So I guess I’m just kinda gonna write down what’s been happening to me lately. This’ll be a place for me to vent and write it all down. Here’s where it starts.
16th September was the day I met this girl, it was the Rugby World Cup and I was out in the city with some mates to watch the game on some big screens and get drunk. She had just moved up from another city, which had been devastated by an earthquake and her house unlivable. I met her, and apparently, we actually both wanted to get with each other but we didn’t. She eventually hung out with us a lot more, she was cool, a real goodbitch, and she ended up getting with one of my best mates at another one of the nights at the world cup, and even on the final night, we got with each other, no biggie. Over summer we got a lot closer and stuff, we had a group of 7 friends who we hung out with. I guess I’ll put down names here, her name was Ella, and her best friend at the time was Sarah, and we were all pretty happy, all sweet.
Over a few months we ended up getting a lot closer, me and Ella, and eventually we started having a “thing” in sometime April. She went away every holidays, this time all 2 weeks to Australia. After she got back, and after about a month, I asked her our. I was so happy because I’d finally found a really really cool likeable, attractive, funny amazing girl, who I could have my first relationship with. Her first too. We were going steady, everything going great, so happy with everything. Next holidays she went away for 3 weeks to USA, which really really sucked and I was really gutted I couldn’t spend that time with her, but oh well. But then her parents found out that I stayed the night at her house one night, when they were away, and she got pretty badly grounded, and her Dad especially was really mad, and had even insulted her called her a slut etc. Which was not allgood. She got back and the grounding wasn’t as bad as we thought it’d be, but on top of her hockey, and being grounded we found it hard to see each other as much as we wanted to, maybe once or twice a week, which was still pretty fine. We went to her school ball together, and everyone kept telling us how we were the cutest couple, and best couple of the year etc, and not gonna lie, I thought it too. We were just so dfbhbdxfjhd like everything was GREAT. I had another school ball, to another school with an old friend of mine, and was set up for it by Emma one of our good friends in our group of 7 friends. 2 days before that school ball everything happened.
She had always been so so happy and so bubbly and just full of happiness, but one day she was just giving really average replies etc, and I asked her what was wrong, she kept saying nothing she was okay. I didn’t believe it and persisted, and we had this big talk about why I actually wanted to go to a ball with another girl, and that I didn’t bring it up with her and stuff. I wanted to go because my 3 best guy friends were going, and well as Emma. I felt really bad for going, and I didn’t really want to upset Ella, but I still had to go, so I did, but I didn’t go to the after party because I didn’t think I should. But over the next 2 days, she was still giving really bad replies, and obviously not happy. I asked her and she said not to worry and she’ll talk about everything to me in person. Emma and Ella went for a walk on the Sunday 2 days after the ball, and Emma told me not to worry and that she’ll talk to me in person, so I trusted that.
We usually saw each other every tuesday after school, and before her hockey training, as she came over to mine. But this tuesday she said we’d just go to this main shopping centre everyone goes to. I didn’t really know why but I wasn’t bothered. I told Emma I was still worried because Ella seemed even worse today, but Emma just said it’ll all be fine don’t worry. We met, and she was really really quiet and just not good, I asked her what was up and she said that she thought we should just be friends. I was shocked, I asked her why and she told me that it wasn’t the right timing with all her hockey and we couldn’t see each other as much, that kinda thing. I texted Emma asking why she said it’ll all be fine when she knew she’d just break up with me, but Emma was as shocked as I was. I talked to Emma later on, and Emma told me that Ella was depressed, and that on their walk on Sunday, she said she’d talk to me about the depression and stuff. But she actually just broke up with me.
A couple days later, it was about 12am, and Ella chatted me on Facebook, saying, “Emma told me what you guessed…you’re right.” (The story was that I had guessed it out of Emma.) Me and Ella talked till 4am that night, about her depression, and just said everything we thought. I cried for the first time in 8 years since my grandma died. We had a really good talk, and I told her about my family, how my Mum is severely depressed, and everyone else in my Mum’s side of the family is depressed, I told her I had been surrounded with depression my life and I can talk, and I can deal with it and I can help. It was really good her getting everything out, she said she couldn’t deal with having a relationship right now and that she was sorry. I convinced her to go to her school councellor, and she did the next day. I thought to myself, naively, oh this will brush over in a couple months, and it will be okay. It wasn’t gonna be okay.
