I’m sat in bed, crying. I feel pathetic even writing this but I have nowhere else to go. My mum just took me out to go to B&Q with her. On the way I said ‘I would like to go home.’ She pulled up and asked me why. I said ‘I don’t know what I want to do because I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to be here.’
She took me home. On the way I asked her if she was currently suicidal, she said no but she had been not too long ago. I said, ‘Next time you feel that way maybe you should do it because then I can kill my brother and then myself then we will all be happy, the only thing stopping me from killing my brother is how you would feel.’
She asked me why I wanted to kill my brother, I was shocked. I said, ‘Because he is a pedophile (he sexually abused my two younger siblings for three years), I was made to live with him after I told everyone what had been happening, I was scared of him (I didn’t know what he was capable of anymore), even now he still hits and kicks me badly, he chases me out of the house and then locks me out for hours and hours….
There’s more but I guess the real answer was that I don’t want to kill him, I want to torture him. I want him to feel a bit of the pain I am feeling right now. He has aspergers, despraxia, tourettes and ADHD. He doesn’t feel sorry for what he did and feels his name on a sex offenders register and a year tag was all he needed. My mum tells him he did nothing wrong and makes me feel guilty for hating him. He says he doesn’t like me. My little brother (now 15, abused by my brother) is surprised I haven’t killed him yet.
I hate the people I live with, the rest of my family who deserted me, and my friends who lead pathetic lives based around ‘Justin Bieber’ or ‘clothes’. I just want to be alone, should I do it this week?
1 comment
I say this for you because there is no excuse for ever physically violating or harming another person against their will. You will feel however you choose, and I am not trying to make little of the hurt. I can’t imagine. What I would say for your own peace of mind is that forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different. So it happened, and you’re being angry is like you drinking poison expecting your brother to die. Does that excuse the act…absolutely not…but for you to continue with some kind of peace for yourself…(not because I or anyone else says so) I would consider pondering those two things…forgiveness and the anger. They are for your benefit and no one else. Take care.