I can’t breathe. Simple as.
I am so desperately lonely all the time that it hurts, it physically hurts. I’m a 22 years old girl, I’m a virgin, I’ve kissed 2 guys in my entire life. I don’t ever know if it’s guys I’m into, not like I’ll find out anytime soon because I haven’t had enough experience to figure that part out yet.
I’ve been bullied since I can remember. I’m ugly, just genuinely not good looking, and it has been the reason behind my bullying. When I was 10 boys used to call me smash face. In class as a teenager people used call my name mocking me, making fun of me.
I love sports, and I was always a bit of a tomboy, but I never tried, I never did my hair nice, and I never wore anything but tracksuits or make up.
I didn’t try. So the mocking continued. I thought when I was older, when I got to college it would get better, but even at home on the street, 10 year old boys would mock me and make fun of me. They have thrown stones at me, I was walking home one day with a friend and one of the walked in to me, I made a smart remark and they waited for me to turn around and started to kick me and pull my hair.
I think it’s safe to say that I never felt so bad about myself like I did on that day.
I’m paranoid that I’m the but of everyones jokes and everyone is looking and laughing at me. That when, on the very odd occasion, guys do come up to me on nights out, I’m expecting them to turn around and laugh in my face.
I’ve played sports all my life, it was the one thing that made me happy but I never had any friends there. I don’t play them anymore since i left school, and it kills me, but I’m awful at making frieinds, and I’d join or local clubs, but don’t want to go when I don’t know anyone. Since I started playing sport until when I stopped I’ve had NO friends there. Seperate people, loads of different teams and different sports, and not one. I go to training as a spare part, hoping there is an uneven number so I have someone to go with, and if not, just begging that we aren’t asked to go into pairs.
I’m awful at making friends,I have 2 real friends left, and they both have moved away. One moved city, the other is to another country. I am now completely alone. This summer when everyone is going out and going on holidays, I am left completely alone and I can’t breath.
The questions kill me..what did you do today..nothing. My mother told me I needed to make new friends, like it’s that easy. I’m so shy and my self esteem is rock bottom. She says it like it’s the most easiest and natural thing to do. There are some that I lost contact with after school. The last two years I, for the first time in my life, had a group of friends. That was when I was happiest, but too much time has passed to make that up.
I never go out, I hate it, I hate nightclubs, I hate drinking, so I feel that it isolates me more.
The try joining a new club etc doesn’t work for me, because people genuinely don’t like me and find me annoying. It jsut doesn’t work. I only stay sane because I get so caught up in tv shows and movies and fictional characters and stories I make up in my head. I have nothing to look forward to in life but the next episode of a tv show.
It hurts me so much because I thought it would get better when I was older but it hasn’t, and there are so many people in my life that I feel I need, but they don’t need me.
But I hate being the centre of attention, I hate any sort of spotlight, I had coming across weak. I’m never hurt, I’m never sick. I’m ok, I’m fine, nothing’s wrong. When half the time I want to scream at the top of my lungs. My two sisters, older and younger, have always been the attention seekers, and they’ve always gotten it, I’ve been the after thought.
Work and my younger sister is what keeps me going. My younger sister is my other half, but she is stunning, and I’m not just saying that, she’s guys falling all over her. She was out in a club and one of the guys from college saw her and she said she was my sister, he ahd to go over and drag one of the other guys over to show him because he just could not believe that we were related. That I could be related to someone so beautiful.
She is way more outgoing and independent than I am, and I know that next year she’s going to leave to and I’m so furious and jealous at that. Then I really truely will have nobody at all. I need her to survive, without her I have nothing, which is ridiculous because I’m the older one, I’m the one who she is supposed to need, but she doesn’t
I have no idea what so ever what I want to do with my life, despite the fact that I’ve spend 4 years in college getting a degree.I’m from some small town and I see no way out, I’ve a degree that I don’t want and no clue what to do with my life. Nobody is ever going to like me enough to want to go out with me, never mind stay with me, marry me and have a family with. My life is going to be one long lonely road.
I am so lost and lonely that I can’t breath and I’m so depressed. There are days when I wonder what difference would it make to anyone if I wasn’t around tomorrow. My family would be sad for a bit, but they’d get over it. At least I’d stop feeling this stabbing pain in my heart. I don’t know what to do, I just can’t stand this loneliness . I’d take the bad looks over the lack of friends. I just can’t stand being alone anymore. I can’t see my life getting any better. I’ve had 22 years of being unwatted, of being made clear that I’m ugly, and that people genuinely don’t like me, I have no dreams, no hope for a happy future..so what’s the point. There’s no turning this around.
Some days are ok, and than there are bad ones..today was one of those days.
It’s very long, and reading other people’s posts, it really is nothing to compare to any of it, I’d appreciate any help.
