The desire of death is always haunting me like a bad memorie . The joy of a end is a longing of my soul. The sound of silence is pleasant music to my mind that I do not own.
The peace of nothing is a craving to strong. If you have the answer I beg you to foretold. As I have tried many a road and a different end I do not hold. Just the desire of my eyes to close.
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You are a very good writer. Just so you know. And I think I kind of get what you are saying…but I’m not totally sure.
Thank you 🙂
I have 3 children and I have to stay alive for them or it would ruin there life’s and I guess that would make me selfish as everone keeps telling me. Yet at the same time the desire the longing to kill myself is there every minute of the day. I took a overdose 17 years ago and ever since then the desire has been with me even though I have not tried it again. I feel that I’m alive but I’m not living nore do I enjoy life. It is more like a duty that I have to fulfil for everyone elses sake. Just want peace.
Maybe after you’re kids are grown up, you won’t feel as strongly about death, and perhaps you could go somewhere where you are totally alone, and where you can’t be bothered by the outside world aka society. That doesn’t mean jail or prison or whatever. That means go on a journey of self discovery or something. Just find peace but don’t die, because even though your kids will be grown up, and you may still be having problems(if you have any), there it is possible to become happy and find peace here on earth. I’m not really sure if this makes much sense, or is very helpful at all, but I hope it does/is.
@Emotionless – i was thinking something very similar, for Jules to postpone her thoughts of death until her commitment to her children was complete. Then if she hasn’t found some motivation and/or resolve she could revisit those feelings at that time.
daddy dawg
We will have to wait and see won’t we 🙂 Long time to wait. My oldest is 17 but my youngest is 7 so 11 years to go.
I have abundance of problems the reason I don’t write them is cause they are so many it would take soooooo long and if I picked a few to talk about I would not know which ones to pick. I have thearpy though so I talk about it all there 🙂
@Jules … well … you have 11 years to talk about them so how about one at a time? 😉
Besides, therapists are so … clinical … and only one point of view. Here you could get a wide spectrum of ideas … some good, some bad, some helpful, some not so much … but at least you might feel like you’re not handling them completely alone, and you might be able to help others along the way by shifting their focus off their problems for a little while 🙂
shifty dawg
I liked your comment it made me laugh.
I actually know what you mean. I work for a charity as a volunteer. I work with mums who are suffering with depression ( They help dads to but they normally get a male volunteer) I got 6 months training but I’m far far from a therapist. Though I have had mums tell me they find it much more helpful to talk to me as I can relate to how they feel even when they don’t have the words if u know what I mean.
I will try then 1 at a time.
One at a time it is then!
No promises … but all ears 🙂
FYI – my “therapist” training comes from years of experience and failures, two anger management courses, a customer service course and … PUPPIES!
i keep odd hours so i may not always respond timely but I’m sure others will
tardy dawg
Hello
Hello 🙂
I’m not sure what hurts the most. Hoping for something that will never happen, or accepting the fact that it never will.
Well … if you know it’s never going to happen … then accepting the fact that it won’t happen hurts, but the issue is then resolved and you can move forward and work on contingencies … it no longer becomes an issue in your life once it has been dealt with. Move past it it leave it in the past. and don’t look back. and there is no reason to look back since i wasn’t an issue you had a choice with in the first place.
resolve dawg
Well that is good advice which I have been told.
Yet for some reason when I was holding on to hope I was in a better place then now when I have accepted that this is it,
So which problem first?
My Mum
My Dad
My 18 year long difficult Marriage
Heartbreak with my Ex
My daughters depression and selfharm
My son’s many fears 1 being school which is a daily battle
Huge debt
No Job and 5 of us living om 1 wage
Living in a 2 bedroom flat when there is 5 of us.
The trauma of 2 very difficult years I lived in Belgium
My weight I weigh 21 stone
My addiction to food
My addiction to alcohol
My insomnia
????
LOL
Have to laugh or I cry
oooo … like a slot machine … spin the wheel and see what pops up!
gambling dawg
FYI – I’m a crummy american … you know how we are, the whole world revolves around us and we have no ability or will to convert foreign measurements.
ego dawg
I should of said apartment then instead of flat 🙂
Ok is easy you count yout weight in pounds. There are 14 pounds in a stone so you X 21 stone by 14 which = 294 lbs
Who’d a thunk I’d actually learn something at my age LOL
Flats and stones … sounds like chutes and ladders (a children’s board game)
So, which item do you want to discuss?
stoned dawg
I’m staying of the booze tonight. I have had a hangover all day. I had 2 bottles of wine and half a large bottle of vodka last night.
