Earlier i was sat looking at some old photos and i got quite emotional, thoughts started racing through my head so ill write them..
Its funny, people always try to work people out, but how can you work someone out when they dont know themselves, they are lost, alone somewhere.
You take photos to remeber happy times, but it makes me sad you can never get those old happy times back they are gone forever and like the photo just a distant memory.
The people in the photos have gone, i wont see them again until i too are slso ‘gone’
I am sat here alone,counting the minutes and seconds until the day is over so i can sleep, i love sleeping means i am not here, i am someplace else. Listen to that.. Can you hear it? Listen closely that my friend is the sound of silence. That little gasp is the sound of insanity building up. The walk i walk is robotic, almost mechanical. Eyes glazed none emotional, dead almost. Crying but no tears falling almost as if they never cried at all.
I keep a diary, i like to express myself with words, though often my thoughts race and tyey come out in a jumbled order so i do appologise if it doesnt make too much sense but i hope it does!
All i want to do when i write is lay on my bed, i donr want anyone to talk to, dont want to see anyone but i dont want to be alone either, i want people somewhere in the distance doing things that keep them busy but neaeby just incase i need them. When i write sometimes i close my eyes and slip into a dreamless void, i come to maybe hours later still clutching the words as if they are life or death, still clutching the pen that subconsciously maps my life, its drawn out for all to see. It draws out the rough edges that are supposed to be dog eared for fear what lies beneath it.
The pen lies, but it also tells the truth.. It writes what it was trained to believe, to the point it cant tell if it happened or not. It question but those question have no answers only more questions..
Hmmm, mind gone blank now, guess thats the end of my thought racing session? 🙂
Sorry if this makes no sense but thanks for reading x
8 comments
Not really sure how I got to this website or why I kept reading these post but I did and well, first this title caught my attention. Not really sure why but it did, & I don’t know if this is weird but what you wrote I can’t really explain what I thought about it with any else but beautiful. & Again, I don’t know if this is weird or anything but I would really appriciate it if you would let me read some of the things you have written.
I am glad you like it, was just some racing thoughts i had which i felt i had to put into writing. I have wrote many of things, i mostly write poetry but sometimes i go off on thought rants. I have one i wrote a while back called ‘Let me tell you a secret’ its about how secrets are like lies… Ill try and get it posted over the coming week.
People say im fantastic with words.. Written im not too bad, but i barely speak in life.
Hi Crimson Regret, Thanks again for your kind words to me in another thread. I found this thread to learn more about you. One thing I am remembering is that when I was so ill with depression I found it exceedingly difficult to compose thougths either on paper or even in my head. I was confused and found it so hard to concentrate. I would do what they call “ruminate” or chew on over and over. But, I could never really get a well-developed thought pattern or solution to emerge. Basically, it was usually just some remnant of one of my supposed problems. Of course, when you are depressed and you can’t really function, you think that everything that was working well before your illness is now a wasted and lost-for-ever opportunity. You can’t figure it out. You don’t know how you lost it. And you don’t know how to get it back. But, you don’t know what you don’t know either. And what you don’t know is that you are sick. You aren’t really responsible. You can’t fix things. You didn’t break things. Your brain got broken and all your happiness and dreams along with it. Then you start to think of stupid things like the fights you have had with people or the ugly things that people may have said to you at various times of your life. Then those things start to define you in your mind because you can’t think anything good. You don’t want to see anyone you know because you have such a low opinion of yourself and you just know everyone else does too. Plus, if they knew what a failure you were now they would dispise you even more. Ouch! How painful to even think about going out in public.
You talk of sleep. Oh my, I slept all the time. Even when I’m not sick I sleep quite a bit–need my sleep. But, when sick, I saw sleep as an escape, a way to get away from the psychological pain I just described, a way to get away from any obligation or pressure. I couldn’t abide any outside pressures and definitely nothing that exposed me in front of other people. Sleep was welcome. But, the night always went to quickly. For awhile I was substitute teaching (yes, while I was sick). Talk about excrutiating mental pain when the phone would ring with an assignment. Kids are cruel to substitute teachers (jr. high and high school). Boy, was that fun! I couldn’t even decide what clothes to pull out of the closet, how was I supposed to face a classroom full of hostile teenagers? God helped me I think. Nothing really terrible happened. I think that there was some sense of something being horribly wrong with me that kept the kids at bay actually. Still, it was terrifying.
