I feel like I’m suffocating, trapped inside my own head. I struggle to go through the day to motions of uni and work because I’m convinced this is my last year of living. I’m petrified, knowing that I’ll never get married or have a family or even do a single thing with this degree I’ve spent so much time and energy obtaining. It’s not that I’m planning on actively taking my own life, just that I’m convinced I’m not long for this world. My fear has become so bad that everytime I drive my car I hope I’m going to crash, just so it can be over and done with, I just need this never-ending internal monologue to release its hold on me, even if it’s only for the briefest of moments.
I struggle to imagine life beyond what is immediate. All I want to do is run away, far away were no one can reach me. If that’s not possible, I just want someone to switch off my brain, just so these thoughts can stop…
8 comments
I know, it’s terrible, sometimes we are our own tormentors, our own bullys.
I have written two posts on here about this very subject and how to make it stop.
They are;
the Voice
the Watcher
Read them and let me know what you think?
Om shanti
I liked your posts, but I feel as though you are talking down to your audience, although I guess from your perspective they don’t know any better. I understand what you’re saying in the voice, but for me it’s not a sense of loathing that brings me down, it’s just being painfully self-aware to the point where my entire life is narrated in my head. All I want is for it to be quiet for just a moment, I just need a break.
I feel the same. I’m scared to drive because it’s like having a loaded gun in my hands.
And Elleonil, I definitely understand the car thing. I had a friend pass away a few years ago and was in no mental state to drive a car and as a result I crashed my car and wrote it off entirely and ever since then I see every potential thing that could go wrong and feel like every time I drive it could be my last.
@mary and the Guardian – I agree, I also feel that the Guardian’s posts feel like they talk down to the audience, and that detracts from the very truthful wisdom they present. Implicit in this relationship is a very heirachical power structure. I am skeptical of power structures – it makes me question the purity of your intentions here. Is this ego gratification or altruism? Is there always a bit of the former in the latter? Either way, your words are wisdom which I won’t detract from, but perhaps a better methodology would be working with people to enable them to reach those conclusions, instead of just telling them all the answers. People need to find their own answers before they can believe in themselves.
Mary I know exactly how you feel… it’s tough when your brain is over stimulated. The only thing that helps for me (apart from drugs) is to try to project that self awareness on to other people, so you’re not all in your head all the time…
@MaryP I mean, I don’t fear that something could go wrong, I fear that I will be tempted to make it go wrong, just because I have it here, ready to crash
@Elleonil, I know what you mean, it seems like such an easy out. I had every intention of dying when I crashed my car, I had spent the afternoon driving around in circles hoping that a situation like that would present itself, but I walked away without a scratch. Now I’m just panicked because I know what I was once capable of.
you must stay strong to yourself and say: i will make it through this, whatever happens, whatever will represent itself. be strong and stay strong.
i don’t know if this is good advice but i hope it will help