I’m 16
I’m a Junior in High school
I’m a cheerleader
A straight A student
A softball, basketball, and volley player
On color guard
Have great friends
An amazing boyfriend
I should be happy right?
I’m not
Why?
I have a secret
A secret that hurts me so bad
I don’t want to live
I was raped by my stepdad
from the time I was 9 until I turned 13
I feel dirty
I feel worthless
I feel responsible
I feel damaged
I feel broken
I feel ugly
I feel pain
But I keep smiling
Because I don’t know what else to do
I don’t tell that I cry myself to sleep every night
That I have nightmares
That I’m scared to be alone
That I want to die
My name is Whitney
I seem happy…..
Right?
7 comments
Aww no hunny you don’t!!!! I am so sorry!!! Your story made me cry!!! I don’t really know what to say all I want to do is give you a big hug and let you cry and let it all out!! I’m Layne I’m 17 and if you ever want to talk feel free to e-mail me laynecarter18@yahoo.com!!!
Whitney, There are probably more people than you know that have been through this. I have in some ways, but by a boyfriend. I know that feeling of hiding it and trying to nit show the pain when that’s all you feel inside. You know that you did nothing wrong…he did. I didn’t ever tell or get help, so I’m not sure what to tell you. I want to tell you it gets better and easier, but if I’m honest, it’s very hard still to this day. Sometimes I think people can see it in bold letters on my shirt and I feel like they pass judgement. I hope you get the help you need to get through this. Best to you. Anytime you want to talk, I’m here.
I wish I had words to take your pain away. Nobody deserves to feel that much pain….. Hang in there Whitney
I don’t know what to suggest, other than if you want help in processing your experiences, maybe try and study the subject. Educate yourself on rape, and on what can be done to move on from it and learn to live with it.
For my problems, I’ve watched a few TED Talks, but I couldn’t really find any on rape.
This is a page devoted to rape survivors:
http://www.aftersilence.org/
and here is their list of books on the subject:
http://www.aftersilence.org/
no, sorry, HERE is their list of books on the subject:
http://www.aftersilence.org/resources.php
I’m also 16 going into my junior year. And me too. For years. The feeling of being sick dirty and disgusting has never gone away. I cry to sleep too, and I can’t get the nightmare to go away no matter how hard I try to forget. I’m so sorry. I wouldn’t want anyone to have to go through that.
I think one of the worst parts is looking at the people around you, and knowing that you are different. That they are beautiful and innocent, something I can never be. And it feels like they know I am worthless. That I don’t deserve to be around them because I am damaged.
And the pretending. The pretending to be okay is the worst. To pretend to be happy and full of energy while it rips at your insides. I have to keep smiling. But sometimes I just have to go to the bathroom and cry.
Sorry to hijack your post and blab about myself. I could relate very strongly to your story and I’ve never really talked about it so it just kind of came out.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. There’s nothing I can do to make it stop hurting, but I hope it helps to know that you’re not alone.
If it helps I know how you feel :(. Having to fake that smile every morning. Having to yell in silence. It hurts. I know it does. But I’m here for you Whitney 🙁