im nothing

All my life ive been used, abused& hurt. Ive been treated like i dont mean anything. Its been like that since i can remember. When i was in my moms stomach she would drink and do drugs and still smoke. She didnt care. Shes never cared. She cheated on my dad all the time and treated him like nothing. She would leave and stay gone for short periods of time. She lost her good job for the state because shed rather go outand drink. When i was a baby and my little sister was a newborn my mom decided to kidnap us. Yes aparent can kidnap their children if you didnt know… she took us to illinois. Her no good family lives there. Theyre all drunks and abusers. My mom would let her brother hit me. I would throw tantrums and i guess my mom thought it was okay because it was just a punishment. The most vivid memory i have of him hitting me is when i was 4 and in the back seat of his car. I said something “rude” and he turned around and punched me in the face. My mom was in the store and didnt know. My dad eventually got us all back. He knew what kind of people my mom was surrounding us around. He didnt want that. Eventually my dad had enough of my mom and they divorced. My mok didnt care. She was glad that my dad got full custody. She would go without talking to me for months nd then come to me out of nowhere and act like everything was great. She did this to us on amd off until i was in 2nd grade. It was right before my 8th birthday. She asked if i wanted to stay the weekend at her house. I went. It was happening again. What she had done before. Only this time i remember the drive back to illinois. I remember while driving out of austin i was staring out the window whispering “bye dad, bye texas.” Again we hadto live with the abusive uncle. And our 8 cousins. I would play with my favorite cousin dustin. He was my “best friend”. He mollested me when i was 4. The first time my mom took us to illinois. The second time she took us back he didnt do anything. He was nice. Nobody knew about it except us. My uncle would spank us when we didnt eat all of our dinner. We were poor. We had nothing. Cps would always try to investigate us. My dad would come to illinois to try and give us gifts butmy mom would get my drunk uncle to go out into the front yard and try and fight my dad. My mom got me to fear my dad. I knew what would happen if he found us. We would get taken from our mom again. When i would walk down to the bus stop or to a friends house i would constamtly be in fear tha my dad was around. Every time i saw a brown truck id run away. Why? I have no clue because my dad is the only person i can trust. Whem we finally moved away from my uncle it was because the family found out he had been mollesting his3 daughters. It wasnt a surprise. We moved to a smaller town in illinois. It was safe and fun there. It was where my mom grew up. I would walk to school with no problems. I still hav friends there tha i talk to and its been 5 almost 6 years. We lived with my moms boyfriend that she had since i was in kindergarten. He would spank me with a bbelt a lot. And kick me out of the house in the middle of winter. I would see him get drunk everynight ad push my mom around. He was on the run because he had burnt down a small apartment complex down back in austin. I hated him. I had a neighbor friend. We would always hang out. She would kiss me. It was weird. I would go along with it because i thought we were just playing “house”. The day the cops and my dad found me i was next door at herhouse. That same day they took us to a foster home while my parents could settlethings in court. When they finally did my dad came and got us and we drove back to texas. We were told we couldnt see our mom until she stopped drinking and started paying child support. She hasnt to this day and i am 15… ive seen her once since i was 8. My older brother ad sister care more about me than my own mom. Nd my older brother and sister arent even full blood. Back in texas we moved back to the apartment complex tht my dad lived in since his divorce with my mom. A man moved down below us. We were in second floor. He had a daughter. My sister and i would stay the night there. Not at the same time but seperate. Why, i dont know. One night after a year or two of me staying the night there i woke up to him trying to finger me. I oinched my friend (his daughter) silently. Se didnt wake up. I pinched her harder. She finaly woke up and her dad jumped onto the floor and acted asleep. My friend screamed. Her mom ran in and took the dad away. We left it at that. Luckily i domt careenough tothink about it ever. He did it to my youmger sister 5 times. She actually told my dad. Nobody knows about me except myself and a few friends tha ive opened up to on drugs. He got away withwhat he did to my sister. After that year i started smoking with a different friend. She was my best friend. We messed around with eachother. She told people but i made them believe it was a lie and it worked. I was uglyand had no friends. She was the only friend i had. And she had turned her back on me. Eventually 3 years later i left that schoo. Now im at a public school and im almost near rock bottom. I left the smaller school because i met a boym he made me believe he loved.me. i gave him my virginity. And then he dumped me. A few months after i moved schools i had sex with another boy. And after him i met the my first love. Weve been together almost 6 months. Ive cheated on him 3 times because of drugs. He knoes. It crushed him. It crushed me that it crushed him. He stays with me but he tells me ik dirty and a whore. I dont mean to be. But i guess i just like letting people use me for sex. Because thats all any guy has ever wanted me for. I guess i am a dirty whore. Its not what i want to be though. I dont know why but for some reason ik the girl allthe guys come to to ask for sex or pictures. Even though im not easy. I cant talk to anoyone about anything. Nobody cares and nobody listens. I cant even tell my dad that im depressed. I turn to drugs because they make me feel careless and empty.and on uppers i can talk about things like these. Im an addict. I have a addictive personality and its ruined a lot of my friendships in the last few monthsm every time i get really fucked up i go into this ekotional break down amd so now all the people that have seen me that way and that i thought were my close friends say ik annoying and they all talk about me behind my back… i cant trust anyone. Tomorrow is the first day of school and i dont know what people will say about me. I used to be a social personfor a whileafter i left the small school. Everyone knew and loved me. I was funny and nice. The drugs have changed me. Im not the same person. I dont trust anyone i have mental problems and i hate people. Next weekend im shooting up heroin. I made plans today because i decidid i dont care if i become a homless drug addict anymore. Im a smart person. I skipped a whole grade. But i dont want to try anykore. I just want to sit and rot. The only reason ik not dead yet is because my dad. Hes the only person that will ever be there for me. He would be heart broken. Nobody else would care though. Everyone just thinks im over dramatic whem i actually do tell them i think about killing myself. So i guess ill just keep it to myself and do it eventually and i wont have to worry about any pain anymire. Everyone aways comes to me expecting me to help them be happy but whem i want to talk they never want to listen. Im tired of being the person everyone comes to for help or hapiness. Why cant anyone do that for me. I just dont know anykore… i just want to swallow 50 bars , sleep and nevrr wake up. I doubt anyone will read this long shit… but im almost at rock bottom…