. I love doing payrolls and the sales tax. Also, I’m pretty nosy and like seeing confidential information in peoples’ personal lives (and I love being trusted to keep this information a secret). I
loved my job until about a month ago.
It feels like a lump, a big lump of nothing and everything stuck in my throat. Every moment I am at work I crave to be away. I studied and worked hard in the past and saw myself earning 2 degrees, however through some cosmic fuck up I’m here. I sit and hope and pray and beg for some relief from this madness. Every morning I wake up and force myself out of bed, I cry thinking of what the day will be like. I used to be so passionate about so many things but now all I see myself doing is earning a pay check to survive and not to have huge gap in my CV. No job has made me feel like taking my life but I just crave sweet relief. My mood is affecting my work which my boss has brought up with me and has me worrying about being fired. I keep applying for jobs but never get a call back. I fear my life is in a state of limbo and I beg for either one to end.
Life is boring , boring life. why movies, games, anime/manga, & fantasy/imagination is better than life / real life / real world / reality ?
life is boring , boring life. why movies , games , anime / manga, & fantasy / imagination is better than life / real life / real world / reality ?
everyday life is the same : wake up, eat, go to school/work, boring, then go back home, eat, then sleep, then repeat again.
but movie / game / anime / manga / comics / books are much more exciting & interesting than this boring life !
for example: like in the world / universe of Harry Potter, Avatar, Lord of the Rings, Narnia, Marvel / Marvels, Avengers, X-Men, Divergent / Insurgent , Star Wars, The Hobbits, The Matrix, Sword Art Online (SAO), Skyrim, Log Horizon, Naruto, One Piece, Bleach, DOTA, Assassin’s Creed, etc etc
but in real life / real world / reality everything is only all about money
& also shallow, superficial, stupid / dumb things like sex, party / partying , fight over religions, race, ethnicity, & even small little unimportant things ! god I swear that I hate people / humans / humanity sometimes !
anyone also feel the same ? anyone can relate ?
(PS: have you heard of things like Virtual Reality (VR), Oculus Rift, and then also Lucid Dreaming / Lucid Dream , Astral Projection, Out of Body (OBE) experiences ? .. I wish those things are real, so I can escape this boring life ! )
I’m a loser , I am a loser in this cruel boring LIMITED real world , reality , real life .. !
I am a 33 years old Asian guy, who used to have so many beautiful hope & dreams ,
and many people have told me that I’m a smart, multi talent , very creative, & wise person
but now the more I see this cursed world, people, humans beings, and this reality, the more I lose hope in humanity , losing hope in human beings, and also lose hope in myself & my future
you see ,.. Reality / real world / real life is cruel, harsh, boring, and LIMITED in so many ways/aspects !
human’s IMAGINATION like movie / movies , novels , comics, video games , books , music , anime / manga etc etc , human’s IMAGINATIONS are much more interesting & full of UNLIMITED / LIMITLESS possibilities than this boring reality / real-world / real-life !
Sadly/unfortunately , not many people , even perhaps only very FEW people who can eventually/finally be really honest and admit that there are so many LIMITATIONS living in real world / real life / reality , that can easily crush our dreams , hopes, wish, and childhood / childlike wonders .. !
For example : sometimes we took the WRONG choice / path in life , but the mistake / error was too fatal , that everything is TOO LATE now ! and we can’t climb the ladder of success anymore .. ! We then can only keep failing & falling , Nobody wants us for jobs / career , being judged harshly by people / human beings , and eventually , we become the LOSER / FAILURE ! How many stories of depressed / depression and suicidal / suicides we have listened because of this ? probably quite a LOT , if we don’t close our eyes / ears and be very HONEST & open-minded & have real empathy .. !
But most people / most human beings are stupid , most humans are stupid / dumb / idiot , and they still HOPE / DREAM / WISH and BELIEVE that they still can succeed , be a successful person with lots of Money , become famous , reach their dreams, etc etc ,.. while the REALITY / this real life / this real world often is harsh, cruel, and RANDOM!!!
