She’s gone.

Well, this migh be a long read, but I’ve got to put this somewhere.

I’m 19. All this started as recently as 4 months ago, when my girlfriend of 4 1/4 years left me. She’s at university this year, I’m taking a gap year- but we were in the same year at school etc, and there’s only 3 months separating us in age. She is the single most perfect human being in the world- beautiful, funny, really intelligent. You name it, she’s got it. Everything was going so well for us, or so I thought- I’m going to the same uni as her starting in September, and we’d planned to do so much together. We were even kind of unofficially ‘engaged’, by which I mean that we both knew that wedding bells were where we were eventually headed. I’d secretly booked us trips to South Africa and to Paris for this summer, both of which I was going to surprise her with.

In February, I visited her at uni and suspected that something was different. I asked her if I needed to be worried, but she told me that we were just fine. Like a fool, I believed her. We went around museums together, and took a really nice walk down to the river bank. Everything was nice again, so I put my worries out of my head and went home. The next time I went to visit her in Oxford, she told me that she wanted to end it, and that it was partly my fault for not putting enough into the relationship, and partly hers because she ‘wanted to try something new’.

The thing is, she wasnt just my girlfriend or even all of the usual stuff that goes with that- she was my protector as well. I have a rough time at home, and she was the only person I could run to, the only person I’ve ever trusted. I don’t have that any more.

Anyway, she’s now with someone else, a guy from her uni course. I met him a couple of times and he seemed nice enough, but suffice to say I now loathe him. I’m genuinely terrified that if I go to uni this year, I’m going to hurt him-maybe worse than that.

Since the break-up, my world has pretty much fallen apart in ever other respect, as well. Two of my closest childhood friends got attacked in the same incident- they were a couple, and they made him watch as they gang raped her and then made her watch as they cut his throat. I had to go hold her hand as she spoke to the police, but she later died from massive internal hemmorraging. Their flatmate, also a friend of mine, then committed suicide by OD, but called me just after she’d taken them- knowing full well that I was 200 miles away at the time. I took an overnight train to get to her, only to find a corpse in a hospital bed.

Ive been kicked out of my home, and diagnosed with a brain tumour. Everything just built up and I couldn’t take it any more. I aborted one suicide attempt- a bridge jump- because I couldn’t take the thought of what the guilt would do to my ex. But the other day, I tried again, with an overdose. It would have probably been successful- I took 30,000mg of paracetamol (I think that’s Tylenol in the US)- if my neighbour hadn’t heard me puking my guts out and called me an ambulance.

I don’t want to be here any more, but I’m still in such a bad way from my last OD that I can’t even leave my bed to finish the job.

I don’t really know what I expect from coming on here and writing this. I guess I just needed to tell someone, even if it is people over the Internet who I’m never going to see.