Don’t know what to tell about how I got here. It’s been a long ride, a painful one and at this point I can’t even feel pain or much else for that matter. I’m numb to the world, numb to myself and numb to the people around me, but I suppose I would like to tell a little of my story to anyone who cares.
I’m a 28 year old man and I live alone. The word alone pretty much sums up my whole adult life. As a child I was molested by my stepfather. It’s borderline, some people probably wouldn’t call it molestation, but the result of it has been years and years of psychological problems – and that is molestation in my book. My psychological problem is that I’m terrified and even disgusted by sex. Anyone makes a pass at me I start sweating, heart starts racing, I feel panic and the walls closing in on me. If someone actually touches me I want to scream.
As you can imagine that makes having a meaningful relationship with a woman pretty hard. For a long time I tried ignoring that side of life, devoting my time to studies, work and friends instead, but it’s always there – right behind the regular daily life – looming over me, and whenever situations occur where women show any interest in me, it jumps out and wrecks my whole life for weeks after.
What’s worse is that my lack of any meaningful love life has turned me onto a path of a dark and unhealthy obsession (or even addiction) to online interaction with women who only talk to me because I pay them ridiculous amounts of money for it. It’s my number one expense every month, and it’s the only way I am able to have something that resembles a sex-life, by knowing that the woman is thousands of miles away – safely behind a computer.
So I decided I didn’t want to go on. Too painful, too hard and always alone … it’s no way to live. Last year I tried to slice my wrist open. I wasn’t very good at it and even though I had checked into a hotel and put a “do not disturb” sign on the door, I was of course interrupted by the maid anyway, because someone had lifted the DND sign off the door handle. At the time that felt quite like some kind of divine intervention. I decided to give it all another try, got into counseling and explained the situation to some of my “close” friends.
At first they were quite understanding, but as with all things difficult, it got old really fast. I’m a reasonably smart guy and I recognized that they were tired of “dealing with me”, so I stopped calling, got off facebook and twitter and the world closed quietly around me again. Nobody noticed, or cared. They all knew what I was going through, but not a single person picked up the phone or wrote an e-mail or anything like that. They couldn’t be happier not having to deal with the depressed and “weird” guy that had had the audacity to encroach on their perfect lives with his unsanitary problems.
So here I am, 10 months later and it’s time to go. I really meant it when I said in the first paragraph that I have become numb. Last year it was so hard. I was crying all the time, trying to type a note to my mother, trying to make all kinds of practical arrangements for those left behind. This time I can’t squeeze out a single tear. I’ve ordered two balloon time helium tanks, I’ve made myself an exit bag and the fittings / nozzles / flow control elements are in the mail as this is being typed. I suspect it will be about a week or two more before I actually go, as I want to make sure it is all done right. Don’t wanna wake up brain damaged.
Don’t worry though, nothing on the other side of this life could be worse than what I’m in right now. I’m not religious, I don’t believe in sin, heaven, hell or any of those fairy tales. I have no expectation of a light at the end of a tunnel, filled with loved ones. There are no loved ones, the tunnel I’m hoping for is one that takes me to oblivion, complete non-existence, like I was never even here.
I’m going with the man in the long black coat.
/Beep
5 comments
When you have problems that are taboo, there’s a need to compartmentalise life. In this respect, I see counciling as a way to facilitate that: talking to your councillor about these problems is a way of protecting your friendships, since they are obviously not capable of dealing. Your life is salvageable, if you want to. There’s obviously people who care.
If you’ve already decided, I wish you peace.
I wish you had just at least tried and gave yourself a chance with a real girl. It might have made you lose your fear. I know what you mean about people turning away from you because of depression. I never go on Facebook anymore. It hurst to do so anyway to see how people go on with their happy lives and I am stuck with horrible one.
I completely respect your desire and resolve to leave this world. I would too if I could. The helium method sounds much better than most and I just wish I felt comfortable with the idea of it cause besides barbiturates, which are almost impossible to get, I find it to be the least painful and gory one.
I also don’t believe in the horror stories about hell but if there’s anything else to complete non existence, I’m sure it will be a much better state than this. I wish you some joy and peace while you are still here and hope that on those very lonely moments before you head to the unknown, you remember that the are more of us just like you. You are not alone. Even if it’s from the distance, we relate to you and wish we could hold your hand through it all.
Please consider a different therapist or referrals to support groups. You are not the only survivor of abuse and talking to others that have had similar experiences might open your world up. Numbness is a response to fear and pain. You can put the helium tanks in the closet and give it more time, more chances. What is there to lose? I hope that you can find relief in life , you are still so young. If you can get help with this, not only might your life get so much better but maybe you can help others. You are an intelligent person with much to offer, please try and try some more. You always have the same option available as now but consider giving it more time. You will never know what might have been and what might have been – could be a happy fulfilling life. Not all therapists are good and not all are good matches and you are not alone with this problem. You are capable of making friends and you are right, it sucks when they are not there when you most need them. But, they probably can’t relate to this or help you for that reason. Please try to find the right support and people who can, there are therapist who specialize in this and possibly chose to for having survived and conquered the damage and want to help others who are where they have been.
I know what it is like to have something there in background always looming over you. My father spat in my face when I was 17 and he used to beat me. The beatings, I can live with but when he spat in my face that meant something else and I can never forget that even 23 years on. I can tell you that the intense feelings of being abused do diminish but they are always there. I also know what it is like to be numb to the world. You are correct in that things never get better. You will always feel the way you do just in varying degrees of it. Keeping a suicide kit in the house means that it will be available for you when you are at your lowest points which means you will be more likely to end your life. I say go for it and sod them all.
My first test with balloon time helium i passed out in about 2 minutes with the flow control kit from exit international and a exit bag.. my body started to tingle all over just before i passed out. I needed to know how fast it worked so this was just a test.