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Loveless and Empty

by Astrid

I am not looking for help, for words of pity. Nor do I want to be lied about a diety that “loves me” and has a plan for me. I have a plan: end my life.
I have not found the right method and appropriate time to end my mysery. Reason? I am sick of getting rejected time after time after time. If someone was to observe my life from utside in a thumbnail, they would think my life is enviable. I get to travel around the world, have a decent salary, get to spoil myself doing whatever I want. Right.
I am 31 years old and I have yet to have a real relationship with anyone. I am hopelessly romantic and all my life I’ve longed to be in love with someone who loves me back! Life has not EVER given me a break when it comes to love. My love life is unbelievably pattetic and laughable. The funny part is that I am constantly told that I am such a great catch: strong and beautiful and smart woman who has endured so many challenges in life.
Well, I have a soft spot. I do not believe there will be anybody for me anymore. Of course I get hit on, but I do not like any of them (and that is 2 or 3) I came to believe that maybe I was cursed because the things that happen to me that screw up any possible chance to be with the person I love.
I can’t really think straight right now but I felt I needed to vent a little.
For a while, a tried to convince myself that I did not need anybody in my life to fullfill it– and that is true. No one can make you happy but yourself. However, this mantra does not apply when you are hopelessly romantic and sexual and there is nobody around. I also tried for a while to just “enjoy the moment” and simply have sex with no strings and no feelings attached, but I wasn’t even successful at that!! I even get rejected by losers! This is crazy…. ! I am not a weird person. I do not do psycho things to them at all. I do not understand what is going on. I give up.

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9 comments

the Guardian 5/2/2012 - 9:28 am

Ok,
Let’s go back to the beginning.

What kind of guy do you want?
What do you mean you have a soft spot?
Are you suicidal?

Peace

Dawg 5/2/2012 - 12:07 pm

you sound like the type of woman many men would want. something is missing from this story. i do, however, get a chuckle out of you not believing in a deity yet entertaining the possibility of being cursed – subtle humor is funny – I hope it was intended.

There’s someone for everyone – I truly believe that. i have found the harder I try to “find” someone, the less likely I am to actually find someone – but when I focus on anything besides companionship and relationships … POOF … there she is.

in other words the harder you try the more you fail … when you least expect it, expect it

but that’s me …

available dawg

White Angel 5/2/2012 - 12:52 pm

It’s just not the time yet. There is someone out there for just for you. Just because they havent come yet doesn’t mean they won’t ever. You sound like a very sucessful women and you have alot going for yourself, and even though you think you’re a hopeless romantic adn you’re sexually and there no one around focus on something else, do something you’ve never done before take chances. Don’t take your life as an easy way out. Think of this as a challenge, an obstacle to overcome in your life. Your still young and have alot of time left in your life for a relationship.

Duke of Marmalade 5/2/2012 - 1:23 pm

I am exactly like you, but a man. Anyway, that’s no reason to commit suicide.

Duke of Marmalade 5/3/2012 - 4:59 am

Your a bit older than me but if I lived near you I would take you out for a drink. Definitely.

Astrid 5/3/2012 - 11:46 pm

Thank you all for your responses. I am going tthrough an emotional rollescoaster when it comes to “my exciting love life”… I do have things going for me– I was just promoted at work! and of course that makes me happy; but I would like to share my happiness, success, emotions with someone too.
It totally sucks to go out with friends and they’re all in couples and I am the everlasting single of the group! I should not compare myself with anyone else, but, it does cross my mind: “what the hell do these girls have that I do not have?!”
Constantly I am told “the thing is that you have a temper! men don’t like that!” …. I really get irritated when I listed those stupid judgements. First of all, no one is perfect; seconf of all, I know a lot bitches with huge issues that are in awesome relationships! It’s like they say I guess ” Life is a *****, Life is not fair”

PS1: I am starting to really like this site. I get to ***** and no one cares! haha
PS2: @ Duke of Marmalade: I live in Miami! Where do you live? 🙂

Dawg 5/3/2012 - 11:58 pm

Two quick notes … one … yes, you’re free to “*****” … but around here, we DO care … in the sense that almost everyone here wants to help you find a positive light and path. and two … there’s nothing wrong with a temper, but it depends how you display it that can be problematic – it’s unrealistic the think that no one gets angry or frustrated ever.

zen dawg

Duke of Marmalade 5/4/2012 - 12:44 am

The UK I’m afraid.

Dawg 5/4/2012 - 9:00 am

… and I know you didn’t ask … but I’m in the southeast states too 😉

geezer without the grey dawg

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