I am not me.
I am. I live in the moment. Forgetting my past is easy, probably thanks to my screwed up neural wiring. I know my story. I lived it. But looking back is like reading pages from a book.
I’m detached. I am not who I was. I’m reading lines from Shakespear. This horrible tragedy befell the main character, followed by many smaller tragedies, but they’re not even memories in most cases. The few things I can remember clearly remain vivid, but only a few still carry pain with them. So why am I here?
I can’t remember the past, but I can feel it. I can’t remember where I’ve been, but I carry the scars from having been there. Only the most recent memories seem real to me. I’m far away from the person I’d like to be right now. I never thought much about the future. I never thought I had one. Now that I’m here, my future self, I still don’t think I have a future. Now, at least, I know where I’d like to go. It’s getting there that seems impossible.
5 comments
I am intrigued. Did you have a traumatic or life changing event take place before you found your “future self”? What if there is no where to go but here? Is it merely a case of changing your perspective?
The reason I am intrigued? I had an NDE 12 years ago. Since that time…I have almost total recall of events etc….but no emotional attachment. The opposite of what you say is true to you. Almost like my life happened to someone else. Mystics and new agers have told me that I am a “walk-in”. Ever hear of this?
Where is it that your “future self” would like to go? Personally, I find the word “impossible” is self-fulfilling. So? What would you need to do to become what you wish to become. Change your understanding of the universe? Learn to become a more subjective observer?
I don’t know you …or anything about you…as such I mean no disrespect. Is this a coping mechanism? Are you seriously depressed? Why are you so out of touch with your past and afraid of your future. If you truly do live in the “now”…how is this possible? It seems to me that if I focus on my past…I become depressed. If I focus on my future…I become anxious. So for me I choose to work on living in the “now”…but it is hard. We are domesticated from birth to not live in the “now”. If you have any advice on how to make this easier…I would appreciate any help you could offer “US”.
Sending you positive energy
Amakua
§ I can’t remember the past, but I can feel it. I can’t remember where I’ve been, but I carry the scars from having been there… Exactly!
Amakua2309 you a NDE. What happend.?
Amakua2309 you had a NDE. What happend.?
Orange, people who are ‘enlightened’ such as Krishnamurti or Eckhart Tolle tell us that only the present moment is real. Therefore you are surely on the right track to live in the now, and be relatively unattached to notions of a continuing ‘self’.
‘ I can’t remember the past, but I can feel it. I can’t remember where I’ve been, but I carry the scars from having been there’. Like Black&Blue, I can relate to this. There are whole swathes of my past that i have forgotten…traumatic times of psychosis for instance…yet the feelings associated with them linger on.
Even tho’ I think you may be close to some kind of enlightenment, I hear your unease and understand that you don’t feel comfortable with this, your ‘future self’. You don’t reveal where it is you want to go or who you want to be, but it must surely be a start that you yourself now know this.
Eckhart Tolle was plagued by depression and went through utter Hell immediately prior to his enlightenment experience. He reckons that the intensity of the psychological pain actually flipped him over into the enlightened state, and he spent the following few years sitting on park benches and sleeping on friends’ floors, a sort of itinerant mystic. He then produced the multi-million bestseller The Power of Now.
So even spiritual teachers like him have walked in darkness before seeing a great light. I find this comforting tho’ I don’t know if it will work for you Orange. But take it from me and many others who ‘know’ you here at SP, you are an amazing guy who deserves the very best in life.
Zoe x