The wierd thing is I hope this makes sense is that a lot of it is all connected. The problems I have with my ex and my husband has to do with my parents. Which leaves me bitter so I comfert myself with food and booze. Which makes me depressed which even though I bought on a smiley face affects my children work ets…….
Some how I have to learn to be happy with what I got and not what I want. Which is parents that love me unconditionally not for what they can get out of me and a husband that wants the same things out of life I do ( fun love familytime) and not to be alone and keep peop[le at arms length.
Sober Jules 😉
Small victories … a lot of things usually are connected … so that’s not so weird … but you may need to clarify some things so we can understand the interrelationships. when things are tied together, usually solutions are too.
soap dawg
Ok is such I long story but I will try and make it compact which means I will have to leave out a lot of details.
When I was 17 I was dating this amazing guy. After only 8 months of dating he aske me to marry him I said yes he bought me a ring. Then he went back home I live in London he lived in yorshire about 5 hour drive away. We was going to see each other a couple weeks later but he got home rang me and said we were over. I was heartbroken. went out with another guy who broke up with me cause I was still in love with my ex. Met my husband when I was 19 on a drip to Belgium fell in love even though it was not the same. He is nothing like me at all or my ex but I think I liked that as my ex hurt me. got married when I was 21. 6 weeks befor the wedding I admitted to my best friend at the time that I was still in love with my ex and I should try and find him. She said so close to your wedding its the past you got to let it go and be happy etc etc. Got married moved to Belgium where husband is from. Was lonely as my inlaws and hubbys friends hated me. Had my daughter when I was 23 got postnatal depression. Then my husband told me about his abusive childhood. His dad beat him his sisiter sexaully abused him and he sexually abused his niece. I confronted the family which got me in a lot of trouble and I OD. We moved back to my home London. My depression has been bad since then. I have been a leaning post for my mum all my life she needed me to cope with her depreesion and I was never allowed to have problems cause my dad said we must not upset mum. So I went from the frying pan to the fire. A life time of trying to fix mum to a life time of supprting hubby who really does not want to be fixed. Does not want to go out and have fun and be with family wants to stay home and play video games. Everything familys do reminds him of the past. Then 3 years ago found my ex on facebook and found out that when my dad took him to the station all that time ago my dad threatened to kill him if he got near me again I was to young etc etc. That he was and always had been in love with me. Can’t believe how many time he tried to get in contact with me before he finally gave up and married someone else. I can’t belive my dad did that he could of told me when I was 19 he was still trying to contact me. My dad says it was for the best he was not the one when I aske him. We had to 2 years of friendship but realized how much we were playing with fire. We still love each other and we connect on some strange level I have never had with anyone before. We never had sex but came close to many times. We stopped contact a year ago. I just feel I had no control over my life. My parents should not of done that and ny husband should of told me thinngs before we where married. If I didn’t have a mother who came from a abusive childhood and expect me to be there for her 24/7 but was actually there for me instead it would be easier to cope with a husband from a abusive childhood. This way I’m everyones rock and nobody is my rock and the 1 person who can be my rock I can’t have. That makes me so very bitter. This only touches the surface but I think is enough for now lol!
Drained Jules lol
Perhaps you just need to spend some time alone with your thoughts.
From what you’ve said the situation seems very complicated, and as thats only the surface theres not much advice i can give.
But i still think you could find a solution. Just sit alone for as much time as you can find, re assess you life and see if there are adjustments that can be made to make it easier.
For example the love of your life may have married and so have you but that doesnt mean you cant support each other emotionally. Try and find him again.
Else, if you would rather move on, find a friend who can be there for you emotionally.
And try and think of yourself as an actual human being!!
Your not a machine that only works for other peoples wills.
You have your own feelings, and let them be heard.
Well hope that helps, if not, no harm done anyway 🙂
ugh! … I had about 3 paragraphs typed in response and then my PC crashed … so I have to start all over … I just wanted to post this short response so you don’t think I abandoned you 🙂
On a lighter note … if you ever decide to write a book (changing the names of course to protect the innocent LOL) I think your story would make a great romance drama 😉
agent dawg
First of all Dawg I think you should be a comedian you are very fuuny
@ warrenparkinson it is easy to get in contact with my ex I know his email address. We was there for each other emotionaly for 2 years but it got to complicted with I love you’s and stuff and to heartbreaking.
I actually have loads of time to think way to much time infact. Thought go round and round and round and that is why I don’t sleep and why I drink to shut out those thoughts. On a postive not I do have friends that are there for me and love me but on a selfish note I have always wanted that from my partner. For example if I go away with my friends and kids we have a good time but I always wish my husband came when there partners are there. I don’t feel whole. I have though about divorse but can see how that can possiably make me feel less lonely and even though it is not the same thing I feel for my ex I still love him. He is not a bad person he is just damaged for the lack of a better word and I can’t fix him he has to want to do that himself.
