I’ve been checking this site out for a long, long time. I’ve led a miserable life, anytime I’ve gotten close to ending things I’ve always found a way out. Now, I’ve gotten to the point that I’m tired of trying to figure things out, I’m tired of the unexpected, and I’m tired of the self-destruction. I’ve always been able to hide any problems I’ve faced, issues I’ve dealt with, people around me seem to think I live a “perfect” life. If they only knew the truth, would they still be there?
I have it all planned out. I have letters written to those that mean the most to me. I really don’t feel theres anything at this point to change my mind. I have absolutely no fear, I honestly am kind of looking forward to it I guess. Theres a good chance it will happen tonight, but I do have a commitment on Tuesday that I would like to fulfill, so it’s looking like Tuesday night would be the best time.
I guess I just wanted to share this, after browsing through postings for such a long time I guess I feel like I should share before I go. I really hope all of you that share so regularly find that life brings you happiness, and things turn around for yourselves. God Bless!
13 comments
Want to talk about it?
Don’t do it Hunny talk to me hmeomm@yahoo.com
I would like to hear more about your story as well. How can you maintain the illusion of a perfect life when you are on the brink?
I don’t mind talking about to a point, the thing is, I could write a novel about everything I’ve gone through in my life.
For the most part, my issues are financial. With a touch of dealing with “the one that got away.”
I have a few very close friends, but a lot of “regular” friends. For whatever reason I tend to be the person people come to for help, advice, or just about anything else. I’ve always been there for anyone who needed me. I’ve always had a pocketful of money, never showed anyone any of my issues. I’ve gotten to the point that I’ve neglected bills, taken out loans, maxed out credit cards, just to keep up that illusion. The crazy thing is that nobody expects anything from me, it’s not like I have to pick up the tab, or financially support any of them, for whatever reason I’ve always felt that I have to be the one with the pocket full of money.
On top of all of that, I’ve always had a somewhat serious gambling problem. Gambling is the only addictive trait that I seem to have, besides cigarettes. I’ve been on pain meds, had no issues, I don’t drink, gambling is something that I can get away from. I’ve tried counseling, I’ve tried staying occupied, but I always end up back at the casino. I figure the casino is my escape from the feelings I have because of “the one that got away.”
I met this girl 14 years ago, I was 19, she was 16. I fell madly in love with her the minute our eyes locked. We were inseperable for several years, but I could never open up to her, I could never tell her how much I loved her, even though I know she knew then, I still knows to this day. The one time I was going to open up, we ended up arguing, and I left. I met another girl and me and her started a relationship. The “one” met someone else, someone much older, who got her drunk, slept with her and got her pregnant. The “one” and myself started talking again when she told me about him, and her family, being old school, made sure that she was going to marry him. To this day they are married. She is not happy, but is afraid to leave him. They have 2 kids now, and both of those girls mean the world to me. I’ve done everything I could to make sure “the one” and her kids have the time of their lives when we get together, but I can’t do it anymore.
There is so much more, issues with my family, other past relationships that I’ve sabotaged. It seriously could go on and on. I’m to the point that I’m days away from losing everything. I talked to an attorney about a bankruptcy, got the paperwork together, and the day I was supposed to file I gambled away the lawyers fee. I’ve sabotaged my life for the last time, and theres only one way out.
My heart is with you. I can’t stop you from leaving this world- but at least tell her how you feel before you go.
Thank you
I mean come on, you don’t wanna have “unfinished business” and wind up rattling her windows and making the lights flicker. ^_^
I’m a bit curious about your family, you didn’t mention anything about your parents or siblings? Have you already devised your plan and method?
Ha Nephilim, I kind of got a laugh out of that. She knows how I feel. I know the feeling is mutual, but because of the way her family is, divorce is one of the worst things a person can do, no matter what. Her grandma, who was so adiment about her marrying the guy she is married to put up with cheating just because divorce was not an option.
Mimito, my father passed away a couple years ago. I’ve always been close to my mother. She recently was diagnosed with cancer and is currently fighting it. My sister and I talk from time to time, and my 2nd oldest brother just started talking again because he owed me money and came up with every lie to not pay me. I finally got a hold of him and told him that its alright and hung out with him last week. My oldest brother and his family I haven’t spoken to in a couple years. They like to divert the attention of all of their issues by making things up and starting rumors about everyone else. I’m the only one in my family who is willing to speak up and not put up with things. My grandpa on my dads side passed away just over a year ago, my oldest brother and his family basically looted his house and cleaned out anything and everything they could get money for, again I’m the only one willing to speak up about it. My family is screwed up, but isn’t everyones?
I realize that there are most definately people out there with much worse problems than me, but I just can’t take it anymore. I do have both a plan and a method. I should add that I have attempted three times in the past, several years ago, every time with pills, and I can tell you that pills do not work. I’ve thought about hanging, but even that doesn’t seem to be completely foolproof. I did some research and found a spot to jump. This place has had about 35 jumpers in the last 10 years and only 2 survived, and they only survived because of the spot they jumped from, I don’t plan on making that mistake.
I’m basically stuck here in this world till my parents pass. When I try to tell my mother that Im suicidal she always says if you go I’ll be right behind you. As much as a fuck up as i have been in this life I just can’t imagine causing my parents the pain of having to spend their final days mourning their sons suicide.
It’s my time, thank you for sharing your story, I truly hope you Decide to stick it out for a little while longer. I really hope it’s not your time just yet.
Is your gambling addiction poker or sports betting?
Hey man, that s a difficult moment and obviously you are a person who cares, you even cared enough to leave a message for people on SP. I’m not here to give you advices or to talk you out of it. You have probably turned every ‘page’ of it until you came to this point. But… There is a but. It’s your mother. If she cares about you, this tragedy could deeply affect her now that she s battling cancer. On the other hand she would not like to see you in prison – that in the worst scenario. Isn’t there any other option left, until she at least gets better?
“Now, I’ve gotten to the point that I’m tired of trying to figure things out, I’m tired of the unexpected, and I’m tired of the self-destruction.”
same here .. I’m 80% certain I’ll kill myself this month, probably around my birthday