One of the things that’s stopping me from killing myself is the fact that I’ll be a corpse which will have to be disposed of. I know it’s stupid, but I hate the thought of being buried, but I also hate the thought of being cremated. I don’t want to be a corpse at all really, I just want to literally disappear into thin air. I’m not sure why this bothers me so much, because I know that my body’s basically just a shell of who I am, but it does. I don’t want to be a corpse and I’m not sure why I care about this, but I do.
Another thing stopping me is that I might not succeed, and I’d rather go about hating life and being left alone, than hating life and having people aware and trying to stop me. A failed suicide attempt would make things even more fucked up than they already are, with my silent depression and hidden suicidal thoughts.
A third thing is that I want to be an organ donor, I want my death to benefit the lives of others. The only ways I can imagine killing myself are pills or jumping in front of a fast train. The pills would kill me from the inside, damaging my organs beyond repair and use, whilst the train would basically make my insides explode and become unusable. As a result, I doubt either of these deaths would make it possible to help someone else live, which is a shame.
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I feel the same about the whole wanting to disappear into this air, not wanting to be a corpse. I just don’t like the thought of being decomposed by fungi and bacteria. The not succeeding used to stop me, but now I just don’t want to hurt anybody with my death. I think disappearing would make it so people wouldn’t know I was dead. ha. Maybe they wouldn’t even realize I was gone, for at least a little bit.
Yeah, that’s how I feel as well @emotionlessandlost. I really do just want to literally disappear, just not be here anymore physically or mentally. I also don’t believe there is and don’t want there to be an afterlife as I’m tired of life in every sense of the word. The thought of living on once we’re gone annoys the hell out of me, when I’m dead I want to stay asleep for eternity and not be alive in any sense at all.