I am 50 shades of fucked up.
I never let anything out of my control, I always have to be very sure that there isn’t anything outside of my reach. I’m manipulative, deceitful, and I’m so good at it that nobody would even believe me if I told them. Everyone thinks I’m sweet, shy, quiet. I’m emotionally cut off from the world. I can be cute and adorable to whoever I want to date me, and they will fall for me without even knowing what they are getting in to. I can be sexually manipulative, taking advantage of how easy it is for me to turn guys on. I don’t enjoy sex, but I do enjoy how powerless men are to my charms; how easy it is to get under their skin.
It’s so easy for people to hear pleasure when all that is voiced is pain. I suppose people hear what they want to hear and assume that they are greek gods between the sheets. I always end up a mess after sex, but they are always too tired to notice. I head to the bathroom and wait for them to fall asleep while I sit on the floor, shaking, crying, feeling as if I’ll never be clean. I demean myself, I call myself a whore and I tell myself I’ll never find someone who actually cares about me.
I haven’t slept with an overly-large amount of people in my life, but each person has made me feel this way. I bring it on myself. I want that control. I use sex to meet needs that aren’t sexual at all. I crave closeness, bare-chested, arms-wrapped-around-me closeness. Maybe it’s because that’s the only time I ever feel safe, however fleeting it is. I want their arms around me, I want their physical presence, but as soon as someone falls for me, I run for the hills. It’s out of my control at that point. Anything past the physical side of things is too hard for me to manipulate without suspicion. And anything I can’t manipulate is out of my control, meaning that there’s a strong possibility it could hurt me in the end.
I don’t do vulnerable. When someone wants more than my body, its impossible for me to give it to them. I don’t cut myself anymore, but I still hate the way that I am. I hate my body, no matter how much it enables me to get what I want from other people. I hate that it’s used and dirty. I don’t like how this is the way my life is.
http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/?page_id=170Â I read this, and it made me cry. But now, I feel nothing.
6 comments
If you feel so bad after sex, stop having it! Have a non-sexual relationship with someone for a few weeks and see how you feel. Take some time off from sex – sounds funny, but it is not working for you right now. You are overwhelmed with guilt!! Take one day at a time. I know it sounds corny, but once you start loving yourself again, then you can be in a relationship and enjoy it! I’ve walked in your shoes.
You remind me of this girl I used to know quite well. Or perhaps you are her. Either way, I hope you find happiness in some way.
The article is interesting and I can see how it could affect you in a bad way.
It’s important to keep in mind though that other things could be underneath your feelings around your sexuality.
It could be attachment problems in early childhood or fears of intimacy completely unrelated to childhood sexual trauma.
A therapist can help uncover some clues for you.
the title of your post makes me think you have more to share, when you are ready.
Peace
If you are who I think you are, I’m sorry things haven’t got better.
You have swallowed the ultimate lie that the world tells women – that you are an object for male sexual pleasure, and that is the only way you can gain power, whilst at the same time that objectification exerts power over you. Please stop allowing yourbody and mind to be controlled by such lies. and FYI there is no great power to be derived by seducing a guy. It’s dead easy. Stop devaluing yourself and find a more authentic source of power. Good luck.
As your recent conquest undoubtedly proves.
Funny coming across this. After fifty shades came out, I had a few ex’s, acquaintance’s, what have you get a hold of me and inform me that I was the “christian grey” of their lives. One even asked if I had ever dated E.L. James. Hah. Of course being a guy, I had no idea who Christian Grey was so I bought the book and realized I’m the not so rich/accomplished Grey. I can conquer the world, but crumble at the thought of love.