so the summer of my 19th year has come to the climax of failing half my first year exams and continuing to fuck up during the holiday that followed, so it’s unlikely I’ll make it back to university, precipitating the major crash and burn i’ve had coming for a while i suppose
i’ve recently overdosed on ecstasy a few times, taken some desperate nights out in cities far from home and with strangers and just generally been ‘that guy’.. i did have close friends, but along with a sane home life it’s all just disintegrated and basically i’m half working to pass my exams to get back in next year but half expecting to fail and end this sorry, lonely little saga. i get the feeling people will be more “well I guess we saw it coming” than anything. i’m currently taking the strongest nonprescription painkillers I can get for a little lift and am considering extracting the dissolvable main [opiate] ingredient to get a stronger brew (without the danger of a paracetamol overdose ew) to make however i choose to end it a less unpleasant experience, which i’m considering for either after taking the resits i’m about to fail or after getting the results, not sure. but basically it’s not melodramatic for me to say that without the clear cut route of university education, the accomodation away from home therein and the vague continuing possibility of finding friends this time round the thought of failing the course isn’t worth sticking around for
i’ve had suicidal tendencies for probably at least 5 years or so, mixed up in ‘teen angst’ i suppose, but recently the plans are motivated by this very real downward spiral which has just cut me out from the things in life i was able to find happiness in, and just draws me into chaos which i don’t want to carry on
i guess i’ll let you know
3 comments
Bro, listen to me – if you’re getting that fakey RC ecstacy, be VERY careful. I did it maybe seven or eight times and I’ve never been the same. It’s taken me to a whole new level of unhappiness – I’m convinced it has damaged my brain.
yeah actually.. that stuff. it’s like bath salts isn’t it
what sort of effects are u talking about?
The word “disassociation” seems very apt. I have a compulsive need for hyperanalysis on a visual level, and string together correlations between elements that your average person would not logically look for. I don’t really like to go into more detail than that. Suffice to say there are no benefits and it causes plenty of pain.