where to start?
i’ve wanted to die for as long as i can remember. since at least the age of 10. there hasn’t been a day that’s gone by when i’ve been free of that desire. not one day when, if someone offered to help me end it, i would have refused them.
i’m 40 now. massive depression, anxiety, that kind of stuff. haven’t been able to work in over 10 years, had to move back home. haven’t been able to leave the house on my own in a few years either, and even with support it’s getting harder to go outside.
one sample story…
i’ve had one big relationship. we fell in love, got married. i didn’t really notice when she separated me from my friends. she said they weren’t good enough for me. she’d been cheated on before, so i could understand when she went through my mail. i thought she would be the only one i’d ever have, so i didn’t say much when she started going through my computer and email. i even accepted the fights and yelling if she saw me even say hi to another woman. i guess i got used to being accused of cheating on her if i was gone 10 minutes getting milk.
slowly the yelling turned to throwing things at me. then throwing things at me turned to hitting me. i’d tried to kill myself before meeting her, but i hadn’t felt anywhere near that low at the time. so i od’d. took 150 pills, twice what should have killed me. didn’t know what else to do, so went to work. passed out at work, started seizing. paramedics called, heart stopped on the way to the er. was brought back though, sadly.
relationship degraded after that. constantly guilted for ‘what i put her through’. until one day as she was sitting on me, hitting me and calling me names, i pushed her off of me and ran. just my luck tho, she called the police. she had told them i assaulted her. failed to mention what was happening at the time to cause it. i was arrested. wasn’t asked if it was mutual. wasn’t asked what was happening. cops figured since id laid hands on her, i was guilty. id never had contact iwth the police before. had no clue what to do. she insisted she couldn’t help me or else theyd charge her with filing a false report. was held four days without meds before initial hearing. i felt guilty for laying hands on her no matter what happened. pled no contest to get out, scared id be held longer.
actually went back to her… left a year or so later tho. that was a decade back. haven’t had a serious relationship since, and no real life relationships in the last 5 years. tried all the meds, tried ect, tried cbt, tried it all. still want to die just to end it.
cant work, cant leave the house, no hope, no future. isn’t 30 years of suffering enough?
2 comments
Sorry for what you went through. I know abuse during a relationship can really mess with you. You say you were that depressed since you were 10 though, so I think the relationship was destined to fail. Even if you met someone better who wasn’t so abusive. It’s hard to love another human when deep down you are really depressed. Love is a life-affirming thing. It takes positivity. Too many of us depressed people try to chase after love as a way to numb our pain about life. But even the best relationship in the world is not enough to make life worth living if you still really hate it.
Just as you brought your depression into the relationship, she brought her emotional baggage about the cheating she went through. So as much crap as she put you through, you have to kind of forgive her as well. None of us can control the things in life that make us the people who we are. Things you’ve been through have made you depressed. Things she went through made her really paranoid and unable to trust her romantic partners. She was just being another flawed human being haunted by her past.
My last serious relationship ended almost a full year ago now. I haven’t dated since then either. It sucks because it’s lonely but in some way I am glad that I finally got turned off from dating for a while because it causes more problems than it is worth. And like you, I have not worked for a while either. My anxiety won’t let me deal with bosses and other people yelling at me for 8 hours a day. It is putting a lot of stress on my family as we try to keep up with my bills and expenses. I feel like crap.
It’s good that you at least tried the meds and cbt. A lot of depressed people refuse to even try. I stopped being stubborn enough to at least try therapy (didn’t help), but I refuse to get into the mess of medications and all that other garbage. I don’t think there is a simple fix for me either.
I’ll talk about the rest in a moment… for now, just one question. Ignoring that I had depression issues, if I were female and was describing a male partner systematically taking over my life and verbally, emotionally, and physically abusing me… would you still say “you have to kind of forgive him as well”? “It’s sorry that he beat you, but you have to kind of forgive him for it, as you were depressed and he had issues too.” I”m genuinely curious here.
I do appreciate that you took the time to respond, and thank you for it. It’s good to know that at least someone read it. I know that I bring baggage. I still have some hope that I might find the right person who understands and accepts me, and can help me get past this. Not much… but it’s about all I have.