I’m one of those ‘bad luck’ kind of girls. It’s easier to point to my LiveJournal, but I don’t know that it’s allowed since it’s adult-related. You can skip the story with this synopsis: I have  no family, my friends are in other states, my luck with men is horrible, I survived (if you really want to call it that) extreme childhood abuse that turned into finding jerks to replay it.
I spent several years of my teens homeless on the streets of Los Angeles dodging hookers, pimps, and all manner of foul person. I’ve never been arrested and got my stupid drug using years over with before I was 18. I smoke and I jaywalk. That’s it. As soon as I turned 18, I got my GED because I couldn’t (naturally) go to high school.
Just when I thought I had my life together, I had an industrial accident that left me in a wheelchair for four years. I fought to get out of it on my own (lawyer was bought off by my ex boss) and last year stopped having to crawl upstairs. Days where I was in so much physical pain that I could only cry on the couch dwindled down to less than one a month, and because of gov aid, I can get limited physical therapy. I don’t even walk with a cane anymore.
Now though, I’ve gotten rid of the cheating ex, I’m in school because I need complete retraining and getting an A average (well last semester, this semester it became aware that I do not have the skills needed for my classes), and I can’t get any help from the few agencies that don’t penalize me for not having kids. Oh, I didn’t mention that Death took my daughter and I gave my son up for adoption because it was the responsible (yet heart-crushing) thing to do… With the betrayals of my birth family and the instability of group homes, coupled with not even being allowed to raise my own child and the fact that no decent man seems to desire me (and I’m fairly intelligent and reasonably attractive). All I have ever wanted is a family. People even comment that I treat my cats like they were my children–in many respects, they are.
It has become evident that life will not cut me a break and that any time I try to flip the script and help myself become better and do better, that life will slap me down. This isn’t a martyr complex, it’s been proven true by the events in my life. Repeatedly. And now I am at the cusp of my 35th birthday ….. and I’m tired. I’m tired, I’m alone. I’m in a state where I have one friend–a state my ex brought me to because he wouldn’t keep a job and had extended family here.
I think there comes a time when any reasonable person throws up their hands and says “hey guys, I did my best. I really did. My best wasn’t good enough.” Well, I’ve been there for some time. And yes, I do have depression–how could I not?
People keep thinking there’s this grand plan to life. A great reason behind it all. I’ve seen the worst of humanity. I’ve seen the best. I’ve seen angels and demons masked as ordinary people and ….. I don’t believe it. I think that we’ve killed off natural selection among humanity with medicine. I think that we’ve also killed off any higher purpose as a race by wanton overbreeding.
I have tried to live a good life. After figuring out what I believe it means to be a good person. I volunteer and donate; I fight for social and political causes. I have even taken people off the streets (which has usually ended up badly). Â And yet I can honestly tell all of you that I have made no difference. I can also say with complete certainty that my death will make no difference. My death will change nothing about this world. I will not resolve anything, other than ending this severe pain I carry–both physically and emotionally (make no mistake, I am always in a great deal of physical pain).
So if life is pointless and humanity is pointless and it’s all pointless, why I wonder, do people fight so hard? I have done it for 30 years myself…. Where does this will to survive come from and why are we cursed with it?
I do not believe in Hell. I’ve already been there. (Ask a child getting raped, beaten and starved what Hell is and then ask how lovely God as a concept is.) What I want is peace. This seems to be the only way to get it.
…..I think what I want to most impart to you, dear reader, is that I get it. Whether life hurts you in the form or bullies or because of your orientation, or because you just have bad luck, I get it. And I get being an outcast. I used to be under the dilusion that it was what you did with your life–the choices you made that mattered. But now… Now I’m not so certain. But just in case there is someone who reads this, I want you to know that I may not know who you are, but I recognize that you’re a human being. And I love you for that. I may never know you and I love you. And I respect whatever decision you make because it is your life and it is your pain.
If I choose to take my own life, I can only hope my friends will love me and have the same understanding.
(This isn’t to get your sympathy or to elicit someone’s attention to talk me out of my decision. It isn’t set in stone. There is a lot to consider, like the fate of my kittens and how to get a note to my son to explain my actions. This is a pondering by someone who has lived enough life to ask these valid questions.)
8 comments
It seems like you have been very strong and overcome a lot of difficult times in life… But I do know what you mean by being alone. I also feel like there’s no point to life without someone to share it with.
Thank you–yeah, this is the tip of the iceberg. . .
Humans are by nature social creatures. We herd and group. It is how we socialize.
When a wise person can’t do that, they re-think things. Examine relationships, see what worked and what didn’t, sit down and figure out who they are before turning to think about what they seek in a partner.
All of my relationships have had profound pain as their basis. Honestly Swan, I have done what I could to facilitate something healthy and normal. . . . It just hasn’t worked.
I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors and hope you find that elusive thing we call ‘love’. It takes work. But it’s worth it.
