It feels… heavy, I suppose. Like everything weighs a lot more than it really does, like just getting up takes a lot of effort, like my bones are so heavy that I only move when I absolutely have to. Sometimes I have to talk myself into doing tiny, simple things that shouldn’t take a second thoughts, but they are so exhausting at times and dragging myself through the motions takes so much effort it’s barely worthwhile any more. And I’m not heavy at all, I just feel it. I don’t feel as light and as free as I actually am, even though I know I am if that makes any sense. It’s all just heavy and it will get heavier, but I know deep down that I can carry this weight no matter how difficult it seems. And maybe once I’ve mastered the heaviness, it won’t seem so heavy. Maybe smiling through the pain will do it, taking deep breaths and getting up as quickly as possible, simple things like listening to my body and eating and sleeping regularly might become easier and less of a chore.
I know all of this, but that doesn’t stop it being so difficult at times. I feel like I’m breaking under the weight of my sadness, even though I am not. I am not what I feel and I must remember that. I am not what I feel and I feel sad and suicidal, killing myself will not get rid of that. I must bear that in mind. I am not what I feel and I am not what I think. I am not at all sure what I am, but I am tired of being the sadness even though being the sadness is easier than being sad. I need to grow stronger than the sadness to the point where being the sadness is laughable. I know what I need to do and I am going to try my hardest to do it. Doesn’t make it much easier, though, or less heavy.
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We become our thoughts.
We cannot control our feelings but our thoughts generate feelings.
We can control our thoughts.
But our thoughts have a mind of there own.
So what are we?
What are you?
Imagine life without thought, no past regrets, no future fears.
We call this “being”.
This is what we are.
This is peace.
Firstly, I liked your username. Kind of sums everything up in one go.A few weeks ago my future was bright and rosy. But now, I cannot see any hope, or look beyond the next few hours. That weight of sadness of yours also happened to fall onto me. I’ve been in the blackness before, and I’ve come through, but this time, I don’t think I’ve got much left to give.I’m too much of a coward to kill myself, so far, anyway. I’ve tried but there is a bit of me that still has a little lingering hope. As van Gogh’s last words said, ‘the sadness will last forever.’ I’m taking it all a few hours at a time.As for you, perhaps a doctor could give you something to ‘ease’ that weight. The sadness may not go away completely, but as you get stronger, you’ll probably hardly feel the weight at all. Good luck with it all.
the Guardian gives great advice. I have some chemical imbalances which I now take Zoloft for. It works great, but I still have good and bad days and I still have the same amount of problems, I just react to them more positively. I’ve also found that when these thoughts of my past and future start bogging me down, I simply close my eyes and focus on just being me in that particular time and moment. I am alive and I am healthy and just like the weight you feel, this mind-set has an accumulative effect. I’ve been practicing this behavior for a year, so now when I close my eyes and realize that I’m still alive and still healthy, I recall ALL the other times I’ve done this. It’s a good reminder that if we just stop and think about it, life is neutral and peaceful. Give it a try. Buy a calendar and remember to participate in this behavior just one minute out of anytime in the day that you feel “heavy”. By the end of the month, you’ll have 30 reminders of life’s peace, to encourage you to move forward and every time you have a “heavy” moment and close your eyes, you can feel reassured that the future is going to be filled with the accumulation of peaceful moments.