She texted me a huge message the next day, saying why she was depressed. Her parents had been treating her badly, and she hated her home life, and her dad putting her down all the time. I thought to myself that’s okay, that is a fixable problem no worries. Although it was still affecting me. We saw each other that weekend, just to see each other and talk in person, she cried in my arms when we first saw each other and hugged. We spent the entire day together, and I thought hey, things are gonna get better, we can be back together soon I guess. She kept getting worse though. The next weekend we went to a drinks on a Friday night, and we ended up cuddling on a couch together by the end of the night. We saw each other again at another drinks at Isaac’s house, a guy in our group of friends. It was so much different, we weren’t together, and I ended up going upstairs and trying to sleep, I was having a bad night, a really bad night. We ended up seeing each other again on the Sunday and Isaac’s to clean up, and it was even harder, it was just too weird not being with her and being close with her and it was killing me. She looked really good that day, and it hurt.
The Monday after I had a breakdown, I was so emotionally fucked from seeing her 3 days in a row I couldn’t deal with it. We talked, and it made me feel a bit better, but I was still so down. Through the week it got better, and we organised to go to the Zoo, because she had always wanted to but never got the opportunity to. On the Sunday, we were due to go, but long story short, she had a breakdown as well and couldn’t get out of her house, she couldn’t go out. Not even to see me, the only person she said made her happy. I broke down because of it, I didn’t really realise how bad it was. She was not right. I didn’t see her the next week, and the next week she went away to a hockey tournament, on the day of my birthday, which she ended up winning. National champ. I was so gutted I couldn’t spend my birthday with her and ended up having a pretty average day. Isaac lost his virginity to his girlfriend that day, stoked for him, but still so gutted I couldn’t be with Ella.
Since then, it’s been kinda normal, but I have not been happy, seeing her so sad, and so hurt, kills me, I still really really like her, and maybe even love I don’t know. It just hurts not being able to be with her, and it kept hurting. It was breaking me down, and I missed her so so much. Eventually I snapped and I sent her a huge message, saying how much I missed being with her, and how much it hurt not being with her, and how much I want to wait for her to be well, and all that. I cried again. We ended up talking again for ages, and she basically told me not to wait, and to try to move on, because it was obviously hurting me, and she didn’t want that. I so so so did not want to move on. Like thinking of never kissing her, hugging her, cuddling her even made me sick to think about. But I knew I had to. Through the last 3 weeks there had been so so many times where I had my hopes up, and then had them let down. She’d have a good day. and I’d feel good, it was like the old days, and she was getting better and we were closer to being back together, then she’d have a bad day, and I lost all my hope again, and I’d be devastated. Over 2 weeks it happened like 5 times and it broke me down. I knew I had to move on, and I had to quit. And I tried. I needed to accept we’d never get back together, and stop clinging to hope, because it hurt too much.
I tried to accept it, and I broke down once again, because it had finally hit me, that we were really really over, and it was all gone, and I had to wait. I had no idea how I’d get over her, we still talked every day, we were in the same group of friends, we had no way of getting over each other. We were best friends, how were we supposed to just let go? I had no idea. She kept getting worse, she’d break down to me every now and then, and we’d talk and she told me how much it helped talking, and that I made her feel better every time we talked. I felt good about that. But she was still going to councellor’s, psychiatrists, and had been assigned medication. The reasons for her depression changed over the 3-4 weeks.
She lived in this city, with great friends, everything going fine. Then there was this earthquake, and she had to move. She moved up to our city, and to this new school, new people etc. She came up and no one knew her, she felt really really lonely, until she met Sarah, and she started hanging out with our group of friends. She didn’t feel as lonely, she didn’t feel as bad anymore. She had been cutting, but not anymore. She got better, but she was still sad, through summer, all she was waiting for was to go away to a beach, where all her friends went over new years, she went away in summer for over a month. She felt good after that. But then this year, she progressively got worse, then we started going out, and she felt good again, then things settled down and her depression got worse again, she couldn’t take not really knowing anyone anymore. She wasn’t that close with anyone at her new school, and our friend Sarah had started being a *****, and ditching our group, and her BEST FRIEND Ella, for this group of guys from another school. It made Ella feel even worse, and her depression got worse. She thought no one cared, she was lonely, upset, her parents treated her badly, and she just hated life.
But yeah, I’ll kinda cut to what’s happening now. Ella’s got worse, she still feels as bad as ever, she still hurts everyday, we still talk everyday, and so do I, we’re still so close, and I still really like her, and she still really likes me, and it hurts us so much not being together. Basically, me and Emma are the 2 who are really close to her, and she talks to, me more I think though. She’s still stressed and I see her tumblr posts, “feeling super super super super super suicidal.” and it worries me so much.