In my case, I feel that my problem is that I’ve always been looking for a savior. Someone magically make me “whole”, when it’s “whole” people who succeed at healthy and long lasting relationships. I expect men to give me the love that I don’t even feel for myself. I am complicated, insecure, demanding and unstable. It’s hard to live day by day with someone like me and I know this, yet I don’t know how to get rid of these poisonous preset ideas in my mind . I am convinced that probably 70% of my problems are only in my head but they are so real in it that it’s impossible to reach a objective view of myself and the world.
Anyway, I wish you luck too. It’s Saturday night so I am going to go see if I find someone I like even if it’s just for a little while. I just hope I can hide this depression of mine cause that’s a complete turn off no matter how beautiful you make yourself look. “Till soon!
For such a long time I’ve thought that I was alone in my feelings, that I was abnormal for thinking about life the way I do. The reality is your post could have been written by me! Only in my case there is a resounding lack of reason – I had a stable, even happy childhood, my family was fairly normal except for an anorexic sister! So the worst I could say is I was slightly ignored in my teens. I really don’t know where my hatred for myself has come from, I don’t know when or why it started, I presume my own battle with bulimia has something to do with it, or maybe was a result of it, but I do know why it grows with every passing day. The simple truth is I am a waste of life. I have been given this amazing gift, a body that works, a half-intelligent mind, and yet happiness eludes me. I have 3 older sisters, who in turn have3 husbands and 10 children between them, and yet I’ve never felt more alone. And what’s worse is its circular, I’m alone because I’m miserable, but I’m miserable because I’m alone. Like you I have become tired. Oh so very tired of trying to make things better, only to have it backfire and make my situation worse. Im 31 and have a handful of true friends, none of whom live less than 2 hours away and all of whom have husbands and kids, every man i meet seems to use me, or just not be interested, my ex’s haven’t treated me badly as such, they just haven’t been particularly nice to me. I truly am hanging on by a thread, and happened upon your post as I was searching for humane ways to end my own life. On the one hand I have the knowing guilt that my family would never forgive me, and what it would do to them – and then I remember that they all have a family unit to love, and we aren’t exactly close, so I’m not really sure I should let that hold me back. In a nutshell, I’m scared. Scared of making things worse. If the evidence of my life so far is anything to go by, it’s a distinct probability. I don’t really know why I’m writing. I cried when I read your post and just wanted to empathise I guess. And in a way I suppose this is cathartic. Either way, I wanted to say I respect your decision, whatever it may be, and wish you the best of luck for your future, however brief. I hope wholeheartedly that you find peace in some way! I will be hoping for the same!!
Lots of love x
Thank you Twister. I have to say, after seeing so much death and misery in the squats (abandoned buildings populated by homeless -kids in this instance) of L.A., I don’t look at death the way most do. We’re taught, as I mentioned, to hang on by any little thread.
We’re taught that life, no matter how shitty or painful or messed up, is worth saving, worth living. But what if what we’re being taught is wrong? A holdover between not only our primal instincts and the shift in the Christian beliefs that a sucide ‘victim’ goes to Hell. Judas most certainly didn’t go to Hell. God forgave him. And what if, just what if we’re being lied to? What if our existence is no more than some random cosmic event? I’m not speculating on God, but what if God has more than enough other people on this planet to deal with to worry about us?
What if this is all some big ….. pointless …. thing?
I’m not hurting now the way I did when I wrote this. The questions still haunt me and the pain is still very much there–it just has the bandage it normally does so I can function without screaming. All religions aside, our society has based itself on people’s qualities. Remember Mr. Rogers telling us that we were special? With the world of respect to Fred Rogers (and anyone who loves kids so purely and freely), I am more of the opinion of the Incredibles and George Carlin. If everyone is super, no one is.
And yeah, hey, you know? That idea that everyone is great is really nice and pretty and fluffy—but then you have to look at the simple logic of that. Does that include Charles Manson? How about Adolf Hitler? What about the guy down the street who beats his wife? Okay, so those are really big examples, sure. But let’s take it a bit less grand. What about those people who seem to be cosmic kicking posts? Are we grand? And if so, how?
I have helped a lot of people. I’m too aware of suffering not to have developed empathy. (Though in retrospect, I suppose I could have gone the other way pretty easily.) And yet, when you really look at it, what have I done? Alleivate momentary suffering or bad situations in the lives of people who get into more bad situations by childish Jerry Springerish acts….
So did I really do anything? In my opinion, no. I didn’t. I fight a lot of social causes, and some of them work out and things get better. Okay…. so? There are other voices that will take up the fight if I choose to lay down my emotional armor and weapons. That being said, will the loss of one voice really make any difference?
Again, this isn’t to encourage or discourage people’s thoughts. But I’m sorry, I’m not going to blow smoke up yours or anyone’s ass and tell you that it’s going to be better tomorrow just because …. it’s ….. tomorrow. I mean really? Where is the logic in that? No it won’t, not unless some miracle happens.
