Recently, I went for a visit to my psychiatrist and after I had plans to go visit my xgf afterwords. You will never guess what happened…
He decided he does not want to play “russian roulette” with my life… I concur, I would like to try and win that game. Anyways, so he asks me how I would feel about staying at the hospital for a bit… I said I would rather not. He then said he was going to take me for a walk around and show me the place (mental health ward). So he shows me around, and next thing I know I am in intake… When I had asked my psychiatrist, he said it was voluntary… I asked what would happen if I said no, and he then said that if I refuse, I will be put on form (which is involuntary). Being smart, I chose not to argue or resist, knowing that form would be a longer stay, and have worse things attached to it (like no ‘passes’ to go out for a walk or visit family, and they also take your clothes and put you in hospital shit)
Anyways, so I allowed it figuring I would be out of there quick. One week seemed like one month. They force you into their 8am-10pm schedule, and make you show up for their stupid classes (which I have already been through before) and they don’t do anything. I had been put on another anti depressant, wellbutrin. It was only 150mg/day, but it seemed to have a little more effect than the zoloft.
After a while I had asked to double the wellbutrin and take me off the zoloft. My wellbutrin dose was doubled, and then I was given only 1 day at 50mg. When I asked the doctor about tapering it off, he had said that 100mg is a small dose. After getting home, I find that other people report the withdrawal symptoms at a low dose like 25mg…. I am now having this electric feeling in my bones, and I am twitching, and having involuntary muscle movements as well.
After being released, I have reflected on the purposeless visit to the hospital. They claimed to have seen a change, which was true… BUT the only reason I was the way I was when I first arrived is because I was tricked into staying there… I wanted to just continue my original plan and visit my xgf… So, after a week, I had settled down, realizing there was no way to get out of this… And smashing a table through the window would just get me a big bill as well as I would be put on form (for attempting to get away). Of course, they see it as an improvement and let me go… They only thing they saw was me being happy for my release back into society.
Well, I hate to say this, and I sure as hell don’t want to go back there… But I don’t feel much different – probably even worse – than when I was when I was sent there. I stayed at my xgf’s place for about 4 or 5 days, and now am feeling the withdrawal symptoms again… Worsening everything basically (depression, anxiety, body zap feeling, etc.). less than 24 hours of returning home from my xgf’s place, I feel more like shit, and have cut myself again and still want to die…
The hospital doesn’t do shit, because all they see is the depressed state from being locked up, and the happy state from being released….. That and when you take a person out of their life that is causing it all, of course they will be happier… But then they release them back into the same shit that caused all the depression, and end up feeling the same again.
I hate my life, I want to die… I am in the process of closing and deleting my Facebook (shitbook) account (another reason I got locked up – posting my feelings). I hate my job, I hate where I live, I hate the mess that I struggle to get out of with no/little help from my brother, and I hate being on disability and not being able to afford anything… I have no reason to live, no purpose at all. The only reason I had was my marijuana plant which is almost grown and budding but I have even let go of my care for that considering how long its taking and I haven’t seen a bud to smoke yet. I have no family of my own, and half my family is dead.
Over everything I see no purpose for me, except to commit suicide and show others that some people just cant live with what they have. I have this urge to sell all my expensive shit (computer and sound system – worth about 4K) and buy as much weed as I can, as well as cyanide, or the things needed for a helium exit bag. I just want to die and get life over with, I cant live miserably, and I sure as hell wont live in the hospital eating their shitty food, and taking meds that are only going to fuck me up more….
I don’t know what to do. I have absolutely nothing. I feel like laying down for a nap on the railroad tracks to see what happens.
And I know if my psych or Mother found out I would just be back in that fucking hospital again which will do nothing but make things worse….
~kthx
6 comments
It is RIDICULOUS that any doctor would force you to go in. Over all It makes me angry that anyone thinks they know someones mental well being better than the holder (with things like depression). The withdrawal symptoms do go away though, I’m sure you know that. Normally within a week. You said you dont know what to do. Don’t commit suicide, there’s my answer. Always remember there is another time coming. Email me if you’d like, Rachelwaddell81@yahoo.com
As of my latest post, I see no reason to live. I was struggling to find a reason, and thought I had found one, but that was all washed away by my now not-closest-friend . Now I have no closest friend. It feels like shit. I have no chance at a better life, given my disorders prevent me from meeting new people (or talking to girls for that matter).
I forgot to mention, I went through things like this too. I found myself in a mental rehabilitation center just 2 years ago. I came out more messed up than I went in.
Yeah that is typical of being locked up, it just makes things 10x worse when you get out, and also gets you on another med which will trash your system and fatten the wallets of the people who prescribed it to you. I also love how they describe my marijuana use as “abuse” when its actually not abuse… If it fixes my problem, you can’t call it abuse, because I am using it for something (not just to get high)
Pysch wards are awful I’m in one at the moment. Yes they make you dramatically worse….
They also force more drugs into you to fatten their pockets… And also to dull you out, and screw your brain to the point you cannot refuse anything… It is a chemical lobotomy.