It’s been so bad all day today, and now it’s nearly time to face the dark. Alone. My thoughts have been running marathons all day, and I see no sign of the excruciating turmoil inside of me letting up.
Once again, the horrible days where I am so physically sick from this, I can’t move, and so emotionally fucked I start losing track of which thoughts are rational and which are not, are the days when I have no one. The times where I am paralyzed with fear and flashbacks and lonliness… they are the nights that I suffer alone.
I guess I do have one small hope left… that I can drink this shit away, hold it off for one more night, because I don’t get to go week by week or day by day. For me it is minute by minute, hour by hour fighting off the demon that is my own mind.
4 comments
Just want to say thank you for expressing yourself so well. So well, because I can relate to exactly what you’ve written. Thanks.
That actually means alot to me… when I get on here, I just can’t seem to express myself in a way I would like… or organize my thoughts well enough at times to make coherent posts. I’m holding off the drinking as long as I can, because I actually hate drinking… seems to be the only way I can achieve any type of apathy these days. Sure the pills make me sleep, but if I’m awake, everything is still a problem. One crisis after another with me, that’s what the therapist said, giving me the feeling she thinks I’m a drama queen… I’m not. My feelings are so so real.
I can relate, & have & am pretty aware of this stateless state…my mind has taken we on many wild goose chases. You’re okay, you know. I encourage you to refrain from engaging your thoughts cause you’re thinking about your thinking…lol. I laugh at myself as I write this as I just realized what I was doing to my own self. You are not your mind, & when you think or judge your experience, whatever it is you compound what you have no need to.
Can you let go? Perhaps, reread your post & look at it as thought someone else wrote it….what would you suggest to that person to do? Everyone says breathe, but you’re oxygenating you’re whole system, & releasing whatever. 2 min. three times a day. You forget your mind & find your senses. When you realize you are not your experience you give yourself perspective on you & create space for a more positive flow to engage with you. Cheers!
To be honest, I wouldn’t comment on someone else’s post. Well, I don’t usually. My thoughts are not to be trusted and there are a lot of younger people on here… as much as I yearn to help others on the site, I just can’t bring myself to try.. I don’t want to hurt anyone else not at all. I wish I could find a workout for my mind. Difficult when you have lost all interest, and attention span and focus are not there. That’s what it really wants you know? (and yes I have begun to think of my mind as it’s own separate entity maybe that’s crazy, or maybe it’s the first step I really don’t know)… And you really nailed it there. The panic attacks start from me overthinking my own thoughts.