Some people , some of us, can have tragedy after tragedy , misfortune after misfortune that keep coming to our life, NO MATTER even if we have “work hard” , etc etc !! REAL LIFE IS NOT LIKE MOVIES OR VIDEO GAMES OR COMICS BOOKS ! it’s sad but true reality .. !!
Also, I have finally observed and I see that people / human beings / humanity is HOPELESS !
We keep going into war , we like to destroy each other, hate each other (instead of helping each other) , destroy the planet, destroy mother nature / nature , animals , plants , kill , rape , judge each other ENDLESSLY by race, religion, money, social status, rich or poor, education or work background, and many other shallow, superficial things .. !
I lost hope in Humanity , I lose hope in humanity , I lost hope in human beings , I lose hope in human beings !
Movie / movies , novels , comics, video games , books , music , anime / manga is much more interesting & full of UNLIMITED / LIMITLESS possibilities than this boring reality / real-world / real-life !!! (example: Harry Potter world, Star Wars , Lord of the Rings , Star Trek , Marvels , X-Men , Sword Art Online , Log Horizon , Naruto , Bleach, One Piece, Final Fantasy , Skyrim , Kingdom Hearts , TRON , Narnia , Matrix , Avatar , etc etc .. !! )
Have any of you heard of Virtual Reality (VR) technology like Oculus Rift , also Lucid Dreams / Lucid Dreaming , Astral Projection / Astral Travel ? … I wish / I hope all those things are really REAL , so I can enter into another world / dimension / universe / realm of IMAGINATIONS , fantasy, dreams ,… and bye bye boring harsh cruel reality / real world / real life .. !!
Or ,.. if those things are not real , then perhaps suicide / die is better than to keep living / live in this cursed world full of stupid , obnoxious , shallow, superficial, idiot, boring, mundane, dull, ignorant, and hopeless people / humans beings .. !!
fuck reality , fuck real life , fuck real world ,
reality suck , reality sucks ; real life suck, real-life sucks ; real world suck, real-world sucks !
fuck people , people suck , people sucks ! human beings sucks , I lose / lost hope in human beings , I lose / lost hope in Humanity / Mankind species .. !!
I’m a loser , I am a loser in this real world / real life / reality , so should I just kill myself & commit suicide ?
Life is empty & meaningless, without any/no purpose, Life is boring, empty! There is no meaning of life! fuck life, fuck reality !
Life is empty & meaningless, without any/no purpose, Life is boring, empty! There is no meaning of life! fuck life, fuck reality !
The more I grow up & learn after all these 32 years of my life, sadly, the more I feel hopeless especially for humanity / our humans species!
MAJORITY of people / humans beings / humanity are so damn shallow, superficial, vain, ignorant, stupid, fake, dirty, liars, etc etc.
I used to have so much HOPE for humanity , but now the hope is dwindling until it’s almost none !!
MOST people are sadly only concerned with vain, shallow, mundane “daily-life” & little things like their appearances, shopping, party, selfies / selca, narcissistic, talking about the most mundane, shallow, boring, & useless things/topics like celebrity/celebrities gossips, how to get rich or famous, boring jobs, how to make more & more money (& profits), funny yet shallow, stupid things or events, conflicts & fights over petty little meaningless little things, etc etc ! THE LIST OF HUMAN’S STUPIDITY GOES ON & ON & ON !!!
Sadly/unfortunately, in my life, I’ve only found just a VERY FEW humans / people who are quite deep, introspective, smart, thoughtful, very creative, wise, & interesting … but sadly, these people are often unheard or unseen in the mainstream society… and sadly again, many of these people are often (naturally, & obviously..!) depressed, and even suicidal , when they see their surroundings / 99% of human beings/humanity/people in this planet are basically stupid fake shallow mundane trash , and so that usually they have NO choice (or very little/few choice) other than “follow the rules” / “if you can’t beat them, then join them” of the stupid ‘mainstream’ society EVERYDAY !!! whether it’s jobs, socializing, social life, family life, etc etc !
I always think & feel deeply that human beings actually have A LOT of ‘hidden’ potentials … !
