I don’t understand cutting. Honestly I never have. I love knives, and own a lot of them. I own a gun and never get to shoot it. I have no release for the pain I feel. It just bottles up. I don’t have a breaking point. I’ve lived long enough to never really reach it. I rarely cry. Its got to be really bad to cry. There just is no relief. Sometimes I will drive and my heart will hurt so bad I dream of crashing into a parked car to take away the pain. But I keep on driving, perfectly.
I don’t know how many times I have found myself wishing that I could just go to sleep and not wake up. I am worn out. Exhausted. It never ends. I work long hours. I have a full time class schedule. I basically get one weekend off every other weekend. On that weekend I have a 9 month old to care for. I never get to see her. How did this happen to me? It was never supposed to happen this way.
I don’t get it really. I need counseling. Or that’s what she says. I need to be saved. Or that’s what she says. I don’t want to go to counseling. I don’t know how to be saved. I just want my family back. I hurt inside like I’ve never hurt before and I’ve been through some pretty bad stuff. Does it ever end? Does the man upstairs like to see us in agony? I feel like an ant that a young boy can’t stop messing with. Watches it bounce around and get back up again just to knock back off its track.
My job is good, its a real career. I can do this. But my personal life? I have none. I don’t have friends, never really have. How could I have a kid with someone who was just going to leave me? I, so many times, just want to give up. Stop seeing my daughter. I don’t even know her. She left me when she was three weeks old. Out of those months following I have had her a rediculously short time of her life. She walks now, or at least a few steps. Its pretty bad when new teeth mean nothing to me. What kind of father am I?
I just wish I could die. I really do. I don’t want to do it to myself. I just want peace. I never get a break. I’m worn out too thin. I go and go and it seems for nothing. Should I see a counselor? When do I have time? Should I go to church? I’m so tired. I’m not trained this way. I’m not good at those emotional types of things. Can He please just take me away from this never ending nightmare? Do I deserve this? I don’t know what I did wrong. I don’t know how to fix this. I’m lost in a maze with no end. I’m dizzy. These circles are driving me crazy. The tighter I grab on to my mind the quicker it slips from my grasp.
1 comment
You didn’t do anything wrong; this isn’t a punishment. You’re just caught up in the madness of life same as everyone else. You said that you can’t find emotional release, and then went on to say that you don’t want to see a counseler. Well friend, talking about your feelings in one of the best emotional releases there are, but if you don’t have time there are other ways. Like what you’re doing right now on SP.
You definitely need to get these feelings out some how, although cutting is definitely not a recommended choice. It sounds, however like you have no time at all to do much of anything outside work. Have you ever considered asking for a demotion or transfer to a less intensive position. Or even changing jobs completely. Money means nothing if working for it absorbs all of your free time.
I’m sure you’re not a bad father. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I bet if you could get rid of some of this stress and make a little more free time for yourself, you’d be able to appreciate every little thing your daughter does.
You sound like a strong person, but strong people have a tendency to ensconce their emotions inside themselves. Don’t be afraid to express yourself candidly, it really helps to relieve the tension.