i have no words…

I’m sorry to hear you feel that way.. I’ve been there, so often.. Therapy helped a fair amount for me, though I was so scared, it took me about 3 years to get up enough courage to do it. After I went, I was still scared to trust for my first few apointments. Eventually, I opened up, and i got a lot of good advice. If you haven’t tried it, I think it’s defanitly worth a try. I mean, what have you got to lose? You’re already contemplating suicide. Sometimes exercise can help, endorphins are wonderful. However, while these can help, if your underlying condition is chemical, medications may need to be an option. I tried everything I could first.

While it did help somewhat, I have chemical depression. I kept randomly passing out, feeling like I had heatstroke and waking up covered in vomit, and unfourtunately other body fluid. After seeing several doctors for several years, getting a LOT of tests done and seeing a neurologist… Nothing. But, eventually, 7 years later, I was diagnosed with neurocardiogenic syncopy (fancy term for, my brain messes up the signals to my heart, causing it to beat extremely fast, or sometimes, extremely slow, making me pass out with heart attack and heatstroke symptoms) which was caused by… A lack of seritonin in my brain. Which, loe and behold, also causes some pretty intense depression. Ding Ding!! I’m on meds now, and while it doesnt completely solve the depression, I’m no longer passing out, and I can cope with life without as much struggle. I never new life didn’t have to be so exausting, until I went on medication. Then, I felt, WOW! If this is how “normal” people feel, no WONDER they couldn’t understand what was wrong with me!!
getting assistance doesn’t mean you are weat, or less of a person. It means you are taking control of your life, and hopefully, with time, it will be YOU life again. You can live it, instead of just enduring it.
Hugs