We STILL have some GENUINE human qualities such as: Creativity, Thoughtful, Wisdom, Consciousness, Ideas, Dreams, Imagination, etc etc
but seriously,… I don’t know exactly what has really happened, that nowadays it’s so damn hard to even find human beings or people that still have those qualities .. !!
the REALITY is so hopeless, helpless, and I feel that I’m just way too small/insignificant that I can’t do ANYTHING about all of this … !!!!
Even my IMAGINATIONS & DREAMS are far much more interesting & better than reality / this real life / real world !!!
fuck all of this! fuck this life! fuck reality! fuck real life! fuck real world! and fuck people / fuck humans / fuck humanity !!!!!!
Life is not fair / unfair. there is always winners & losers. I’m a loser, so why can’t I / losers just commit suicide?
Life is not fair.
Life is unfair.
there is always winners & losers.
there will always be winner & loser.
so why can’t I / losers just commit suicide?
rather than they keep living chasing & fixing all their way too many losses, which is probably too late anyway too.
and usually losers can’t win / can never win against winners anyway .. even the “start” is already too late!!
This is the harsh truth / fact / reality .
Reality / Real life / Real world is very LIMITING / LIMITED in what we can & can’t do !
We are limited by money (rich and poor), resources, status, many other superficial & shallow things & rules and expectations in society, times & places, chances / opportunities, strings of bad luck (or lucks / lucky), and also people who don’t like us and will cheat/trick, abuse, & even trample & glad/happy to see us fall down / going down & crushed & broken !
Our IMAGINATION & FANTASY & DREAMS is always much better than reality / real life / real world !
Reality is LIMITED / LIMITING ! and in Reality, we can’t always get what we want / dream / hope / expect / wish for / imagine / fantasize.
Real life is LIMITED / LIMITING ! and in Real-life , we can’t always get what we want / dream / hope / expect / wish for / imagine / fantasize.
Real world is LIMITED / LIMITING ! and in Real-world, we can’t always get what we want / dream / hope / expect / wish for / imagine / fantasize.
“Sometimes people don’t want to hear the truth because they don’t want their illusions destroyed.”
- – Friedrich Nietzsche
I’m a loser, so why can’t I / losers just commit suicide?
I’m tired of this life / reality.
Imagination better than reality? Why Imagination is better than reality? Why is Imagination better than reality?
Why Imagination is better than reality?
Why is Imagination better than reality?
Why is fantasy better than reality? Why fantasy is better than reality?
What puzzles me the most is human’s mind / human’s brains and imagination better than reality / human’s fantasy is better than reality.
just look at the movies, novels, comics, games, books, , animations (anime / manga), science fiction (sci-fi), fantasy , like Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Narnia, Final Fantasy, Kingdom Hearts, Swords Art Online, Interstellar, etc etc, they are much more interesting, full of POSSIBILITIES & varieties / variations, and better than reality / BORING reality / real life / real world !
Our everyday’s Reality / real-life / real-world is boring, mundane, dull, LIMITED / full of LIMITATIONS, and often we fantasize / fantasy I wish I live in the movies, video games, novels, comics, books, anime / manga, etc etc , than this Reality / real life / real world !
Why imagination better than reality?
Why imagination is better than reality?
Why fantasy is better than reality ?
Why our human’s BRAIN / human’s MIND and human’s IMAGINATION is better than boring REALITY ??
WHY ?? …
(PS: I need SERIOUS and detailed answers. not stupid, ignorant answers. thank you).
(PSS: also, how many of you here also have heard about: Virtual Reality (VR) , Lucid Dreaming , Astral Projection ? I hope they are real, so I can leave this boring reality / reallife / realworld & enter worlds/universes of IMAGINATIONS .. ! )
overview, i’m leaving out a lot of stuff. sorry if it’s dumb and sorry for my grammar errors:
i’ve worked at two callcenters and two help desks for the past two years. when working at a tech support/customer service telecom call center i was always told help desks where what you would find at the end of the phone answering rainbow: the workload is lighter and callers are company employees, so they must know how to do their jobs and probably have legitimate IT questions….. they’re the same and that’s bullshit.
