Once again tonight I can feel her clawing her way through my chest to grasp my throat and strangle me again. #2. The one who beats me down until I can’t take anymore. I’m trying so hard right now to fight her back. No, this isn’t multiple personalities.. I don’t think. If you read my last post, then you know what I’m talking about.
I talked to my friend tonight and she told me all about her new boyfriend. I feel like such an asshole for telling her to slow herself down and be a little more cautious. But then, at the same time, she’s telling me that he’s “the one” and how he’s told her he’s going to marry her and they’ll have babies together. How he’s going to meet her other friends tomorrow night at a work dinner and he’s already planning to meet her parents in December. They’ve been seeing each other for two weeks!! He’s divorced, two kids, with a crazy ex wife! Am I really the asshole for telling her to be cautious about this?
I think that maybe I am because I know I’m jealous. And I hate that I’m jealous. I’m jealous because I think.. when will it be my turn? When will I find someone like that? Will I ever? Am I destined to be alone forever, and just be that friend that people have until they get their shit together and move on with their life? And I know there’s a big part of me that hates that she’s found someone and will inevitably leave me behind, like so many others have done before.
I’m just tired of being lonely. There is a part of me that are happy for people when they move on and are happy with their lives. But I’m sick of hearing about it every time I turn around. Yes, I am a bit bitter.
Sigh. I think I’ll call it a night tonight. And I think posting here will become a regular thing. Maybe it’ll help having somewhere to post what really goes on in the darkest corners of my mind without worrying about being judged by my family or “friends”. A place where people know what it feels like, and won’t just tell me to “get over it” or give me generic platitudes that mean nothing.
Goodnight, void.