Thanks for your advice though I will take it all on board 🙂
now – to try and recapture some of what I originally said …
I think forgiveness is key. And long overdue … for YOUR peace of mind
Your ex-BF, hubby and dad all deceived and betrayed you in some way but the major things you mention happened years ago … and as heartbreaking and life-changing as those event were … there is no time machine available that will allow us to go back and right those wrongs. They are mistakes that were made that cannot be undone. yet they are collective anchors that you are trying to drag forward to each new day … and each new day brings more challenges that get snagged on those anchors and collect around them making them heavier and harder to pull and drag along with you.
let them go … forgive
that doesn’t mean those that betrayed and deceived you have automatically re-earned your trust all of a sudden … that must be honestly earned and proven that they are worthy … but the past must be left where it was, when it was.
Ok … that’s a good part of what I originally wrote … but my old feeble mind can’t recall the rest at the moment … I’m sure something will pop back onto my brain cell in a little while.
vacant dawg
I’m glad you think I’m funny … because I like to keep things light even at the worst of times … plus I don’t think some of the younger ones quite “get” some of my more nuanced and aged references.
Seriously (in a funny way) your story would make for a GREAT soap opera! 😉 you should REALLY consider writing … with all the plot twists … it’d be a cliffhanger for sure!
edge of my seat dawg
Thanks
That is basically what I’m working on with my therapist is letting go.
Looking forward instead of backward but so hard to stop loving someone after 22 years of doing so. I keep going 2 steps forward and then 1 back again. Sometimes I feel he has some strange hold on me but deep down I know that hold is me. I always feel sad when I tslk about him and in thearpy I talk about him alot and that is why it is so raw at the moment. I keep feelimg like I’m drowning in emotions and when I do actually sleep I’m always dreamimg of drowning.
My best friend always says my life is like a soap oprea and it is funny but sometime I long for normal whatever that is.
I have depression. I think about death. I’m on happy pills. I have thearpy but I’m always the happy smiling joking one that is why I have so many friends. I’m fun to be around. So is my ex that is why my dad did not like him Imature he said. He wanted someone serious for me like my husband to straighten me out to make me grow up. Well I grew up fast but I’m still funny so it didn’t work 🙂
no one ever “outgrows” humor and fun lol
I don’t think anyone can “stop” loving someone either. but there is a difference between loving someone and being “in love” with them … i think you and your therapist need to work more on how to properly recognize that love and how it relates to your future so you don’t sabotage your marriage with it … but to deny it, i think is folly.
happy pills are always good 😉
med dawg
I know you are right.
I love my husband but my heart believes I’m in love with my ex.
Then my brain tells me that I have lived with my husband 18 years and I have not lived with my ex at all so how can I compare as real life complicates things. However much suffering has happened we have survived it and that means something. There is just always this big black empty hole in me like something is missing and I can’t fill it so I try to fill it with food. This is not all my husband fault though but also my parents as they have never been there for me either. I need to find I way to fill without all of the above, Just taking a bloody long time to figure out how. Starting to fill like I’m rambling now so might try sleep seeing it ia 1am here 🙂
maybe try the video games LOL … zombie killing is amazingly soothing and therapeutic 🙂
… and it could be some quality re-bonding time … just an off the wall suggestion 😉
i know our parents can be disappointing but they come from a different era and have different values that don’t always match our needs there comes a time when we have to recognize their limitations and absolve them of liability going forward and just accept that it just isn’t their “way”.
gamer dawg
Errrrrrr sounds fun but I think the piont of him doing is to shut as out and have some alone time as life is stressful for him. Plus you can’t have 2 players on the PC which he plays on. I have played with my sons on the xbox but I suck which they find very ammusing.
Spent the day with my MUm today she is afraid of public transport and won’t go on it alone. So she asked me to take her out. Was not looking forward to it at all as I have been feeling low and you need thick skin with my Mum as she really likes to piont out your faults any time she see’s fit. We managed to spend a whole 5 hours together without here putting me down. Which is a first I was so surprised I rang Hubby at work to tell him lol!
I have a rule about people being asshats … and it doesn’t matter what the relationship is … treat me like crap (especially when I’m doing you a favor) … I drop everything and walk away. not upset, not mad, no emotion … just simply “oh, ok … you got this … enjoy” and I go do something I want … that is usually met with profuse apologies and it rarely happens a 2nd time 😉
decisive dawg