Confused and Mindless .

I use to be so happy and so inisent , so mindless and careless , then came grade 2 . I just moved into a new place with new people and a new school , a new everything . I remember I didn’t even want to go , I begged and begged my mom to let me stay home , but she wouldn’t let me , so I walked inside while everyone was outside , then when everyone came back in , I just couldn’t even say anything to anyone , I didn’t fit in at all , I felt like a little kid standing in a grocery store looking for their mom , so scared . Then I met this boy in my class and right then and there I liked him , and I thought that maybe he liked me back , but I was wrong , cause after he found out he came up to me and said ” I’m sorry , but I only date skinny girls ” .. , and at that moment my heart just fell , it fell so deep , like it was in an endless dark pit of nothing . After that , I never liked myself again . Then if it couldn’t get any worse , in grade 5 , I got made fun of all over again everyday it just echoed in my head ” you’re soo fat , or soo ugly , you should lose weight cause you’re soo fat , like you can barley fit in the class room , you’re soo fat , you’re so ugly ” , every goddanm fucking day .. thats all I heard .. and one day I just sat n the class room with everyone in it and cried and no one was there for me .. it’s like n one even cared … . And after that , … well thats just it , there was nothing , I had no feeling anymore , I use to have such convidence in myself , now it’s not even there , it’s like it doesn’t even exist anymore , it’s like it was never there in the first place . I don’t feel specail anymore , i’m not the same person I was before , honestly I don’t even know who I am anymore , truly when people actually say i’m pretty or beautiful or even stunning for that matter , I seriously don’t believe them at all , I feel as if there lying to me just to make me feel at least a little better about myself . It’s the same thing with my weight like everytime i look in the mirror I see this fat ugly girl hidding in her mask so people wont think theres anything wrong … but honestly i’m just lost and never to be found my way out ? selfharming but even then I get scared even tho i’ve done it for so long I still get scared wth every cut but then I get mad at myself and do it more to the point were my arm is red and burning , I don’t cut for it to bleed cause i’m scared that too much will come out … so I cut for a enough to relieve me , but even after I still feel like shit , I just want to cut every part of my body , will that make me perfect ?! , NO cause no ones perfect … , i’m truly not … , but I honestly don’t feel that anyone is ever honest with me about anything really . And nooo I don’t use all this for attention cause this how I honesty feel , I just I feel that they lie and lie and lie to make me feel a little better or a little happier , well you know what it makes me feel worse cause I know that it’s not true . Cause it’s me , I know everyone of my own flaws , I know how I really feel about myself in every detail , and you don’t , cause you’re not me . Truly you don’t know the real me , yes I can seem happy and fun and outgoing , but on the inside I feel worthless , I feel no ware near enough for anyone , I feel empty . And yes , you say it gets better , it’s going to be okay , I know that it’s not goingg to be okay nor is it going to fucking get better , cause if it was it would have already fucking got better by now ! Why can’t I be pretty ? , why can’t I just be skinnier ? , why can’t I believe in myself ? , why can’t I just go at least a minute without comparing myself to other girls who are obviously prettier and skinnier then me . If I was really pretty , i’d have 100 or less likes on my pictures , i’d get actual attention from guys , I would actually maybe feel better about myself for onces in my life . But no I don’t have 100 or less likes on my pictures I don’t get alot of attention from boys unless were just talking or there picking on me . And then you see all of my other friends with either boyfriends , or someone to flirt with , or someone whos just giving them there attention , why can’t I be like that ? , i’m not asking to be perfect , all i’m asking is to get a little more attention for onces maybe have a flirt buddy or possibly a boyfriend , or just someone . Not just anyone , just one that can I can trust and someone that can handle me for my flaws and still like me anyways , someone I can joke around with , and be cute with , and play vidoe games with , or cuddle and watch movies and make out . It’s not like i’m asking for too much , I just want to actually feel specail to someone , I just want to be with someone who wouldn’t care what I looked liked cause they would like me for me . Maybe I am asking for too much… , but for onces I want to be able to have convidence in me and to be brave and not compare myself to other skinnier prettier girls . But what I really don’t want is to feel this way anymore , I don’t want to feel so sad and hurt inside , I don’t want to worry about what other people are serectly thinking of me , I don’t want nor do I need it . Yes I can admit i’ve thought of suidcide more then onces , I still think it to this day , but I don’t know if i’d be able to do it , just to leave just like that . Gone out of this world with no way back , yes i’d have no pain anymore , but i’d never be able to know what would happen more along in my life .I’d never go to High School , i’d never get married nor have a kid , I wouldn’t get my dream job , and my parents