How do other people get by when they are in a depression and they are expected to work? My doctor told my mother that the best thing she could do for me was to make sure I got up every day, dressed, and went to work. He told her that would help me get better. Bull honky! It was terrifying to know that I was expected to go out into the world when I was so vulnerable emotionally and mentally. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to drive competently, it was excrutiating to have to be in front of people when I felt so low about myself, and I was not competent to do simple intellectual processes like adding simple numbers and making change. And I’m a college graduate who graduated with honors. But my brain just wasn’t working right. It was so slow. I was soooooo tired all the time. So, having to go to work was painful and cruel. But, what do people who have never been severely depressed know? Not much. That’s why those of us who have eperienced it and know what it is like need to be there for each other.
I don’t know if any of this is common in your experience. But, you talked about sleeping a lot , being sad, acting mechanical, crying but not having any tears, not talking much. Those are things I experienced. And, when I’m well, I talk all the time. ;o) At least you can write. I’m not sure I would have been able to because my thoughts were just so slowed down and I was so confused. I feel that the people who write on this blog are doing better than I was in that sense. I hope they are. And I hope they get well so that they can experience joy and happiness and fulfillment. I love people and I just don’t feel that anyone should have to suffer like they do with depression. It is a must cruel illness because of how painful it is in its own right, but then, even worse, it is something that most others do not understand. For any other illness you will get sympathy and encouragement. With depression, there is judgment rather than understanding and sympathy and encouragement. It sucks. Again, it’s the reason we need to be there for each other. Who else will be there? Let’s get a bunch of people healthy on this web site so we can start changing this pathetic picture!
Thanks for listening. I hope you are feeling good at the moment. Cheers.
How come everyone else can write these nice concise messages and mine are always like a book? Does anyone even read what I write? I wish I could be more brief.
Thank you for your messahe Kara, you should write a self hrlp book, i think you would be a really grest author and i would deffinately buy your book!
You write the most wonderful posts both backtracking and the present, they do offer hope and also make alot of sense.
By not talking i was reffering to the fact i was mute for almost 2 yeard, i could talk i just didnt, i didnt want to talk or exist.. Even now i dont really talk, people tend to find me ecsentric.
A bit about me, i became a self harmer at the grand age of 3. (yeah that young) i was taken to doctor after doctor but seemingly no one could help me.
Both of you write so well I can really connect with what you are both saying.depression is so deep when I’m in it it does make me appreciate when I’m not in deppressed mode.even worse than deppression is bipolar when you flick back and forwards and you have no control over the switch.it makes planning things impossable as you don’t know if you’ll be up to it or not.i despare sometimes about the whole deppression experiance.like you say sympathy isn’t what I’m after but understanding patience and tolerance is.you can’t see my illness I hide when I’m high and when I’m depressed I come up for air every now and then I am ok at the moment but it’s been a rocky ride as of late.im impressed how well you have both captured the experience of these problems so well I wish I could write half as well as both of you.so know that you have both caught my attention at least.i do read your posts with interest it’s a nice change from the younge self harming teenagers this site seems to be attracting at the presant(nothing against them I just can’t relate is all)
Thank you Molly, that means a great deal. Generally i just write what ever comes to mind, sometimes i have ten thoughts thinking all at once, can get a little bit confusing!
I have seen people go through bipolar both mania and hypo, i lived with a guy who was bipolar, i myself at the time was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.. Our house hold was fun!
I am glad to hear that for the moment you are fine Molly, makes me smile. Its always nice to hear people can connect and understand my writings often people shy away or treat me like a leper? Because of the way i think and i write for this reason i tend not to share.
I have quite disordered thinking, i tend to jump from subject to subject and back again when i talk sometimes it hard to keep up! I might put up some more “thinking” posts over the coming days. Oh and please ignore the spelling, darn touch screen tablet
Thank you, Molly. I’m glad to hear your comments, and Crimson Regret’s too. =)