BUT, last sunday, something weird happened we were talking late, like 12am and we kept talking, long story short, we both found out we were sleeping naked, and we ended up getting pretty turned on and shit, and we told each other how much we missed “puns” (sexual stuff, getting with each other etc). We sorted that we both wanted to lose our virginity to each other, and that we’d have a 1 off time of sex, just so we could lose it to each other, because we wanted to lose it this year. The next monday I was stoked, I was so happy with that, I missed doing that with her so much. There were no complications, and a one off, we said, although I knew it would make it hard, I didn’t care and I’d do it. I was still really sad that we weren’t together, but it still felt good. Over the week I got worse though, and I kinda settled back into my normal “unhappy with everything” persona.
Okay, so, last night, it was Emma’s surprise birthday party, and I was kinda hoping that Ella would want to get with me, but she’d been having a really bad week, and I lost that hope. Once again, hopes up, hopes down. Ella looked really good, and it looked like she was having a good time, but by about 10pm she was outside, and waiting to be picked up. She looked like she was going to cry. I tried to hug her but she wouldn’t let me. She said she didn’t want to be there, and all that. She was meant to be having a sleepover at Emma’s but she left. She was really bad. I went inside and told Emma that Ella had left, and I got a text from Ella saying to tell Emma she wasn’t staying the night. Emma said she’d pick her up later on in a taxi and they’d sleepover, but Ella said she was fine etc. But 10 minutes later, Ella texted me saying that she wasn’t okay. Eventually she told me that she had attempted suicide. She was getting pills but her mum found her before she took them. Emma saw the text and she broke down, and so did my best mate Ben. We went outside, and we talked and hugged, and we realised how serious this all was.
SO YEAH, I doubt anyone is even reading this, but that’s kinda the summary of what’s happening right now. Through all this, I got a new iPhone, I’ve been getting a lot fitter, and all that, but nothing matters apart from Ella. This whole situation hurts so much. I can’t fucking take it. But there’s nothing I can do but support Ella, even though that means still liking her, and all that, she needs me to be there and support her. I haven’t been satisfied with life for so long. I can’t remember what it’s like being “content” and happy and having nothing to worry about. I kinda just like, don’t want to exist? I’m sure some people know what I mean, you just want to stop feeling things, you want to escape, not forever, but just till everything is good again.
All this, combined with my situation at home as well kinda makes it hard to be happy. Live in a small, cluttered, ugly flat, with my single mum, never knew my dad. Mum’s severely depressed, can’t sleep, is on several pills, i think like 8 or 9? She’s unemployed, and we’re poor as fuck. Can’t afford day to day living. Can’t afford to go to school much longer, and all my friends are really wealthy, because the school I go to is in a really wealthy area. I feel really out of place and it’s hard to do what my friends do when I can’t afford to do anything. I’m self conscious and scared of never being good enough.
Sooooo yeah, I have my exams on too oh yeah. Cambridge A levels, which I can’t even deal with right now haha. Uhhh I just hate this situation.
3 comments
sounds like you 2 are co dependent. misery loves company. continue like this and the depression will just get worse, trust me.
Phew heywhat, well I made it through your story. If you’re doing A levels, you’re probably UK right?
You sound like a very caring guy heywhat, really someone who’s ‘there’ for others like your friend Ella. Only at the end of your story do you mention your difficult home life, with a depressed single mum, poverty, unemployment and an ‘ugly’ flat.
All of this might predispose you to be a bit ‘codependent’ with your friends and gfs. A ‘rescuer’ who instead of dealing with their own issues, focuses primarily on other people’s.
Disclaimer: I may be totally wrong about this, am only an amateur psychologist at best (a little knowledge can be a dangerous thing) and naturally, know nothing about you other than what you have written here. I hope you will not take offence, I mean well lol.
But it might even explain why you’ve gravitated, all unknowingly, to a girl with a lot of issues herself. You are (maybe) used to having to support and care for a depressed mother (not to mention all the depression in your family) and so it’s easy to fall into a similar role in your relationships.
I feel for you heywhat. Nor is it easy to be ‘the odd one out’ at school with kids from wealthy, privileged backgrounds. It’s really not at all surprising that you are feeling down tbh. Depression can be contagious.
Maybe you need to book an appointment for yourself with the school counsellor? Try to focus on your own needs and less on those of others, especially Ella. Save yourself first heywhat. No one else will. You’ve had to deal with too much too young already, and this probably has made you mature beyond your years in some ways, but emotionally vulnerable also.
All the very best to you heywhat. Zoe x
hey man when i was reading your story the only thing i think was that i could relate to ur friend . The only thing i would say is that dont leave her alone ur lost can push her over the edge .But u see am not excatly like her i dont have help i just space out and vent my emotions so alternatly i smoke and cut{ if its really bad} . I would say you need to try and protect yourself from her roller coaster of emotions but u still need be there for her ,dont take school for granted its ur future and by the way am doing A’s its not easy so dont take it for granted so please figure out what ur doing and try ur best protect to do whats best for urself cause if you end like her who will help u?