And I’m not going to tell you to get off your ass and deal with it. Chances are, you’ve done so. You said you did. I see no reason you’d lie. I know I have. I keep fighting, and like I initially said, I’m really starting to sincerely believe it’s utterly pointless. I fight and scratch and claw to gain two steps and am knocked back ten.
If that’s the mental health’s idea of sanity, then please pardon my language, but they are freaking el bonzo loco my friend. Same with society.
We’re supposed to what? Trudge on and shrug off deep emotional hurt and set back time and time again because we drew breath in the first place? Tell me that’s sane. That sounds like complete insanity to me.
And as far as romantic relationships go…. I’ve tried to do better and find better and choose better. Considering that I was taught as a young child how to …. satisfy grown males…. And that they could beat a woman or rape a woman or screw around or hurt her verbally and emotionally and financially because they were men and that’s just what men do…. I think I’m doing a hell of a lot better when you stop and consider too that I and my ex boyfriends are really the only role models of note that I’ve had. I won’t tolerate a man hitting me anymore, but my twisted mind turned to an alternate fetish lifestyle to deal with having a very skewed look at the dynamic of relationships and physical pain as a whole.
And while I do try to do it in the Safe, Sane, and Consensual manner, really? And so I have to ask myself again whether this is simply me swtiching the abuse around or whether it’s the only way I have to deal with things, or whether I’m so messed up and damaged from my childhood that this is the only dynamic that feels right….
Normal people don’t do this. I’m well (and painfully) aware of that.
And so I came here looking for answers and I found a lot of the emo thing going on, and I found a lot of the ‘you can do it’ b.s. going on too…. And I wanted to add my two cents because I think if nothing else, I’ve given this enough consideration over the years to a) not need attention because of it; b) present it to the community in a way to say ‘hey, I feel you–you who are really suffering and hurting. And I hurt more for you. And I don’t judge you because you’ve got your crosses just as I have mine. And your crosses are as real as mine are, as painful as mine are, and as ….. fucked up (excuse the language please) as mine are”.
And I wanted to tell people who have endured pain in whatever way it happens and have really thought about it seriously and not only in fits of emotional tidalwaves that …. it’s okay. No one has the right to force another person to endure life. Especially if life has no honest prospects of getting better.
That’s cruel and unusual punishment. That’s inhuman.
I don’t know what I would do if I were in your shoes, and sometimes I think it’s easier to be an orphan by necessity. If I were you, the very same thoughts would be on my mind. How would this affect my family? How would they understand–especially since their lives are more nuclear. And how would they forgive me and be happy for me finding peace? Everyone I know is kept at arm’s length by my choices and by distance on top of their very busy nuclear lives… As much as it hurts most of the time, sometimes -like now- I’m glad for it.
I do not envy you my friend. I wish I could hug you though Twister. You’re not alone. Obviously. There are others who get it. Maybe not the specifics and the minute details, but pain is pain when you get down to it. And pain…. pain I get.
I wish you the best of luck too hon. Whatever your choice. And whatever you do, make sure that it is what you know to be right. In your heart of hearts.
Naturally I just closed this window after having some insight typed up for you… Or at least my perspective. Whether it’s insightful or not, I hope it helps. And I don’t think I ever got a notice for your comment. Not that I’m aware of anyway.
1) You can’t look to others to make you whole. That means that someone else would have to get into your head and your heart. Then you’d have to give up total control (and thus responsibility) to them so they could change how you react and think and feel. That’s not fair to someone else hon. Not trying to be callous, just telling you my perspective. You’re a human being and by definition, a complex creature. That’s too big for anyone to take on.
If you’ve never heard Staind’s Mudshovel, take a listen and read the lyrics. It’s heavy metal, and sorry if that’s not your cup of tea. But it’s the lyrics I want you to hear–with your soul, not just your ears.
2) No one has their life together. Not the rich folk on TV, not the poor bastards in the gutter. I know, I’ve seen both first hand. (One of the fringe benefits of being a young girl on the streets is that you get into …interesting situations….) I also come from a world where part of my family is very snobby and well to do. And you know what? They’re just as guilty of the sick psychophant lifestyle as the trailer trash side I’m more closely related to–the beating of spouses and kids, the alcholism (though not so much the dope), the pedo and generations of harming their own kids…..
The difference is that they have the money and the experience of sweeping things under the rug so they appear beautiful and balanced and put together.
Trust me hon, it’s even more of a lie than the in-your-face style of b.s. my trailer trash family insists on….
Oh and Swan, get cats. They’re cheaper, cleaner, cost less, and will love you unconditionally whereas most men will lie to get between your legs and dump you the morning after like yesterday’s garbage.
Why. Why do I keep reading my thoughts on 90% of these posts but I can’t meet any of you in life? Maybe you all are killing yourselves off before I can find you or maybe you are all just as good at me at pretending to fit in. I appreciate your post and your view on things, I’m glad you are being honest. I’m not surrounded with brutal honesty at all in my life and it gets old quick.
Because