turkish freak

hi.sorry for my bad english beacause it’s not my first language.
i’m from turkey .i’m 21 years old male and i am(was?) university student .i have AD/HD(focus problem) and serve social anxiety. ihave gone to doctors here they gave me some drugs like fluxetin and propranol and some others but all of them were useless.also my doctor told me nealy all of my problems are from fear from soicety.
i came to this site about 3 month age searching about suicide and now i’m some kind of addicted to it. i check it every day and i don’t know why!!
all of my life i have been made fun of .i mean all of my 12 years of school and even in university! so i am really afraid of the world out of my house i go out of my house only once a day and that is for buying something in the market near our house and even that makes me feel very bad.i went to university for 2 years and i don’t want to go anymore beacause of my s.a.d and fear of other people .i went to some job and the same happened there.even in my job my colleuges made fun of me and my way of speaking and reacting.the only thing that keeps me alive is downloading illegal amreican tvs sieries and movies and watching them and playing video game on xbox360(this is pirated too).so all of my life consists of sitting in front of computer and it’s obvious i have no friends.and beside all of my problems i am some kind of ugly and GA Y in a islamic countery that means if some one finds out what happended to me it will be the same as the movie brokeback mountain.and here except of docotrs no one else can understand what is social anxiety or ad/hd and all of people i know make fun of me for that and consider me freak or lazy and some times both of them.here i see americans use words abuse or harrase or bullied if someone calls them names so i can say all of my life my father and mother called me names and from where i can remember my mom/dad did Corporal punishment to me(finded out the word on google!) .my dad also died when i was 14 beacause of cancer and that was another sock for me. also in some way it’s good he isn’t alive to see how messed up i am.another thing is that when i was about 10 i was some kind of sexually abused from a 14 years old boy.also it’s very normal for ga ys to be abused in turkey.usually people see them the same as trash.
anyway; i got suicaidal about when i was 15 and up to now tried it three times.first time tried to get drowned when i was17 but beacuse i know some swimming i couldn’t die.second time with co gas and i really can’t understand why that really didn’t answer!? third time i tried to hang myself but i stood about 1 hour on the chair and was too ****** to do that and couldn’t.now i’m thinking about eating 3 ambeins and waiting 10 mintues near sea and then going for swimming whit this way i would die for sure and no one will understand i did suicide.sorry for my very bad english and wish me luckfor dying this time.
goodbye