I am really struggling at the moment. My suicidal tendencies are so strong, I am so de-sensitised to the idea of killing myself, that it is really only my two sons who keep me anchored. When even that becomes not enough, I go into hospital, where I am now – again – the fifth time in 2 1/2 years, and I’ve already been in now for five weeks this time. I just looked at my progress chart, and basically there has been none – a few blips where I got better for a few days, and then I drop down again.
I am just loosing perspective – I cannot even imagine anymore being well, and the wish to die is so pure and clear and without doubt and fear. It’s becoming harder and harder to resist.
This is an open hospital, so unless I tell them that I am unsafe, I can go out and do anything. I guess today is the day where I’ll have to inform them (again) to not let me out. I wish I could just disappear without hurting anybody. There is just really not the tiniest bit of will left inside me to continue living. It’s just me going through the motions out of a sense of duty. But I really cannot get around that sense of duty. I am all my sons have, there is no father, no grandparents, no other family at all….and when I get to that bit in my thinking, I rage and rave against the fact that I am trapped in this life.
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2 comments
I’m so sorry your going through this. What makes depression and suicidal thoughts seem even stronger is when you feel alone.
My girlfriend broke up with me after 9 years and actedbad if those 9 years meant absolutely nothing to her. It has now been a year since the break up and it makes me so sad and angry that im still not over it. I shut my friends out since I felt hurt by he way they are/is handling the situation.
My mom dis-owned me and my father died a couple years ago to lung cancer. This break up just killed anything that was left living inside me and I am in my own hell. Nothing, absolutely nothing makes me happy anymore. My med’s I don’t think are workin and to top it off I have insomnia so my crazy mind is always racing with horrible thoughts.
Just like you, I have lost all perspective and feel like I will never get “my life” back or be happy again.
I know you probably already heard “you have to live for your 2 sons”, which probably makes your hurt so so much more deeper. The only possible positive thing I can say is, your not alone. We are not alone, we have everyone here on this website for support and who are going through similar situations. I’m sure your 2 boys are so beautiful,. Try and keep your head up (I’m tryin my hardest to do the same) and I’m glad you are in a safe place right now.
Best wishes…
Thanks.
If loneliness is a big problem for you, try to do new things and meet new people. Friends are so important, I wouldn’t have made it without my friends.