5 comments
I wish I could say something to make you feel better. I know suggestions typically don’t do much good because people just generally don’t understand and they say irrational things that you know can’t be done. I will say this, just by reading your post I can tell that despite you feeling ugly on the outside you are definitely beautiful on the inside. I imagine you are a smart girl considering you have a degree (which I myself am too stupid to achieve in all honesty). Again, I know suggestions are often irrational but if you live in a small town and you feel like nobody notices you anyway, maybe, just maybe, you could endure the torture for a couple of more years by saving every penny you make in a bank account (or take a loan if its feasible) and wait until you have a good chunk of cash and get plastic surgery to make you feel as though you look better, wait until you recover and dash town for a larger city where nobody knows you and would never possibly know you have changed your appearance and you would never, ever have to share that secret if you didn’t want to. I know that might just be one more irrational idea and I’m sorry if it doesn’t help you. But look, you are 22 and you feel this way. 22 is waaaaay young on the timeline of your life. By 25 your entire life and esteem could take a 180 degree turn for the better. Start by using Google to find out what it takes to get face altering surgery, etc.
I know that is way out of left field but let me say this, being beautiful at heart is often overlooked when you aren’t physically attractive but in some years down the road if you can improve your appearance, being beautiful at heart and on the outside is a package that is rare to find. If that scenario is at all possible then maybe you would feel much happier and find your gift in life at helping people who feel just as you do now by becoming a youth counselor or something similar. I’m not the greatest at advice so I’m sorry if I offended you or its just another irrational suggestion.
Too bad you don’t live in Montreal for I’d say, let’s meet up and go out today!
Sadly there’s nothing I can say to really help or comfort you. I’m in a situation too similar to yours, isolated and unwanted. I spent most of 2011 without any social contact or affection and after a brief six month pause living in Paris with my best friend it seems this year will be the same.
I’ll just let others, wiser than me speak.
Cheers my dear.
Your story really touched my heart I just want to give you a hug and say people are bastard sand it sounds like you are surrounded by them.i don’t know what advise to give you other than to say I felt ugly and unwanted when I was younger and isolated myself it didn’t help that I was horrably bullied either by my whole class sometimes but things change you have to keep on keeping on and don’t let the bastards get to you
I’m sorry people have been so mean to you. I was bullied a lot when I was a kid, but I was too naive to notice most of it. As much as I came to be horribly ashamed at my naivite, I’m honestly grateful that I didn’t realize a lot of the bullying I received. Still, I never really learned to make friends. I’m 34 now and I honestly don’t really have a good friend in my life. I’ve always been in relationships and I depend on those a lot, but I don’t feel anyone has ever loved me.
I say this just to make it clear that I know any advice I might offer isn’t going to be a magic spell that will solve everything. I’ve tried it myself and it doesn’t always work for me, but I know it does for a lot of people. I know if I had known this at 22, my life would be better. Maybe not by a lot, but better. I just want to tell you not to be afraid of being alone in your life. I know we’re told this thing of what friends are supposed to be, but there are other options. You talk about loving sports and getting lost in TV shows. You may feel these things isolate you, but online they can bring you together with so many other people. You may already being going to communities and talking about the things you love, and its okay for that to mean something to you. A lot of people think we should be ashamed for making friends online. That they aren’t real. But that’s bullshit. You can decide for yourself what those relationships can mean to you. You aren’t the only person who gets lose in fictional worlds, making up your own stories in your head and there is nothing wrong about that. It can even bring you closer to a lot of people. Those relationships are real and they can be meaningful. I can’t promise in the long run they’ll be enough, but you should never feel ashamed of it. So many people I know have made real friends, found real love, through online communities. Maybe no one in your small town shares your passions, but someone out there really does. I also can’t tell you how many people have hardly dated by the time they are your age. Or much older. I know it can really suck, but its also really normal. And I know you feel ugly, and that’s okay, too. Everyone is ugly in their way. You don’t owe anything to anyone. A lot of people don’t just see the ugly in people. A lot will and its going to suck, but there are other possibilities, too.
Hi,
Though i can’t say with absolute certainty that i feel the same way you do, i do know what it feels like to be scared, alone, lost, anxious and to be without any hope. Friendship is such a dynamic thing, it determines so much of our lives. I’m sorry that you’ve had difficulty making friends but if it helps, i’ll be your friend. Though i have not met, nor do i know, as a philanthropist, i’m friends with everyone and i believe the goodness of human connection can solve poverty, suicide, crime, all the negative energy. My email address is outerhaven.bb@gmail.com .. you can talk to me about anything you’d like. I’ll be your friend, and i’ll listen to everything you have to say. I’m a 17 year old male, living in Australia 🙂