I want a way out, simply put, no sugar coating it.
I have an average life, I know there are people worse off, call me selfish, I just want to end it all.
I am 17, 18 in October.
I hate the thoughts if waking up in the morning on weekends. I put on the fake show, pretending to be the happy popular girl in school. (Yeah call me big headed I’ve been called worse 🙂 )
I have above average grades, Honestly never opened a book in my life, pulled three A’s in Higher maths English and ordinary Irish, did transition year, passed it with a distinction. Hell I even one 50€ for looking at 70 physics definitions learned them in two days.
In leaving cert now, not a book opened not failing a thing, I have long blonde hair funny blue eyes that go green at night (wtf) And wear make up like every other girl, I love make up.
I come home, and the smart bubbly girl disappears, I usually lye in bed crying myself to sleep at 5/6 o’clock. I rarely eat now, too unhappy to walk into the kitchen, I have a brother and my parents. All my life my little brother gets all the love hugs and treats. Treats as in farming magazines cuddles kisses & told that he’s loved by my parents.
Me, all my life in my room listening to their jokes laughter and stories from work or school. I eat dinner separate in my room, my own space. I gave up trying two years ago, joining in to their jokes and happiness was useless. They always ignored me still do, I honestly have tried it all. I don’t remember the ladt time they told me they loved me. I’ve said it numerous times it is never retaliated. The fights in the house I ignore. My life now consists of being on my smartphone, the only thing that does my research for me and my methods of contacting people. In my room alone with my goldfish swimming happily in their pink bowl.
Yeah yeah, I’m rambling on. I have the perfect life outside school so it seems, the popular girl , the girl who’s always scoring goals for her soccer team, the girl who’s smart and the girl who people always ask for beauty tips. I’m asked to do peoples makeup, hair blah blah. (I sound so Feckin big headed 🙁 I’m sorry) I have the perfect image, underneath I’m dying.
I don’t believe in a God or any crazy religion stuff. (Ill respect anyone elses) I’m also paranoid someone will know me hence the user name, lol I suppose. Not afraid of death atall I’ll be gone soon. Nothing holding me back instead of my boyfriend of 2years. Unbelievablely close. He knows I’m suicidal, he said he’d commit it if I did. He would loose a 5year bestfriend relationship between us, our secrete jokes and his girlfriend. He’d face people in school and his neighbours, (Rural Ireland nosey neighbors central) they’d be checking his Facebook watching him trying to see what he’s thinking he wouldn’t be able to face it, I love him to bits. I can’t do it to him. I’m drowning in depression trying to preserve his happiness in which he deserves. I couldn’t leave all the shite he’d face, shure I don’t fear death it’ll be like sleeping. It’s the thought right before I get a penknife to my throat, the thought of hurting him.
I want to escape, I can’t for him.
I’m desperate, I’ll need to breakup and slowly let the best friend and friendship we have slip away so I can know he’ll be a tiny bit less distraught.
I can’t hurt the only person I know & who knows me.
Does anyone else have a similar feeling?
19 comments
I know the feeling of wanting to cut people off, because you’re feeling suicidal and don’t want to hurt them.
It sounds horrible to have your family ignore you like that. Have you ever spoken to any “grown-ups” about it, like a counselor or something, someone you trust?
I have had a counsellor, useless 🙂 A teacher I trust, nothing could make life better, I feel I made myself a bit big headed but I just wanted people to have a snapshot of my life 🙂 Aw feck, Im a bit stuck
Okay, I know, from my own situation, that things can seem/be pretty hopeless. But I also know that the future is uncertain, and that getting help has everything to do wih who you get help from.
I’ve had countless shrinks, friends, family members talk to me about my problems and depression. But most of it has left no lasting impression, except that they cared. I did however meet one therapist, who helped me a lot in a single session. Stupidly, I didn’t follow it up. Also, my ex could listen in a way that I’ve never experienced before, that helped me a lot too.
Maybe there are people like that out there for you too, good therapeutic “matches”, if you will.
In the meantime, it sounds great that your boyfriend is there for you.
I hope you can feel a bit of calm, I know that feeling when you feel like you’re exploding because life is so unbearable and you just want to escape. But maybe there’s another escape than death?
I had a therapist, also I find they were no help atall a year’s worth of sessions 🙁
Can’t take antidepressants (even majority of people say there carp) I’m on anti epileptic drugs Boo!
Its great 🙂 But horrible as you know considering the hurt I’d leave.
I’ve been like this ages
Self harm … Pain was great but left ugly scars on my wrists,
Deaths a good option considering I have no fear and no belief,
I’d be gone ages ago and right now if I could
Bit of a mess, feel like the biggest ***** now saying to myself I wish I have never net him,
I have him worried sick when I get panic attacks in class (thank christ on a bike I sit at at the back of the class)
I hate seeing him hurt knowingly I’m on the edge
“christ on a bike”
Funniest line of the Day! 🙂 🙂 🙂
biker dawg
And mary and joseph on the handle bars 😀
Why didn’t the therapists work, what did they do wrong?
Agree with Dawg, I chuckled at that one too 🙂
🙂
the line we use on my end if the sandbar is “Christ on a crutch” 🙂
that christ cat gets around, don’t he?
beach dawg
Just kept asking how are yeah I said I’m shite, how are yeah?
It’s a chat assessed me blah blah, I come up normal basically, they tried cognitive therapy… Nothings worked U have to pay billions for private therapists, I’m on the free state ran ones so I dnaw..
Ye chuckled? That’s the Irish colloquial bits popping in 😉
That’s actually how I speak in real life
It’s nice to know my slang makes people smile, made me smile ye getting the ould laughs, happiness is about the banter wish it was permenate, but It’s something :D…
Another one, Aw jayzus Christ… Fecker pops up every where … (People reading this I’m not dissing your lingo)
I’ve tried expensive private ones too, but they weren’t any better than the publicly funded ones, only had nicer waiting rooms 🙂
But even if you’re thinking of giving up, you can still keep looking for someone who can connect with you and understand the root of your problems and help you, right? I mean, I know they are rare, but once in a while…
Yeah, you write funny 🙂 I love the Irish expressions.
If you feel like talking you can always e-mail me. I’m at hotmail, same username as here.
Goodnight (and good luck)
Only my boyfriend understands,
Ara feck this 🙂
Thanks loads for the email 🙂 means quite a bit 🙂 mightnt mail you by its nice of you to offer 🙂
🙂
^u irish by any chance?
No prob 🙂 Hope you get to feel better.
Yes I am Irish Propel
*procel
U wouldnt happen to be down south west by anychance turtlepower