i think it’s hella dehumanizing having to answer phones for 9+ hrs straight day in day out answering redundant repetitive questions from abusive whiny adult children who can barely grasp the concept of maximizing a window and then yell at you because it’s obviously your fault they’re so painfully stupid and just filled their company computer with malware from watching porn on it or downloading a sketchy solitaire game for their ugly grandkid or whatever stupid shit users do.
common sense, self sufficiency and accountability are unheard of at the help desk (or call-center for that matter: same shit, different toilet) when it comes to users. except when it’s you, the tier 1 agent. if you fuck up due to poor training, lack of tools or wrong information provided by a user (which is mostly the case!), it is completely on you and you should have asked more ~probing questions~ (whatever the fuck that means). and sometimes you’re blamed for other coworkers fuck ups too!
my commute is 4 hrs long- total. i have to cross the whole city to get to my job i hate and back. i have a ride but the problem is i have to cross half the city to reach it and if i miss it, i have to get there by public transportation and since my office is located in one of the most affluent areas in the metropolitan area, you can bet your ass there’s no subway. there’s like two bus routes tops and none comes or goes even remotely close from/to my place so it’s safe to say it’s pretty much inaccessible for non-drivers.
i also feel i have no autonomy over myself or what i do with body even. i’m tied to my phone. every single move i make is closely monitored and bound by whatever the end user wants at that moment; i even have to ask for permission to attend my bodily needs. i mean, i’d like to think that as an adult i get to choose when to take a shit or not…. however all these impossible-to-reach SLA goals set by clients result in management -in an attempt of keeping their jobs- becoming nannies. if the operation requires it, i have to hold my pee for whatever time i take talking to a user and whatever time it takes to clear the queue afterwards. every break second is greedily counted and checked on; if you overspend your break minutes it reflects on your performance metrics at the end of the month which can account for a reprimand or a sanction. funny thing is, if i overstay my shift and lose my ride home in case some asshole user calls a minute before i leave, i don’t get overtime pay which is completely idiotic and only makes sense in whatever dimension these hellholes come from
all my coworkers, despite recognizing all in unison that they hate their jobs seem to navigate through life seemingly unaffected by it after they punch out tho. i don’t. this shitty ass job has seeped into every aspect of my personal life. i’m completely burnt out and fed up, i’ve become hella aggressive to people i know and care for, my friends can’t stand my constant whining and perennial bad mood. i have stopped seeing them. i’m always physically sick and can’t seem to get any better like ever.
most the people i know tell me to quit just like that. what they don’t understand is that i have few to no options. I live by myself, my bills ain’t gonna pay themselves, i haven’t finished high school and don’t have time to finish a ged or whatever due to my wasting my whole day working+commuting…. and my parents sorta hate me and don’t give me any sort of financial aid so i’m pretty much fucked. some of my friends are the most insufferable and obtuse petit bourgeois. no joke, they’re almost full grown adults and still live at home leeching off their parents with the justification of going to college while failing more than half their classes. i guess that’s why they come up with such unrealistic and borderline idiotic advice. i also guess part of why i feel so shitty about my job is because i was once part of that upper middle class privileged circle and due to my poor reasoning and decision making, i kinda fell out of that and therefore lost the opportunity and freedom to actually choose what i wanted with my life.
what’s gotten me the most though is that i no longer find pleasure in anything i used to. i used to enjoy drawing and wanted to study art but i fucking hate it now that i’ve come to the realization that i’m just not that good at it even if i repeat each drawing 6+ times. i’m never satisfied with anything i draw because i have the masochistic tendency of comparing myself to others and i overpush myself until i finally give up exhausted. maybe i’m too hard on myself but a lot of my acquaintances and friends make art as an occupation and they do it so naturally and so carefree and yet they overshadow me so easily. i used to also want to study history or something similar but i’ve also realized i’m kinda stupid and illiterate so i will either a) not finish , b) not do anything productive or worthwhile with my degree (if ever do get it, of course).
feeling shitty is not like a new thing to me or something that caught me off guard or anything. i’ve never had a happy semblance and i’ve always been sort of a debby downer, but at least i didn’t want to off myself until now because now i’m an adult and i’m all by myself and count with no outside help and i’m scared of not being able to leave this shithole excuse for a job ever.