Hi again^^
I really thought that the previous post would be the last, but due to some complications I wasn’t able to commit suicide by the sea, unfortunately. I have now started high school, and after just not even a week I already think it’s hell. I’m not bullied and people kinda talk to me, but many of them know each other since before or are just that good at making friends. I have really tried to talk to everyone and in the beginning I thought it went really well, but it didn’t take long for everyone to find just their “gang” to be with. I’m not shy but I have trouble with actually becoming friends with anyone unless we klick like bread and butter, which I haven’t done with anyone in my class. There are two girls I’ve sort of hung out with, but it feels like I’d bother them if I follow them around, maybe they don’t feel that way at all, but it feels that way for me since we don’t even seem to have a similar personality at all. I’m pretty laid back and just don’t find everything so hilarious I have to laugh like an idiot at it, like one of them does.
I…I just feel so awkward! And it feels awful to hear about how my shy, quiet and kinda mean childhood friend makes friends with two cool girls in the second day and then catches the eye of a really hot guy even though she is chubby and not that pretty! (though I guess others must think she is) And this is where I should mention that there are only two guys in my small class, one pretty cool and sorta good looking and another…who I will explain further now.
At my first day spoke to the guys in the class; they were nice and we had drawing in common. Later that thay as i was waiting for my train I saw one of the guys from my new class. I stopped to talk to him, I thought “why not?” and we ended up taking the exact same two trains on our way home and we spoke the entire way. I didn’t notice at first, but the more times I saw him, the more I realised he wasn’t the coolest fish in the pond… I’m talking childish clothes, a little awkward, doesn’t give a damn about his hair and walks kinda funny…
I don’t dislike him though, he’s nice, and I think he kinda likes me. But, well, I don’t think there is any better way to put this – I don’t want uncool friends! i want friends/a boyfriend who I can proudly walk down the streets with and that I won’t be ashamed of having. I don’t want to sound mean or judging, but why me? As far as I know I don’t dress like a loser or anything like it…
I feel like I’m being suffocated every day by how different I am from the others in my class! And I’ve been thinking of ending it for so long now, I really want to. I have planned on talking to a sort of youth-help-place in my town before deciding and really think it through. In a way I want to die, but in another way I don’t. I guess it is the classic “I don’t want to die, I just want to make the pain stop” I want to get help, but I don’t know what they should help me with. Because what can they do about that I’m pretty antisocial and not very intersted in people? and those two things are what I hate the most about myself. It doesn’t matter how much I push or force myself; I just can’t get interested in spending time with others. Yet, at the same time, I want friends. I just don’t know what to do!
On top of this I have chosen a pretty difficult program, at the cost of a cool social circle. I’ve been telling myself uptil now “Don’t worry, I’m sure it will be a really cool class, and I might even get a boyfriend!” and when I met my class: “Don’t worry, I’m sure you will meet some cool people later.”
When is later?
My friend chose an easier program but with much cooler people, and I chose the one that might get me a wealthy(enough) future. But what good is life if the only joy you have is your money and job? I would give pretty damn near anything to meet that fucking dream prince that everyone seems to meet or have already met! I’m so tired of having to fight until I cry of exhaustion to get any recognition! And don’t tell me that it is like that for everyone – because it isn’t! They want to have friends and are prepared to lay down alot of time getting them and finding them, and they probably have a lot of friends since before too. And it does of course not help that my much older sister was and still is very popular and cool, she never had any kind of problems like that and I feel too embarrassed and ashamed to ask her for advice; especially when she makes jokes about me not having a boyfriend. I don’t think she intends to be mean, she rarely does, but it still cuts deeper and bring more pain than any knife could. At those times I feel so jealous of her that I hate her. I hate her so much I want either her or me to disappear forever. Beacause why her and not me?!
I’m starting to think that the kind of life I want, the kind of friends and boyfriend that I want simply is impossible for me.
My plan is like before but in my hometown instead; I discovered I’ll be more comfortable here. What I’d prefer is to die in my own bed, but as far as I know there is no way of doing that and have it look like an accident, and keep it as painless as possible. So I’ll just go with the next best; jumping from a high building, if I can find any since there are so few in small towns.
Well, that will be the end of my little story I guess…Thank you for reading and I wish you all the best!