i asked myself 1st thing this morning when i woke up. my “story” is not worth typing about – you already get it: it’s depressing. i’ve been suicidal for a few years now, but this will be my 1st real attempt. the “helium method” as i refer to it (no access to guns, i have plenty of pills but those have a TERRIBLE track record of successful suicides). i feel ready to go.
yet i have reservations. i think about my family.
i don’t love them, to me they are like strangers i just happen to know many things about, i do not feel connected or bonded to them in any way. they have said they love me, if so then my mother has a very (physically and mentally) abusive and manipulative way of expressing it. but i think that my death would hurt them.
so i sigh it off. not today. but then, in times like these, i have these thoughts: is that enough for me not to kill myself? globally, a suicide happens every 40 seconds (on average, as reported by World Health Org). as i type this, complete strangers to me on the other side of the world are dealing with the suicide of someone they knew. well, my family are complete strangers to me. i really don’t feel i need them at all. so, what would be the difference?
i sound so cruel. how could i hurt them like that? when i was little i cried when other kids used magnifying glasses to fry ants; i couldn’t hurt a fly. how could i think it would be ok for me to put anyone, even if they are effectively strangers, through even a small amount of pain?
because i need more. in order to live, i need to have the confidence that i can get through it. i need to have the skills to accomplish what i want to accomplish. i need to be able to like myself. i need to be self-actualized. my life needs to have more meaning than: “preventing people i know from experiencing the suicide of someone they knew”.
so i live another day in this limbo. neither committed to life or to death. i need to change something. i need to die, or find out how to live. i’m already going insane. each day, i notice i’m slightly more and more ok with the thought of killing myself. little sleep, so much pain. wish me luck.
thanks for reading, sorry this was long.
physsurf