I know they wouldn’t be able to handle this , and i’d never know if my brother would talk and he wouldn’t know who I was unless my parents told him everything about me . And i’d never know cause i’d already be gone . No more me .. , now theres a question to all this . Would it be good ? , or would it be bad ? , would peope even care if I was gone ? , or would everyone be too sad to even talk about it ? , all these question , and no answers , cause onces it’s done you wouldn’t know if they cared or not . I wouldn’t know what would happen after i’m dead , like would I die and thats it ? i’m dead ? , or is there more to it ? , is there a Heavan ? or do you just stay on Earth and people just can’t see you until they’re gone to ? these questions don’t have a answer to them , I wish I could just do it and if people miss me or I regret , I could take it back . Or if I didn’t regret it and people didn’t miss me that , I could just stay gone . But that can’t happen , cause onces it’s done , theres literally no turning back at all . And that’s the thing that honestly scares me the most . And most of all I wouldn’t be able to see my bestfriends anymore … I wouldn’t be able to know if Jessica and I would ever have a thing , or if nothing would ever happen , and Chantal , i’d never see her again … , i’d miss everything too much to just get up and leave and never come back … , I just don’t know ….. , I got into so much just in a year , not even , I smoked , I did drugs , I even drank , and they weren’t a one time thing and thats it , they lastes so long that my cousin had to come in and pen my eyes to what I was doing with my life , I got caught up in the ” fun ” that I never realise what all of it was actually doing to me , I mean I guess it could be fromm trying to grow up too fast annd hanging out wit lder kids and just my own stupidity I guess . It got so bad that I ended up getting hanmerd out of my mind nd fucing some guy that I hardly knew … at 13 … I lost it at 13 …. , and I can never take it back , ever .. , He fucked and chucked me , took edvantige of me and used me just for his own pleasure . I know fucked up but still , it doesnt feel t good , and it’s not only that but , my parents don’t even know there own daughter anymore , I don’t even think they would want to know the real me , I mean I already fucked up with them so much , why put more pressure and disapointment on them then they already have ? , even if I shared with them the real me they would never look at me the same anymore …. , nobody would , not that they look at me good anyway … , I don’t think they ever thought of me as good nor pretty or even skinny for that matter , maybe I should just pick up the knife again and see were that takes off . Not that anybdy would care anyway … , it’s no pleasing anyone unless you’re perfect , but theres no such thing , everyones different , no one is perfect nor willl they ever be perfect , why want something nobody has ? , you can never please society anyway , so why even bother trying to in the first place ? It shouldn’t matter how people are or what they wear or look like cause everyone is different and everyone has there own opinion about everything , no ones the same , they may have some things in common but there not the same , cause like a said , everyones different . but it’s like they want to be the same , but why be someone else ? , you may thnk there lifes great but they could be going through alot of shit just like you . So really whats the point anymore ? , I don’t think there is a point anymore …. , society already so fucked up now ….. , no one understands me , sometimes I don’t even understand myself , I don’t understand my emotions one moment i’m happy next i’m depressed next i’m pissed off at everyone and I jut want to punch everyone in the face , then i’m happy again then it repeats again and again , I may not show it as often but thats how I feel . I just don’t feel like right person anyone wants to have or be with for that matter , honestly I hate people . Like fuck .. I fuck everything up all the time … , i’m worthless , STUPID WHORE …. ! , you’re so emotional … your fragil , you take everything seriously even if it’s a joke , your to emotional Haley ….. , you want to cry over te stupiest things and you worry so much to you’re paranoid about alot …. everything really … , you have a fear of being left alone and forgotten … that people would just be like ” Who’s Haley ? ” , I don’t need to lose anyone even tho i’ve lost so many peope …. it’s just all too much all the time .. nothing ever changes … , I just wake up hoping for the best , and get shot down all over again , try to talk to people and be happy but fail … get pissed off for no reason , want to cry , then feel happy again …. come home maybe selfharm , eat , and go to bed , and thats it … I don’t want to reapet that all the time … but it always happens anyway , so why even bother ? , i’m so awkward and weird and anti socail sometimes and depressed and over all fucked …. . I just truly hope that older me if i’m still strong enough to stay , that you will be brave and believe in yourself , and no matter what … never give up no matter how horrible anything may be to you , never ever give up on anything . just stay strong and stay beautiful . but you know what sometimes just breath . No matter how much your emotions come all together all the time , never stop breathing <3 , cause you wake up everyday hoping for the best , and yes you make mistakes and you fuck up , but you’re human and thats beautiful to dear <3 .But that’s just my hopes acting up …