Vincent Willem van Gogh – July 29, 1890
A good song that is. It’s been a while since last I was here. A shit load has happened… I tried to resolve my issues, I’ve tried to resolve that I have to push through life. I refuse to believe this is a fucking disease. The only disease on this planet that doesn’t rot your flesh is humanity itself if I can cut past the idea that I’m talking about you, the reader.
I know I can’t kill myself… not myself anyhow. I’m too much of a coward and all of my attempts have just been those of a coward. So I can’t do that.
Right now […]
I simply don’t know how to feel about this anymore… I’ve been planning this for nearly a month now… And now that my time has come, I don’t know if I”m ready… no one from my family would miss me, none of them even care about me. If anything, they hate everything about me, from the sound of my voice to the fact that I exist. I’ve already tried countless times before, why is it that this time seems so much more difficult… I don’t know whats wrong with me anymore… it doesn’t matter though, because, this time I’ve planned the whole thing out, and […]
The depression, the insanity,Â it all hit me hard, down into the ground. It all started happening againÂ a month ago. IÂ wasÂ doing better. I have become worst than I have been in months. Â The voices in my head became louder, the nightmares became horrid, theÂ bladeÂ is waiting there for me, AND the stress just sitting there own my shoulders. “Maryjane” has been my only friend there for me.Â I just cant do whatever this is anymore. I don’t even Â know what to do anymore. I wish I had the courage to eventually to just end it all. But, I’m hanging in there.Â
I don’t know who I am any more. I don’t know where the little girl who always had an ice-cream cone in her hand went. I don’t know how somebody could possibly feel so isolated and empty inside. I don’t know how somebody can possibly hurt this bad. I don’t how I can smile and laugh all day and be hollow inside and then come home and cry my soul out. Nothing makes sense. I’m dying. I’m relapsing. I’m fading. Have you ever just sat at home with a cup of tea and sad music and slowly forgot how toÂ feel? This is madness, this is […]
My head hurts right now, but not as much as my… thing that pumps blood? Heart! Oh yeah, I almost forgot I had one. Mangled, shot, and stabbed, and still breathing till this day. Quite impressive resilience.
Maybe it’s because college is here again, or I’m slipping into insanity already, but I started missing my ex again. Relapsing, if you would. It’s been getting stronger and stronger the past few days, even though it’s been 2 years already. And I don’t know why. I’ve even resorted to jacking it to her public profile pics on the Book of Faces. Probably my lowest low of all the […]
For about a year now I’ve yearned for suicide and I’ve dealt with my mental insanity, by myself.
But now I’ve met someone with my same problems! We talk about suicide like its not a bad thing, we talk about our hallucinations like everyone has them, we talk about our anorexia like our parents would be proud, and we talk about running away from home like it’s a normal thing to do.
Sometimes I can’t help but feel like she’s bringing me farther off the cliff, other times I think I couldn’t live life without her. She’s convinced me to set a date for us to run […]
The nature of my job requires me to be somewhat social. Â This is quite a contradiction in the sense that when my anxiety and depression are at their highest, my desire — and ability — to be social is at the lowest. Â I spent most of the day today at a family reunion. Â It was totally exhausting being social for so long. Â Today it’s back to work after too short of a summer, facing what already suggests will be a long, long school year. Â This week will be hard because I will be forced to be social with my co-workers, repeatedly, over and over, through […]
2 years clean and i finally broke down. Â My wrists have so many scars on them its….its funny…
I claimed insanity today..I cut my arms and laughed as the blood slowly came out. I threw my head back and laughed.
I dont cut deep enough to drip blood..just enough to leave a mark.
closed my eyes and keep picturing me as a little kid. running through the grass with my arms open wide my head held high…laughing
I posted my picture of my cuts because to me its a pretty picture..but no one else thinks so…their all mad at me and it just makes me cut more.
ask me why […]
Honestly, I’m scared. I’m scared of everything because since March I have been trying to find ways to get by. I’ve used every goddamn coping skill you could think of. All of them and sure they relieve how I feel but it doesnt change it in the long run. I was stupid when I tried to die. I was supposed to jump. That was my plan initially, but I got fucking scared of being stopped, being seen, so I found an alternative. I should’ve known it wouldn’t work. I should’ve thought of what would happen afterwards. I admit since going to the hospital I enjoy […]
Wow, that sounds weird for some one as new as me, because i tend to not gain attention, Internet-wise or not, but thats besides the point. I am a 13 year old girl, nothing special, and to be honest, i’m not that serious of a case, compared to other people,Â ButÂ what my problem is that i suffer from my negative emotions, and i do mean it quiet Â literally. Let me try to clear this up for you. For example, lets assume that you and i used to be really close, but then our relationship… fails. Like i wasn’t as great as a friend then you […]
I completely lost it. I don’t know how to get up anymore, today i did it more as a mechanism, because people do that, they get up. My hands are shaking, I am terribly afraid of myself. I can’t control my actions anymore. It seems like another person lives inside me, controling my mind, giving a false perception of reality. I think i am insane, I don’t want to be and the thought of it makes me cry. People have so many expectations of me but i just wish i can tell them who i really am. And more than anything i wish they could […]
When you listen to the old philosophers they all agree that the human mind is a thing of beauty and interest. For some people on the earth that still rings true, but for people like me and im guessing people like you this is bullshit. The human mind is terrifying. Yeah sure it can let some people work out a complex maths equation but show it a hint of weakness and it will exploit it and tear you to shreds, leaving you sitting in pitch blackness in the corner of a room dripping blood onto the floor.
That is what happens to me.
“Suicide is not […]
I dont think I actually want to die. What I want is to pull up a website that will let me completely change myself. Change my personality, my body.
My boyfriend thinks I’m insane. He doesnt like for me to touch him. He thinks I have serious emotional issues. Tonight I threw my phone at him bc he hurt my feelings.
I feel like I have too many thoughts and feelings inside my head and I don’t know how to process them all. I can’t write or talk about them bc I can’t organise them in a way that makes any fuckin sense. When I […]
The worst fear to have is a fear of ones self, you can’t run or hide from yourself, when scared you cannot stop yourself. I am terrified of myself everyday..i can hurt me more then anyone else. I have lived with this fear for a long time, but yet again the fear has grown. The fear grows when my emotions get stronger and sadder, when i feel empty and comatose’d. I cannot run or hide or stop myself anymore. I have no one or nothing to hold back the frightful me from hurting the scared me. I am a monster….just not of my own making.. […]
Here is the place where I will let myself be terrified
Iâ€™m sick of telling you that Iâ€™m okay, that Iâ€™m fine
Itâ€™s getting to the point where Iâ€™m starting to hate lying
This time I wonâ€™t turn off the panic, I wanna cry
Release, I need to free the monster, free the fear
Even if I have to cut apart the cage
I will destroy this with my rage
I donâ€™t wanna prevent myself from being this way
I donâ€™t wanna tell you that I wanna live today
Because if I were to be honest, I donâ€™t
And Iâ€™m scared of what Iâ€™ll do to […]
The Peacock of Good Fortune and Prosperity. I wish you all good luck with your lives and may the sun shine and warm your backs for eternity. Through days that seem of gloom and nights that sound of terror, I hope you will feel safe with this peacock. I hope prosperity for those who don’t have the best homes, and I know that pretty much everywhere, not many can pay their bills each month. I wish you all well, because I know […]
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